So anyone else been in this situ ?

Quackers

squidge60 wrote: »

Thankyou for your kind words you have just set me of again

That's ok...better out than in

Take each day as it comes...omg, I wouldn't know how to begin to explain to anyone how much I cried...well, sobbed like a madwoman almost rocking in the corner of the room

loopylorial

squidge60 wrote: »

Thankyou for your kind words you have just set me of again

I really feel for you - it's very hard. I've not been in a relationship for 20 years but my relationship ended at Xmas after 8 years and now almost 5 months later we're living in the same house still. I am hopeful that shortly I will be moving to a new home and only then do I feel I will be able to come to terms with this and move on.

I really beleive you have to take each day as it comes and feel the pain but some days will certainly be better than others and over time life will improve.

I have no family close by, but my parents have been supportive over a distance. Please let it out here as much as you wish as for the most part people here are very supportive and understanding.

squidge60

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Dearest Squidge, the point about telling him how much you are hurting, that your whole world has appeared to have collapsed around you is not just for him to hear these things, it's that you NEED to express them. Because it's true.

Plus, as he's mortally wounded to you in the most excruciating way possible I don't necessarily think he should be spared seeing the devastation his decision has caused you.

i have sent him an email thankyou.

Cat695

squidge60 wrote: »

My oh has decided after 20+ yrs out of the blue he does not love me.:(There was me thinking all was fine great eh .I dont know how to cope the anger and hurt is overwhelming :(So if anyone has any tips please for someone who naively thought she had the best dad/oh and was going into old age with them on how to get over it.I have no family no friends we moved here not long ago and i have kept myself to myself as had done the friend thing many times.Now i feel so lonely lost never thought something could hurt so much.:(

Squidge

I know you don't know me (and I just happen to have a nosey on this part of the forum and saw your thread) I just want to say something from my experience.

My wife left me 6 years ago...out of the blue and said the same thing to me...I fought for 5 1/2years to get her back and its ruined me, it was only 6 or so months ago I finally realised that no matter what I did or said etc(and boy did I try everything) nothing will change the fact she doesn't love me any more (I truly thought we were the perfect couple).

I crave to find someone, Its amazing what you miss and I can't wait to have those feeling again about someone.....I just wish I did something about it sooner. (and I'm a pretty damn good catch if you ask me lol)

I promise you this! you WILL go through those 5 stages of grief......

denial----you will start to deny its happening (if not already)
anger

---

you will get angry with him and yourself(sounds like you are starting this now)
bargaining

---

this is the worst (well was for me) you will say/do anything to get them back (and it will haunt you long after)I think they should also call this desperation!
depression

---

I use to hide away from the world
acceptance

---

Finally you feel like life is coming back---but this is where I now am and regret wasting all those years and doing all the things I did.

Some people won't agree and not everyones "case" is the same, but rather sooner than later you need to get on with your life or you will just end up wasting it. because believe me time soon rushers by as you sit wasting it.

I hope everything DOES turn out ok for you.

SueC_2

Although I've had (more than) my fair share of broken relationships, I can't claim to have experienced anything on this level. However, about a year ago I witnessed someone very close to me go through it. 28 years married, 3 almost grown-up children, one of the most stable relationships I've ever seen. All blown to pieces over night when he decided it wasn't what he wanted anymore.

She went through hell. There were tears, there were tantrums. Then one day she forced herself to turn a corner. She didn't verbalise it at the time, but now is able to explain. That day she 'just' (but there's no 'just about it!) made a decision. She had spent 28 years with someone who had just proved they weren't worth it. But that didn't give them any right to ruin her life. She consciously decided that, traumatic as the situation was, her moping and being miserable could not possibly help in anyway. I'm not saying there haven't been low times since then, because there have. But on the whole she has been an absolute inspiration to me. How anyone can bounce back like that, and learn to roll with the punches (and believe me, there have been a few) is something I can only aspire to. But she's pulled it off. Purely and simply by keeping positive.

Oh yeah, and her other piece of advice... "Never, ever, turn down an invitation, to anything, however much you really don't want to go, you don't know where it will lead, and it'll be better than sitting home alone feeling miserable".

squidge60

Cat695 wrote: »

Squidge

I know you don't know me (and I just happen to have a nosey on this part of the forum and saw your thread) I just want to say something from my experience.

My wife left me 6 years ago...out of the blue and said the same thing to me...I fought for 5 1/2years to get her back and its ruined me, it was only 6 or so months ago I finally realised that no matter what I did or said etc(and boy did I try everything) nothing will change the fact she doesn't love me any more (I truly thought we were the perfect couple).

I crave to find someone, Its amazing what you miss and I can't wait to have those feeling again about someone.....I just wish I did something about it sooner. (and I'm a pretty damn good catch if you ask me lol)

I promise you this! you WILL go through those 5 stages of grief......

denial----you will start to deny its happening (if not already)
anger

---

you will get angry with him and yourself(sounds like you are starting this now)
bargaining

---

this is the worst (well was for me) you will say/do anything to get them back (and it will haunt you long after)I think they should also call this desperation!
depression

---

I use to hide away from the world
acceptance

---

Finally you feel like life is coming back---but this is where I now am and regret wasting all those years and doing all the things I did.

