So anyone else been in this situ ?

squidge60

minnie123 wrote: »

Whats going on with him - it sounds to me like he wants al the control. It's ok for him to say he doesn't want you and he wants to move out but if you agree or say similar he goes off on one. I think you need to be really really strong now you need to not let him treat you like this and you need to show him you are just there when he decides he wants you. I think you need to cut contact for a few days and let him stew.

Thankyou minnie123 for another reply I felt maybe its like you are saying.Very sad we cant talk he didnt tell me hes fedup with my moods (sounds bad doesnt it)makes me feel i am in a mood all the time:( I must admit it made me smile if the neighbours have noticed hes here/not/is/not

minnie123

Has he gone now? where is he staying?

squidge60

minnie123 wrote: »

Has he gone now? where is he staying?

I dont know where hes gone but its in the works van so guess hes got a callout.Trouble is he makes me feel bad for being "moody" so i send him a txt just saying him being like he that is why i have dreaded today :(He didnt even speak to me when he came in the door I am starting to wonder if he was like this before it all blew up and thats why i said what i said.:(Such a huge feeling of lack of tolerance from him lately

clearingout

squidge60 wrote: »

Last night i was in abit of a mood (some things could be timed better).But hes come home not spoken said "i dont know if i can live like this and i said i feel the same" so he flew into a rage:(Now we have shouted again and hes moved out :(He keeps on and on and on about my moods and cant see all day i worried he would go off on one and he has Said he came back to give it another go but cant live like it he hasnt i cant help it i am niggly at the mo makes me feel like i am like it 24/7:( Just cannot talk but i really do not know why :(Its like if i am going to be in a good mood alls well but if not hes going to blow :(I dont know how to make it right he says he thinks we have talked but i feel we havent its not enough hes angry blameing my moods but hasnt mentioned this when we talked.:(Its crazy he seems to be living on the edge ? ALL the time

squidge, hun, this is EXACTLY the kind of game my ex played with me. 19 months later he does the same, to a lesser extent. It's guilt. They mess about to-ing and fro-ing between you and (sorry to say it again - I hope I'm wrong, I really do) the other woman, not quite letting go because you're safe and comfortable but wanting the excitement of that promised new future....

You are NOT moody, I promise you. You are NOT pefect, that much I do promise you as well! When a marriage breaksdown, survival kicks in - and that's what he's doing now, justifying his actions to himself, putting you in the 'bad person' position so he doesn't have to think about what he's doing. He's surviving - putting himself in a position where he thinks about him, only him and nothing else. As time goes on you WILL face up to what has been going on in your marriage - it took me over a year to realise that my marriage was not what I thought it was and that I wasn't an innocent victim. Indeed, at some level, I totally understand why he had an affair. But he made choices for me, put me down, messed with my head, disrespected me, lied to me, denied me financial support, threatened to take the roof from over my head and our children from my care, he denied our children attendance at my dad's funeral and because his girlfriend was more important, he didn't see his third child born. Indeed, he didn't see baby until he was 5 days old and even then, he didn't acknowledge him. Neither I, nor our children, deserved any of that. And actually, his girlfriend didn't deserve to be lied to about our sex life - because of course he was sleeping with me right up to the end, how on earth do you think I got pregnant?!!!

You can't skirt round the edges of your emotions. You have to go headfirst through this crap to come out of the other side. But you will survive and I promise you, your life will be better on the other side. Hang on in there.

There is a book called 'the Journey from Abandonment to Healing' by Susan Anderson which might help you with this early stage. It's American and written with a lot of....sugar on it if you get what I mean (!!) but between the psycho-babble there's some helpful stuff in coping and understanding some of your own reactions (you probably feel you're going mad right now - this is normal, I promise) and dealing with them. I only wish I had found it sooner. Keep smiling - it's easier than frowning.

babyharry5

Hi there
had a friend who went thru something very similar, husband kept coming back and spending a few days and then leaving again.
It does seem like he has been seeing this other woman, who may now well be putting some pressure on him to make a decision. Clearly with the to-ing and fro-ing he is not sure what to do.

