Birth Partner - am I being unfair?

belfastgirl23

You sound like a lovely person, you're handling it all really well and hopefully your MIL will take a step back and realise what she's asked you to do and that it isn't fair on you...lots of luck!

jackieglasgow

Do you want to know what I think? Tough, I'm telling you anyway!:rotfl::rotfl:

I think it's the old "having a son" thing. You are giving birth to a boy, who will carry the family name, and although a man loves his daughters, every man wants a son, and should be there when he's born so that he's the proud daddy of a boy, which proves his manhood.*

I'm not saying your ExH believes this, but I'll bet you a penny to a pound if you were having another girl she wouldn't be half as bothered.

*Disclaimer: this is not my opinion, just for the record.

maggied_2

Hi Gemma

I remember you from your posts when you and X separated and I honestly hope that if I ever find myself up against it as you did I would act with the same quiet dignity and stoicism. I know MIL has been wonderful support to you but I agree she is totally overstepping the mark here.

Just because you are pregnant with their son / grandson does not make you some bl00dy rent-a-womb that they can coerce into their way of thinking. Your ex is a grown man and if he wants to plead his case to you about the birth then he can but he doesn't need mummy and daddy to accompany him.

I would politely ask them not to come over en masse - you do not need this at the moment and I think it's incredible that your ex has behaved in the manner he has towards you and his daughters only to be making demands now. You were the one that held everything together for your daughters when he was treating you all so very badly - I'm not saying that you need to punish him in anyway for this (and if I understand the sort of person you are then you wouldn't anyway) but he should be extremely grateful for the generosity you have already extended.

Good luck xx

JBD

jackieglasgow wrote: »

I think it's the old "having a son" thing. You are giving birth to a boy, who will carry the family name, and although a man loves his daughters, every man wants a son, and should be there when he's born so that he's the proud daddy of a boy, which proves his manhood.*

I'm not saying your ExH believes this, but I'll bet you a penny to a pound if you were having another girl she wouldn't be half as bothered.

*Disclaimer: this is not my opinion, just for the record.

The father doesn't have to be present in the delivery room when the child is born, irrespective of whether it is a girl or a boy. This is a relatively recent idea. My mother had 5 children and didn't have our Dad, or any other birth companion for any of them. It is perfectly possible to bond with the baby without being present at the actual birth.
Would like to add, I second everything Maggied says in her post.

Mips

Birthing is an emotional experience (for some, I was off my head on drugs both times) - seeing as you are having a natural home birth, is it really the time to have the partner who cheated on you, in the same room.. watching it all?

It's not as if you two are going to kiss and make up afterwards and hold your precious newborn together is it?!

BitterAndTwisted

It's possible that at the meeting this evening your ex will try and impress on his parents that he understands and has accepted your position about the birth, so it may not necessarily result in you being outnumbered in your own home. Do you have any reason so suspect that your ex has changed his position now that your MIL has made her feelings clear? In any case, you've already shown that you know how to behave with great dignity so I daresay you'll be able to do the same this evening and not lose your temper and consequently not lose the affection of your greatest ally.

I wish you all the best

mistrihelen

I feel very angry for you!

Three of them coming over sounds like bullying to me. While you are clearly strong (and extremely polite) I wonder if they think 'oh she's been so nice, maybe if we just push a bit more', because otherwise they are being unthinkingly pushy considering how late you are in your pregnancy. If my inlaws turned up tonight with demands about how I'm going to labour in a few weeks, I'd end up in tears!

I don't know what they think they're going to achieve. You've been unfailingly thoughtful in your replies about what to do in this matter and if they're coming over it doesn't sound like they want to back down - so do they expect you to suddenly change your mind about everything?

It's unfortunate if your daughter doesn't like being in her father's care at the moment, but whose fault is it - her father's! And MIL getting upset about it can't change the fact that her son broke everyone's trust.

Good luck with keeping calm, firm, and then having your baby the way YOU want to.

gratefulforhelp_2

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Hi all

Just after some opinions please as I've had some harsh words this morning with my MIL (very unusual, she's brilliantly supportive).

My husband and I split up in November after I found out he cheated. There's 10 tonnes of other stuff happened since, but it's not really relevant.

He's been back in touch with the children (we have two daughters) for a while now and has been paying his maintenance without fail. He's also been very helpful recently with helping with the school run and things as I'm struggling very badly with SPD.

The issue of birthing partners came up today and MIL asked if I wanted her to come around to look after the girls while I'm in labour. We'll be at home as I'm having a home birth (hopefully). I told her there was no need as that is ex's job and she asked who was going to be with me and I told her that my cousin (my only family of my own and my best friend). This has caused MIL to get really angry that I'm 'not allowing' my ex to be at the birth of his child.

Apparently I'm being very selfish and using our baby to punish him. I don't think I am, I just don't particularly want him there while I'm labouring. For my last two births I've been most comfortable completely naked and in the pool on my hands and knees. She pointed out that it's not anything he hasn't seen before, but I just don't feel comfortable with it.

However, it's the first time my MIL has been critical of me. She has been my staunchest support in the whole saga and it's made me wonder if she has a point. We are having a boy so it'll be his first son and I'm wondering if I'm being silly or mean by not wanting him there. I'm quite taken aback by MIL actually, I've never had words with her like that in the entire time I've known her. I don't really know what to think now.

Gemma x

You are entirely right to have whoever you choose with you and it is nobodies business but yours.

Maybe you need to distance yourself from her a little?

mrcow

jackieglasgow wrote: »

I You are giving birth to a boy, who will carry the family name

Will he?

Has the OP stated that the baby will have the father's surname? My son certainly wouldn't if I wasn't married!

Savvy_Sue

How did it go? Did it go or did you cancel?