Birth Partner - am I being unfair?

JBD

Of course you are within your rights to not have your ex as your birth partner, in fact even if you were still together he wouldn't have any automatic right to be there. I think people are a little brainwashed nowadays into thinking that the father should always be present.
My children's Dad was present at the birth of all 3 of our children but if I knew then what I knew now he definitely wouldn't have been at the last 2.

SugarSpun

Tell MIL that you and your ex spoke, and that he'll be looking after the girls while you're labouring so he'll be in the flat but not in the room - does she think that when you said he wouldn't be there that you meant he wouldn't be anywhere nearby?

My labour progressed very slowly because the midwives were rancid b!tches and I was tense, and I imagine in your situation my cervix would put itself on indefinite lockdown. I hope you can sort it out, and the best of luck with the labour

dom300186

I dont know what i would do, i would probably ask a family memeber to grab him when you are about to have your son, i remember when i had our son i didnt care as long as he came out quick i remember having OH, My mother, MIL, and SIL 2 midwifes and 2 doctors as i had a terrible time.

Things change when your in labour i wanted a water birth and just me and OH but as you probably know from having 2 babies before, your plans go out of the window possibly have him on standby incase?

but its hard for me to judge as this is a hard subject because of his history with you.

Hope everything goes well
xxx

GobbledyGook

Well I'm leaving it for today. I sent the email, but it got quite a sharp, bordering on nasty, response.

Ex is coming to see the girls tonight so I will speak to him about it. I'm very, very upset, but also extremely angry. There's certainly no way I'll be having MIL as she said that would be 'exceptionally insulting' to my ex.

He was only going to be in the next room, hardly like I was cutting him out completely, but it's clear some true feelings and colours are coming out today. Just what I don't need.

Gemma x

Brighton_belle

Nothing useful to add OP other than how incredibly sad and rather angry I feel on your behalf.
I hope your ex is man enough to sort this out with his mother.

mistrihelen

I'm so sorry Gemma.

I've been told (am due to give birth end of June) that how relaxed you are has an affect on how hard/easy the labour is, so it's completely understandable that you would not want him there. I would hope it is just the emotion of it all getting to your MIL that is leading her to be like this when up till now she's been supportive, but that doesn't help you. Personally, I think you allowing him to be in the next room is more than generous (and what would happen with some men still in a relationship with their partner!) and there is nothing else you could do, unless you wanted to put everyone else before you, which could just lead to a hard labour and a baby in distress - and what would your MIL really prefer? I'd hope she'd put the new baby's health before the notion that the father of the child must be in the room.

I hope she comes to her senses or she'll not only lose this argument but lose the relationship she already has with you.

Good luck

LolaMadeline

Your MIL needs to understand that her son is not your partner anymore. He severed that tie when he cheated. He lost all rights and priveleges of a partner when he cheated.

So, she thinks it's insulting to ask her and not him? Well, boo hoo. He earned that status when he couldn't keep his pants zipped.

Maybe you should have your baby in a hospital and get away from the both of them. You don't need the added stress. The hospital staff could keep you buffered from them.

Errata

The birth will not be what you wanted or expected. Neither will it be the way your MIL expected it to be. If she's been as brilliant towards you as you say, could you cut her a bit of slack and be gentle with her ? No doubt her emotions are all over the place about this as well.
Gently explain to her your ex will hold his son in his arms the second he's born, and your OH is very happy about that and because of the circumstances expects no more.

GobbledyGook

Thanks all. I've spoken to the Ex and he is going to chat to his mother tomorrow.

I've also sent her another email telling her that my asking her to be back up birth partner wasn't meant to be an insult. It was entirely meant to reflect my feelings that after my cousin she is the person I have felt closest to in the world for the past few months.

I also said "I do wish things were different. I wish that we had a time machine and we could go back and stop L doing what he did so that the birth of this beautiful boy could be the way we all wished. However we can't and that changes everything. It especially changes my feelings towards L. I would never, ever stop him being a father to our children and I include Bubs in this. He and I have a totally different relationship now and that means that I am just not comfortable with the idea of having him around me while I'm labouring. He is a stranger to me now, you have even said that yourself that he has changed beyond recognition over the past 6/7 months. I need this birth to be about this beautiful baby boy who is entering the world for the first time. For him I need to be relaxed and calm and I won't be if L is in the room. I do hope you'll see where I am coming from and will reconsider what I said about being my back up for K. I love you very much, you have been like a mother to me for many years now. We have both worked very hard to ensure that what has happened between L & I did not come between us. I hope this doesn't come between us either."

I can't say anymore than that really. I just hope she comes around because she's a fabulous Grandmother and she's been fabulous to me.

I'm just hoping she calms when she realises that he is really happy to be allowed in the flat at all!!

Thanks all. Gemma x

Bennifred

Gemma, I just wanted to say I wish you all the best - I hope my future daughters-in-law will be as reasonable , thoughtful and understanding as you are! Your exMIL is very lucky.

(I did think, about the "seen it all before" remark - so would that make it OK for every ex to be present, too?!:eek:) - that's if there are any, of course....right, I'll shut up now:o