Some people won't agree and not everyones "case" is the same, but rather sooner than later you need to get on with your life or you will just end up wasting it. because believe me time soon rushers by as you sit wasting it.

I hope everything DOES turn out ok for you.

Thanks for your post i am sorry your wife did that (usually seems more like men go off).I wont be trying to get him back as it feels theres no point.Some prior warning would have been good.:(i always thought couples argued lots before how naive am i ! Good luck i hope you find someone you sound like you deserve.:)

ellay864

Squidge, I had to reply to you when I saw your post, and I hope you don't mind but I'm going to copy and paste quite a bit from a post I put on a while ago in reply to another lady going through a marriage breakup. A lot of what I said then is what I would say to you now. And have a big hug to go with it too xx

I hope this doesn't turn into a long ramble and it might not seem encouraging to start with but please bear with me. My ex left me (after 14 years together) for someone else, more than 10 years ago now. I was totally devastated as I loved him so much and felt like my whole world was ripped apart. Our sons were just 7 and 5 and I have no family (mine or his) living near so I had no idea how I'd cope. I had those same feelings of loss when a marriage is ending that you wanted to last. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep and sometimes just running off to the loo at work to bawl my eyes out, usually triggered by something seemingly inconsequential. The ex and I had to be in contact cos of the boys and for a while we were quite friendly...sometimes I loved that, tho I know now I was hoping it meant he felt enough for me to give us another try. We did come close at one point, and I even made the mistake of sleeping with him when he was having a bad patch with the other woman. As you can guess, it came to nothing in terms of getting him back, and resulted in the most almighty of bust-ups from which we never recovered - we now barely speak to each other. I'll be totally honest and say it took a long time for me to 'get over it' - even 2-3 years after I could get very upset. But it DOES get better. I did get out and date a bit - nothing serious - and then 4 years after we split I met my OH and we're now engaged. I'm happy, I really am, but I would be a liar if I said I never thought about the ex, and tbh I do still wish it had worked between us, though I'd not swap my fella now for anything.
It is very hard - no point pretending it isn't - but you do have to let go and try to put your efforts into focussing on other things in your life.
Sometimes just having someone to let it all out to can be great. In the first few months I had loads of friends wanting to take me out to help cheer me up, but gradually they were busy with their own lives and even though we didnt fall out, it just tailed off a bit. I think they assumed that after about 6 months I'd be OK but I know that even a year is not a long time to deal with all the emotions. That's where a counsellor may be some help as they wont be rushing off to sort their own lives off, they won't judge. And you can even specifically talk about the fact that you know it's over but need help to cope with it. To a certain extent you have to grab hold of your own life and look for positives, even though they seem few and far between right now. It's also OK to cry. If your husband had died nobody would suggest you shouldn't be grieving. You ARE grieving for the loss of a marriage. Around the time my husband left, another friend lost her husband after a short illness. I felt guilty at being in such a state as I felt she'd gone through far worse, but she actually pointed out to me that all she was left with were wonderful memories. I felt even my memories of our marriage were tainted as I tried to analyse at what points he didnt feel the same as I thought he had. Also I had to see him all the time knowing he was building a new life with another woman, doing family holidays with our sons with her etc. My friend recognised how difficult that was and that she was spared anything like that. So do appreciate you have gone through what is effectively a bereavment - you've lost someone you loved. And I really don't mean to offend anybody reading this who's been widowed - I'm not trying to compare in that sense, just pointing out that a loss of any kind still has to be dealt with and it's fine to let yourself do that.
I agree with Bitter&Twisted, write things down - either in a letter to him, or a diary for yourself. I did both and while it would set me off doing it, it was kind of cathartic - I did just need to let it out
Take yourself to new places with no connection to anything you did with him. Start to build up experiences that don't involve memories of things you once did with him. Try to maybe join a group, start evening class etc - anything to meet ne people and get new things in your life. You won't get rid of those other memories but you will have other things in your life.
I would love to say it's dead easy and you'll get over him in no time, but I can say it DOES get better. If you want to just let it out and need a shoulder PM me. Take care xx

tabskitten

Good luck
If it was your fault- you will be a better person as a result and you will love better in the future.
If it was not- you are free now to move on to someone who does love you.
Win/ Win- may not look like that now- but you can make it be that.

squidge60

Thankyou everyone i am feeling it hard to come back to this thread even though i feel the need to write I keep going over what he said i cant believe after telling me "i dont think i love you its over sorry"he asked if there was any post can anyone be so casual after all those years and so much history he even told me i looked good yeh well that will be because in the last 10 days since it started i havent really eaten.:( cant get my head around it again today just feels like a another xrap day no relief when i go to bed as always wake up for 2/3 hrs.:( I stopped smoking 6/7yrs ago and so want to go back to it but ds/dd have said please dont .Dreading the wkend no money at the moment no car at the moment .Trying to be upbeat for my dd shes only 12 and i have said things to her i would sooner not.:(only saying how it is to her but dont want to influence her in any way just cant hide the pain.:(Sorry people boring ramble

tabskitten

You Ramble away all you like!
This will not be easy but you will get over it and life will be good for you in the future. Just focus on you and your wonderful children.