Birth Partner - am I being unfair?

GobbledyGook

Hi all

Just after some opinions please as I've had some harsh words this morning with my MIL (very unusual, she's brilliantly supportive).

My husband and I split up in November after I found out he cheated. There's 10 tonnes of other stuff happened since, but it's not really relevant.

He's been back in touch with the children (we have two daughters) for a while now and has been paying his maintenance without fail. He's also been very helpful recently with helping with the school run and things as I'm struggling very badly with SPD.

The issue of birthing partners came up today and MIL asked if I wanted her to come around to look after the girls while I'm in labour. We'll be at home as I'm having a home birth (hopefully). I told her there was no need as that is ex's job and she asked who was going to be with me and I told her that my cousin (my only family of my own and my best friend). This has caused MIL to get really angry that I'm 'not allowing' my ex to be at the birth of his child.

Apparently I'm being very selfish and using our baby to punish him. I don't think I am, I just don't particularly want him there while I'm labouring. For my last two births I've been most comfortable completely naked and in the pool on my hands and knees. She pointed out that it's not anything he hasn't seen before, but I just don't feel comfortable with it.

However, it's the first time my MIL has been critical of me. She has been my staunchest support in the whole saga and it's made me wonder if she has a point. We are having a boy so it'll be his first son and I'm wondering if I'm being silly or mean by not wanting him there. I'm quite taken aback by MIL actually, I've never had words with her like that in the entire time I've known her. I don't really know what to think now.

Gemma x

mrcow

Don't fall out with her over this.

You need to tell her how wonderfully supportive she has been and that you know she's only trying to defend her son and that's understandable of any mother.

At the end of the day though, you need to do what you feel is right and comfortable for you. Be gentle with her - it's never easy being caught in the middle.

SPD sucks btw! Had it with 4 of my pregnancies and couldn't move my legs for a lot of the time. Acupuncture helped LOADS! I went from not being able to move to practically no pain in about 4 weeks. How many weeks gone are you and have you been offered it? If not, call up the hospital you're under and see if they offer it for pregnancy.

skylight

No. I wouldn't want my EX there either. He can be in the house and can be there in that sense, but no. No way.

I went potty when my ex-oh came upstairs when I was getting changed. He couldn't see the problem as he had seen it all before. Like I would undress in front of a ex from 20 years ago too????

It's my body. Therefore I get a choice with who see's it. An ex does not see it; I don't go showing off my bits to anyone and certainly not to people I don't like anymore!

If you are uncomfortable with it, then that's that. There is no way you can give birth feeling like that as it will make the whole experience horribe for you. Of course, on the flip side, it would give you that opportunity to beat the crip out of him...............

**confuzzled**

I'd stick to your guns if I were you and do what you feel most comfortable with. Yes it's his son, but do you really want him there, probably annoying the hell out of you seeing as he's an 'ex' for a reason, while you're in labour?! Besides he'll be in the same house so although he won't see his entry into the world he'll still be on of the 1st people to meet your son:)

As for the 'it's nothing he hasn't seen before' comment....so what?! The entire dynamics of the relationship has changed how would she feel stnading in all her naked glory in front of an ex??? Thats without the added pleasure of being in labour:p It aint gonna happen so why should you do it? he is now nothing more than the father of your children & should be treated as such:)

Hope all goes well when you do give birth:) x

diable

I think you are justified as he has lost his right to be there when he had an affair.

Her argument of seeing it all before isn't justified as once you split up with someone you don't parade yourself naked in front of them anymore.

jcr16

i think you have every right to have whoever you want as your birthing partner as your in labour. but i wouldn;t fall out with mil over it. it may be she was just a bit shocked at it and it took her back.

let her know maybe nothing is set in stone, but that doesn't mean in your mind your wishes arent' clear. it might just help soften the blow towards yout mil. let her know you respect her opinon and ope she respects your's. try to work from it and not let it devide you.

NAR

On the flipside (and playing devil's advocate to an extent) this is the birth of his son we are talking about and also the person who will be expected to support him financially for the next 18 years.

I do understand the OP's point about nakedness don't get me wrong. There is no perfect solution that I can think of.

Gingham_Ribbon

If he's in the house looking after your girls, he can be there right after the birth. Surely that's fine? It's not his right to be there while you're birthing. It's hard enough work without the labour being compromised by anxiety due to someone you don't want being there.

Does your MIL understand the physiology of a natural birth? Maybe showing her the problems associated with having someone there you don't feel comfortable with might help her understand your reserve?

I agree with mrcow about not alienating her. Be gentle, but be firm. This is YOUR choice. No-one else's.

Part_Mouse

Stick to your guns,at the end of the day its your body and her argument of your ex seeing it all before is hardly valid. If it makes you uncomfortable then its your right to do what feels best for you.

mummy_Jay

It's hard enough without adding unnecessary stress to the situation.

I'm surprised she's not being more supportive in wanting you to do what ever it takes to make it run smoothly rather than trying to push you into a stressful situation that could make things a lot harder.

Ex or not it should be about what you want and giving birth in the least stressful and most comfortable way possible. Otherwise you could argue why aren't the kids in their too.

You've been more than fair and asked him to do an equally important job by asking him to look after the other children.

Stick to your guns.

GobbledyGook

I really don't want to fall out with her. She's been like a mother to me for a number of years now, but I think this is the point that I always knew would appear one day - her son is her son, I may be like a daughter to her, but he IS her son.

I just don't think I want him there. He annoys me. He let me and our children down so badly and it's taken us a lot of long talks and hassle to get to the point where I can actually stand the sight of him.

We also wanted another baby for a long time and I know he always wanted a boy so this should have been an amazing, wonderful event for us as a couple and family. I'm going to be so emotional because it's an amazing, wonderful event in it's own right, but it's not the way I wanted it to be if that makes sense. I want to be able to concentrate on delivering my beautiful son without a constant reminder that it could have been even better and having to deal with my feelings about him and his actions as well.

I think I'll email MIL in a while and tell her that I love her and that I don't want to fall out. Ex will still be the 2nd person to hold his son, he'll still be one of the first people to see him and I'd never push him out of that.

I'm just sad because I was actually planning to ask MIL to be my back up birth partner as my cousin's husband has been ill recently and we're a bit worried about me being quite close now. Now I'm not sure she'd be supportive instead of just continually asking if I wanted him in.

mrcow - thanks for the acupuncture suggestion. I tried it, but I hated it. I don't like needles so I was so tense it hardly helped at all. I've only another few weeks to go (going by my cleaning spree yesterday perhaps not even that!) so I'm just getting by. It's mainly the stairs I struggle with and driving so I've been leaving as much of the school run to the ex as possible. Go to make him useful for something!