Birth Partner - am I being unfair?

Person_one

mrcow wrote: »

No - he'll always be a father.

Yep, its his rights as a partner/husband he forfeited. Same result though, he stays outside!

daska

GobbledyGook wrote: »

:rotfl: When I was in labour with our first daughter he was trying to be supportive and because I was panicking a wee bit he kept saying, "It's fine, be calm. Just breathe". So I told him if he said it again I was going to go to the fruit bowl and fetch an orange, then I was going to stick it, unlubricated, a certain place and see how he felt to be told to "Just breathe" so I'm not surprised he's not overly complaining about being in the room next door. :rotfl:

:rotfl:

I thought the commonly used equivalent was a football...

JBD

daska wrote: »

:rotfl:

I thought the commonly used equivalent was a football...

I thought it was a watermelon:rotfl:
[Well, that's what my 1st felt like]

daska

I was thinking of that description of giving birth as "like shi**ing a football":eek:

p.s. I'm not worrying about worrying the OP cos she already knows what to expect. I still wonder about my own sanity having had a second LOL

GobbledyGook

I only said orange because there was one right in my line of vision :rotfl:I daresay if there was something bigger in sight I would have suggested that.


As for the MIL, apparently she's concerned that I'm being "too harsh" on the ex with regards to the children. He hadn't seen them for a while and our 3 year old had/has become very, very clingy to me. When he decided to get back on track I insisted he build up his time with the girls (as opposed to him just taking them on a Friday and bringing them back on a Sunday without any build up).

The youngest is still so unsettled that he hasn't had them overnight yet (each time he's tried to have them for more than 4 hours she ends up hysterical and making herself sick). Ex explained to her that he felt that bringing the little un back when she got into that state was the best way of dealing with it because he simply can't calm her.

MIL seems to think I'm not doing anything to encourage her that it's ok to be with her Daddy and that if I do the same with the baby he'll hardly see him or bond with him.

I'm bloody fuming now and absolutely devastated that she could think this of me. PIL and ex are coming over tonight to "chat" once the girls are in bed. I'm not looking forward to it all as I can see my relationship with my MIL going right out of the window. I just don't need this right now. I really don't.

jackieglasgow

Could you not get your cousin to come too, for someone to support you. I would not be happy at all if I were you, being "ganged up on" in your own home, halfway through your pregnancy. Do YOU want them to come, if not, tell them to stay away until you want to talk. This is not up to your PIL's to sort out, or where I come from, we call it interfere in, it's up to you and ExH. I am raging for you. X

JBD

OP, I think your PIL'S are getting a little bit too involved in your affairs. It is up to you and your ex to sort out these issues, not anyone else. Personally I would be telling them this, in a nice way of course.
You said you had become very close to your MIL, perhaps you need to stand on your own 2 feet a little more.
I understand your situation, I was seperated when I had my 3rd child. I did manage to do it on my own, my MIL [now sadly passed on] was lovely but never tried to butt in or take over.
Hope you manage to come to a happy compromise, but please don't allow yourself to be 'guilt tripped' into backing down. It is up to you to decide on how you want to manage your labour, and up to you and your ex to decide on access, not other family members.

Bubby

GG - If you don't feel up to the chat this evening then simply ring and say you aren't feeling well and will need to re-arrange it. There is nothing to be gained from getting stressed right now and being pregnant will obviously make it all the more emotional.

It is perfectly understandable that your youngest feels very upset to be parted from you and building up the visits is definately the right thing to do, as long as you aren't saying anything negative about dad then there is nothing you are doing wrong.

Your pil will have to accept that unfortunately you are no longer a family "unit" and decisions that were once made by yourself and your ex will be made mostly by you with his agreement. You are the parent with residence of the children therefore his family will need to work around your plans. I think it is important to get some ground rules in place (although I don't think with weeks to go before birth that this is the time) so that you don't have to worry about these issues in the future, after all you may meet someone else in the future and then things will change even more:)

I fear that they are coming to have a "chat" in order to appeal to you to have him in the room and in essence railroad you into this decision because they know you think so highly of them:mad:, don't let them do this, if they have an issue with the delivery and who is there they need to take this up with their son who can explain to them what you have decided.

mrcow

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I'm bloody fuming now and absolutely devastated that she could think this of me. PIL and ex are coming over tonight to "chat" once the girls are in bed. I'm not looking forward to it all as I can see my relationship with my MIL going right out of the window. I just don't need this right now. I really don't.

Sorry, but it's quite clear that they are overstepping the mark.

Why does it take three of them to come over? Did you invite them? If not, I'd be making my excuses now. If your ex wants to maintain a good relationship with his children, then he needs to put the enthusiam and effort in - as we all do as parents.

Most of all, he has to BE THERE - as we all do as parents. It's not your job to big him up to anyone.

If he wants to discuss it, then he should do so by himself

GobbledyGook

I'm really torn on what to do. Part of me wants to put it off for a bit, but it's just over a month before I'm due so I want it all sorted asap.

My MIL has been me staunchest supporter over the years so this has totally thrown me. My FIL walked me down the aisle at our wedding because my Grandfather was too poorly so they've been like parents to me for 10 years+ since I met them.

They know I won't allow interference (they tried to talk me out of BF'ing my first on the basis that they could help more as I was struggling with tiredness and got the short, sharp shrift from me over it) so it's come as a real surprise. I'm not easily swayed - my "parents" were both alcoholics and drug users and I essentially brought myself up between the ages of 3 and 7 when my Grandparents finally won custody of me, and then again in my teens when my Grandfather started to get dementia and my Grandmother needed caring for too. So I'm not entirely sure what MIL hopes to achieve. I can cope by myself if I need to so whilst I love her dearly I won't relent just to keep them onside.

Given that the ex basically kicked the girls and I out, had nothing to do with them for weeks, left me up the creek without a paddle financially and caused major grief for all of us which he left me to sort I think I'm being pretty damn reasonable! No idea where this has come from at all because he is happy with it - he said last night he was quite surprised that I agreed to him being in the flat, he thought I'd want him nowhere near so why his mother isn't happy with that I don't know.

Ach well, I've been used to being on my own in tougher circumstances than this so I'll manage. I can't ask my cousin to come over because her husband is poorly atm and they have 5 young children. Hence why I was asking MIL to be my back up birth partner. However the MW's who attend the homebirths are fabulous so I will be making it very, very, very clear tonight that I will be birthing alone if needs be - he will not be coming in so if she's trying some sort of daft 'push them back together by reverse/weird psychology' then she can just pack it right in.

One of these weeks I'll have a quiet week for the whole week!!!! Thanks all. Gemma x