So anyone else been in this situ ?

Redman30

squidge60 wrote: »

I see what you are saying i cant get my head around the fact hes so hacked off with me

The likelihood is he's confused, guilty and angry with himself for being unable to make whatever decision he's stewing over, seeing you will remind him off this and end up with him being stroppy and uncommunicative. The anger is then aimed at you in a nice little self defense mechanism, leaving you wondering what the hell is going on.

You have every right to be temperamental with him as far as I can see, he spent a night with an ex, then when he decided to crawl back made a nasty comment about sex. Makes you wonder if he was all up for this ex, then when it came to it he couldn't go through with it for whatever reason. That would certainly add to his confusion... The worrying part is that he obviously doesn't see that he has to talk to you about everything, or you'll end up resenting his accusations.

pelirocco

minnie123 wrote: »

Whats going on with him - it sounds to me like he wants al the control. It's ok for him to say he doesn't want you and he wants to move out but if you agree or say similar he goes off on one. I think you need to be really really strong now you need to not let him treat you like this and you need to show him you are just there when he decides he wants you. I think you need to cut contact for a few days and let him stew.

He wants an excuse to leave , so he can with a clear ''conscience '' blame her for making him unhappy?

squidge60

Redman30 wrote: »

The likelihood is he's confused, guilty and angry with himself for being unable to make whatever decision he's stewing over, seeing you will remind him off this and end up with him being stroppy and uncommunicative. The anger is then aimed at you in a nice little self defense mechanism, leaving you wondering what the hell is going on.

You have every right to be temperamental with him as far as I can see, he spent a night with an ex, then when he decided to crawl back made a nasty comment about sex. Makes you wonder if he was all up for this ex, then when it came to it he couldn't go through with it for whatever reason. That would certainly add to his confusion... The worrying part is that he obviously doesn't see that he has to talk to you about everything, or you'll end up resenting his accusations.

I must admit sunday i asked a few questions about this woman and thought he might blow he didnt his attitude is when i asked "do you think she wanted more he said i think so everyone wants me":(in a jokey way she is from his teens so i dont know he didnt have to tell me anything i wouldnt have known.Ever since i told him to move out hes been staying with a workmate and when he rang yesterday seemed to go to out of his way to say he was meeting this guy in the pub. Last night i said i feel this woman isnt helping as he didnt say yes/no to getting together with her if we dont sort out issues out so maybe i am wrong but feel threatened his answer was maybe i should go and xxxx her then.I have now said to him i need a few days so he said txt him tbh i dont know where to go from here heart says and head says

clearingout

Good for you. Now stick with it for a few days, however hard. Spend sometime thinking about you and what you want.

I suggest:
- if you don't want your marriage to end, you must immediately get into couple's counselling. This is non-negoiatable. He attends with you or you attend along. If you go alone, that's fine. It will help you work out what you want. Be warned, he will probably say he'll attend and not bother. Either that or you can work it out between you - you can't, it's gone too far already.
- spending some time reseraching the legalities and practicalities of divorce (I know that's hard to get your head round). You need to get ahead of him on this. He will start threatening you with divorce and saying all sorts (like he can have you thrown out of the family home if you don't pay the mortgage, or take your daughter to live with him) so you need to know your rights. I PM'd you a good divorce website - wikivorce - and you can look on entitled.com for what might happen in terms of tax credit etc as a single mum. Run his details through the CSA website calculator so you know what to expect in child maintenance (see the Child Maintenance Options website for details of how to work out child maintenance - it doens't have to go to the CSA and best avoided if you can possibly help it) It is hard doing this - you won't want to face up to it (took me 4 months) but if you get your head round it, he will be far less able to intimidate you. Many people in this situation start threatening you with 'my solicitor says' when they've been no where near a solicitor and it's scary when you're already confused and upset. My ex tried to tell me that his solicitor had told him that I should do a pregnancy test of his choice whilst he stood in the loo and watched me!!!! He didn't believe I was pregnant (it was bad timing, and horribly convenient for me, yes, but I wasn't lying!!). Solicitors rarely say anything. It's not their job. Down the line he will try and intimidate you with 'my solicitor's better than yours', if it gets that far, which is also usual/normal. Ignore it.
- Relate do a series of books which are relatively cheap second hand on Amazon and ebay. Have a look for them - they are clearly written and will help you from all angles - emotional, practical.

Keep focused. You want to save your marriage, I think, but you can't do that alone. At the moment he's not co-operating. What are you going to do? Let him walk all over you for the next few months or prepare yourself for what MIGHT happen?

Take care. PM me if you want to chat - I know it's hard. I hate seeing people in these situations, it was the worst time of my life. But I survived. You will too. xxxx

squidge60

Well i didnt contact him at all yesterday even though it was tempting i just want this sorted.:(Thinking about it this morning when he came home from work the other night he was raging didnt speak and then said he couldnt live like this (meaning my little moody the night before) . The truth is he didnt want to talk did he ?he wanted to go and i get in contact trying to be nice so next he says we will talk not that same night as he took the works van. Why has he come back just to leave on something so small he had left so i dont know if i want to contact him i am sick of it just realised after the initial my telling him to move out after a few days i did say that "there was nothing else to say" but that was because i felt he could have come back sooner than he did but since then i am the one trying to get him back so just making it worse.:( Sorry people another ramble just trying to make sense of it all i suddently feel the person who said he wants to leave but wants it to seem like i am the xitch so its easier on him is starting to ring true:( Was feeling abit better but now just realised this feel gutted :(

mineallmine

Hi there. You need to spend at least another day making no contact. You cannot make sense of your feelings whilst texting, emailing or phoning. You need to get your mind and thinking clearer. Take a bath or long shower. Do what you want to do today. The clearing thinking will come and a plan of what to do next.

squidge60

Well we met up talked then couldnt:(then we went in the house and everything just came together :)Bottom line we have always been soulmates we dont usually do anything without each other sad but true ! I realise i started everything but now i hope we can get over this and move on since hes come home (even last week) i can see he has tried (buying stuff etc) and was disapointed i got moody as to him i guess is i shoudnt have.:(From being apart i can also see he is stressed and things he would like to do he doesnt (he hasnt whinged its not his style)so i need to push him to have more time to himself to do what he wants to do without us.:) Time apart makes you realise how very much you think of that person and how much we have missed each other .So i am trying to use the time we had apart to improve things (hes always tried harder tbh)and be a better oh.I would like to say thankyou very much to everybody who gave advice it did very much help.:) x

meg72

Newly_retired wrote: »

I was once in your shoes. It is very hard. Eventually you WILL feel better. Eventually, because of the children - and now the grandchildren - we are able to be civil and sociable when the occasion demands. Actually that marriage - and betrayal - now feels a dim and distant memory. It WILL pass. You WILL get stronger.

Yes you will get over this. Dont ask me how, because a situaion like this is worse than a bereavement. Someone who dies had no choice.but your other half left by choice. In my own situation was married 30 years, my friend 27 years, very painful.

I would just like to send a hug if I may. Best wishes Meg

minnie123

I'm glad you have sorted it but don't let him mess you around again xxxxxxxxxxxx

squidge60

minnie123 wrote: »

I'm glad you have sorted it but don't let him mess you around again xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks minnie123 i did pm you to say thanks for taking timeout for me.:) I think some of it with him is being hurt as i told him to move out :(and hes wanted to make sure i want him.I want to very much use this time we have been apart in a positive way.He has said now about no more messing about and our next anniversary (which is ages away) being together. We have to many years together to be like this really i never want it to spiral out of control like it felt it did.It was a first but crazy.So once again thankyou