Birth Partner - am I being unfair?

January20

Where did your MIL get the idea that you were punishing your ex? Do he expect to be there? Have you told him what his role will be? It may be that he told his mother he was expecting to be there?

In any case, it's your choice, and as someone said before me, he lost the right to be there when he had an affair.

bestpud

NAR wrote: »

On the flipside (and playing devil's advocate to an extent) this is the birth of his son we are talking about and also the person who will be expected to support him financially for the next 18 years.

I do understand the OP's point about nakedness don't get me wrong. There is no perfect solution that I can think of.

Which is why he will be in the house supporting their other two children and will no doubt see and bond with the baby when it has been born.

His relationship is with their children now, not his ex partner.

She has no right to keep him from his son after he is born but the birthing process is more about the woman and he has no say in that any more.

GobbledyGook

He doesn't expect to be there January20. He actually asked a while ago if he could please be in the flat with the girls or to come right after so he could see his son. He was assuming, correctly, that he wasn't going to be there.

I think MIL had just assumed he would be there and perhaps was surprised that he wasn't.

brians_daughter

tbh i can see where she is coming from in a way, maybe she saw this as a route to you getting back together?? BUT its your body, you who will be labouring and in order for the birth and labour to go as smoothly as possible you need to be in control and relaxed.

I would speak with her and tell her this, please dont fall out.

why not - and just an idea? Have her there with your ex looking after the kids, you may decide in the labour that you do want your ex there after all (speaking from experience i split with ds1s dad when 5 months preg for simular reasons and i was 100% convinced i didnt want him at the birth, i was no way gonna take him back etc etc. Anyway..fastforward to 9cm dilated and i had the nurses on the phone to him to get him to the hospital as i had changed my mind and felt it right (at the time) that he was present. I am not saying you will do this at all, but simply showing how things can change in a split second.

I had a homebirth with ds2 and all was well, with ds3 i had to be rushed in at the last minute as baby was getting upset - so at least if MIL was with your ex looking after kids whilst you were labouring IF you did have to be rushed in and IF you decided he was to be present you ahve the options and childcare in place to be able to make your wishes reality.

Your mil has to accept your decisions, even if she doesnt think they are the right ones, when are you due? She will have to get used to teh fact you are seperated from her son and basically you call the shots

bestpud

GobbledyGook wrote: »

He doesn't expect to be there January20. He actually asked a while ago if he could please be in the flat with the girls or to come right after so he could see his son. He was assuming, correctly, that he wasn't going to be there.

I think MIL had just assumed he would be there and perhaps was surprised that he wasn't.

Maybe she was just taken aback and it was a knee jerk reaction.

She may well feel differently when she has chance to think it through properly.

NAR

GobbledyGook wrote: »

He doesn't expect to be there January20. He actually asked a while ago if he could please be in the flat with the girls or to come right after so he could see his son. He was assuming, correctly, that he wasn't going to be there.

I think MIL had just assumed he would be there and perhaps was surprised that he wasn't.

I think your comment about MIL's son being her son, is relevant - protective of him at all times. Go ahead with your email stating that ex will be 2nd to hold the baby; that should show her that you are taking account of his feelings. Also if you could agree to make MIL the offer of being your back-up birthing partner I think it would show that you want her and her son included in the birth. Hopefully that will calm her.

GobbledyGook

briansdaughter - there isn't really space in the girls' room to have them, plus my ex and his mother. If we need to go to the hospital then the girls will go downstairs to their friends house if it's at night or if suitable ex will take them to his mother's. I assumed he'd spoken to her about it so I'm quite taken aback.

She possibly does see it as a route for us to get back together and, put simply, it's a notion she'll have to get rid of. It's not going to happen. I could have possibly forgive his affair, but not his behaviour afterwards towards our children.

I'm 98% sure I won't change my mind about him being there because I seriously toyed with suggesting he stayed in the room with DD1 the last time. He's just annoying when you are in labour. I just want to be left alone and no matter how many times I said this he just fussed constantly. I know that makes me sound very harsh, but for all I loved him then he annoyed the life out of me lol.

I'm due on the 6th of July officially (although I'm convinced that is 5 days to a week late) so don't have long left. Certainly need to sort it quickly as I don't want my baby's arrival to be marred with a row.

I'm now worried about the debate over his name that is likely to ensue!!

Thanks all. Gemma x

GobbledyGook

NAR wrote: »

I think your comment about MIL's son being her son, is relevant - protective of him at all times. Go ahead with your email stating that ex will be 2nd to hold the baby; that should show her that you are taking account of his feelings. Also if you could agree to make MIL the offer of being your back-up birthing partner I think it would show that you want her and her son included in the birth. Hopefully that will calm her.

I think it is NAR.

She has supported me relentlessly over the past few months. She fell out with him for a while over the whole saga, but I've always been very aware in my mind that, at the end of the day, she is HIS mother - not mine. That bond will always be there and her loyalty will always be to him ultimately.

I think I will still mention the back-up to her and just hope we don't need it or that when she speaks to him she realises he is ok with it all.

brians_daughter

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I'm now worried about the debate over his name that is likely to ensue!!

Gemma, 1 step at a time! Goodness, i do feel for you. MAYBE ex should speak with his mother. If you didnt want him there last time and you were happy then you deffo dont want him there this time lol!

Good luck,a dn you should be resting and enjoying your pregnancy, not worrying about MIL x take care

gonzo127

GobbledyGook wrote: »

We also wanted another baby for a long time and I know he always wanted a boy so this should have been an amazing, wonderful event for us as a couple and family. I'm going to be so emotional because it's an amazing, wonderful event in it's own right, but it's not the way I wanted it to be if that makes sense. I want to be able to concentrate on delivering my beautiful son without a constant reminder that it could have been even better and having to deal with my feelings about him and his actions as well.

i think that is a brilliant explaination and not one she could really argue with maybe let her know this and she should hopefully see that your not doing it to punish him