All I would say, is that you cannot control his emotions , words, rages etc, but you can control your own. I totally agree with others who have said that you need to make the decision to stay clear for a while and YOU make the decision if you really want to be with him? Speaking to him and seeing him, allows him to put you even further into turmoil, upsetting you, shouting at you.
You dont deserve this - he is the one who (highly likely) has had an affair, he is the one who has not been honest with you or himself. You cannot allow him to decide how you feel anymore .
DO NOT blame yourself, all couples have problems and he has chosen not to talk this over with you

DO NOT allow him to do this to you any longer

Only speak to him again when you feel that you are strong enough to make decisions for yourself, rather than allow him to make them for you

I really hope that you get through this ( with or without your hubby) a stronger & happier person
best wishes s x

squidge60

Thankyou clearingout for your post and exposeing so much of your life.x We spend so much time together tbh i dont think the other woman would put up with it,and tbh i told him to move out when things had been fine up until then (although i do realise i could be wrong ) he has always said one woman at a time even when he was a lot younger before he met me he was like that. He said to dd he will ring later so i dont know feels abit like hes acting first with rage and thinking later although it definetly feels like a control thing dont know why hes being like it he wouldnt even give me a kiss when i went to give one.! Said we had to talk frst and that was it out of proportion cant see a way forward with this tbh

C_Mababejive

iwannabeloved wrote: »

I don't mean to be harsh but it sounds like he could have someone else.

I wouldnt jump to that conclusion just yet. I think there are deeper,more complex issues.

PS Oops=spoke too soon without reading the full story...still..i'm not sure an old flame on the scene is the full story.

clearingout

I STILL struggle with the fact my ex had an affair - I don't know when/how/where. I didn't know who the hell she was for nearly a year - her name meant nothing to me only later I realised she was his bookeeper and the whole thing clicked. My ex came home everynight, spent every weekend with us. But he has his own business and of course, he occassionally went away 'on business' and being self-employed, I guess it didn't matter if the boss was out all afternoon - I never called him on the office number because these days we all have mobiles, don't we? He always answered his phone, left his phone on the side for me to see (not that I ever looked at it 'cos I trusted him), I had all the passwords to his email, left his post hanging around.... His behaviour didn't change - or at least I realise now it did, but it was subtle and over time so I guess I didn't notice. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I hope it's not an affair but it's looking that way. I'm sorry.

squidge60

clearingout wrote: »

I STILL struggle with the fact my ex had an affair - I don't know when/how/where. I didn't know who the hell she was for nearly a year - her name meant nothing to me only later I realised she was his bookeeper and the whole thing clicked. My ex came home everynight, spent every weekend with us. But he has his own business and of course, he occassionally went away 'on business' and being self-employed, I guess it didn't matter if the boss was out all afternoon - I never called him on the office number because these days we all have mobiles, don't we? He always answered his phone, left his phone on the side for me to see (not that I ever looked at it 'cos I trusted him), I had all the passwords to his email, left his post hanging around.... His behaviour didn't change - or at least I realise now it did, but it was subtle and over time so I guess I didn't notice. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I hope it's not an affair but it's looking that way. I'm sorry. [/ I see what you are saying i cant get my head around the fact hes so hacked off with me :(He came tuesday late left sat morn but spent the day with dd as she went with friends to an attraction so surely he woundnt have done that and tbh he didnt have to tell me about an ex because i woundnt have known any better. And he didnt leave i told him to move out.i dont know just dont get after all these years why its not being resolved he felt we talked yesterday but i dont think we did.So another example of being on different levels.!:(

mineallmine

HI there,
Just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. Thank goodness you have this thread and the lovely support.
I think you need for at least 1 day to call the shots. Could you stay with a friend or sister or aunt all day? Just be away from the house, mobile, email etc? I'm not surprised that you're struggling back and forth emotionally as he is taking you on that journey. And its cruel. Dont judge how he is interacting with your DD as part of the deal. This is between you and him.
I am always amazed how easily in relationships people can convince the other party it/s all about them, their fault. But that convincing only works if we let it.
So please try and find some space away from him. Try to think of every email and text or phone call to him as taking a chunk from you. Now of course its easy for us here to say those things but please know that our hearts are really with you. and how about this for an uplifitng video? its from the oprah winfrey site and this woman speaks some wise words. :A

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Donna-Brazile-Seminar-from-O-Magazines-10th-Anniversary-Video