Girlfriend leaving but wants half of house

ben500

lisa_75 wrote:

I have spoken to my husband on the very issue and he says he loves me and the children equally, but if there was a fire in the house he would choose me. Now any woman reading this will know that the love you feel for your children is unique and so very strong that nothing, not even the love for your husband, can even compare.

I thought I knew what love was until I gave birth. As looby said I found it as natural as breathing as soon as they were born. I put my kids and their needs first most of the time, I have yet to meet a man who does this.

I am not saying ALL men feel this way. Of course there are exceptions to the rule as there are also women that leave their kids. I know about 8 single parents closely. In all cases, but one, the father does not see the children. We are not just talking casual relationships here, but a couple of long term marriages. My friend’s father walked out when she was 10, she has never seen him since. The father that does see his child seems him every weekend and is very committed, so there are good absent dads out there. Unfortunately for many children they are just not commonplace enough.

I wonder what he would have said had he been talking with one of the children? This is a poor example because most men being asked this question would know that there would be consequences for NOT saying, "Of course I would rescue you first"

Back on topic Steve the more I read of your posts the more I am inclined to think you have a "cake eater" I get the impression she is playing on your willingness to make things work {and hope of success} and your fear of the split and all it's consequences, is there not someone you can discuss this with in your family perhaps, someone who knows both of you and has some history on which to base their advice, from where I am standing I get the impression that you have made a great deal of effort to keep the relationship going and to remain reasonable but seen little reward other than patronisation in order to sustain the status quo on her part, I realise these are harsh words but suspect along the lines that you are already starting to appreciate as time goes on.

going2die_rich

You need to detach yourself from her as it's clouding your judgement. She's the one that no longer wants a life with you so why would you give up the home you've paid for, for her? Fair enough the kids need a home, but she doesn't have to buy, she can rent and if her part time income isn't enough thats what benefits are for. How long do you think it will be before she meets someone else? When she does, do you really think this new guy will want to be living around the corner from the ex? She'll be off in a shot once she's got half of the money.

It sounds harsh but you having finances means she can't kick you out of the childrens lives and gives you time to build up that relationship of being just friends, whereby she won't just discount your impact on the childrens lives.

If you are going to give her moeny for the kids give it in a cheque so that later if she claims you never paid anything you have proof through bank statements.

As for the house you might want to sell it but only so that you can get yourself a smaller place. That way you've got that spare cash to spend on your children to make this a less of an impact. But don't use it to turn them against their mother, but more so that the children don't go without while you both get back on your feet.

I can't say I'd sell half of the house to give it to her but I'd make sure she was okay in home and financial terms for the kids sake. This doesn't mean the house has to be perfect and your children are teenagers so they will probably leave for university in a few years so the money would be better going towards that than build your ex a nice home for her.

Also with your business now gone you need to think of your future income as you can give your kids all the money now but what happens later in life when they might need some financial help. You'd be better off getting yourself back in good income terms that way you can help your kids if needed in the longer term.

When deciding on what your going to do just remember doing the nice guy thing doesn't mean she's going to end up coming back to you. You need to ensure you are going to be in the best situation through your decision.

Good Luck with your decision, hope it works out

wigginsmum

lisa_75 wrote:

I have spoken to my husband on the very issue and he says he loves me and the children equally, but if there was a fire in the house he would choose me.

Yup - we had that conversation too but with the opposite result - he'd save his kids, not me his second wife. I struggled with that the first year we were together, but I accept it now.

Scarlett1

Steve you need to toughen up cause at the moment you have her footprints all over you're back

I think that she has wanted out for a while but didnt know how to approach the subject, the fact that she kept text messages on her phone could mean that she wanted you to find out to get it all out in the open, otherwise she would have deleted them straight away.

Surely giving her a chunk of the house is worth more than living with her going out [EMAIL="sh@gging"]sh@gging[/EMAIL] someone else and then coming home and getting in bed with you sorry to be blunt but you're self respect is worth more than any amount of money.

Please start the ball rolling for you're own sake and you're childrens, go and see a solicitor straight away and get legal advice, and do yourself a favour and get the spare blanket and sleep on the sofa for now.

Good luck x

hobo28

lisa_75 wrote:

I have spoken to my husband on the very issue and he says he loves me and the children equally, but if there was a fire in the house he would choose me. Now any woman reading this will know that the love you feel for your children is unique and so very strong that nothing, not even the love for your husband, can even compare.

I thought I knew what love was until I gave birth. As looby said I found it as natural as breathing as soon as they were born. I put my kids and their needs first most of the time, I have yet to meet a man who does this.

I am not saying ALL men feel this way. Of course there are exceptions to the rule as there are also women that leave their kids. I know about 8 single parents closely. In all cases, but one, the father does not see the children. We are not just talking casual relationships here, but a couple of long term marriages. My friend’s father walked out when she was 10, she has never seen him since. The father that does see his child seems him every weekend and is very committed, so there are good absent dads out there. Unfortunately for many children they are just not commonplace enough.

Ha ha, classic! I agree with Ben. He's probably said it for an easy life. Its like the age old question "Do you think I'm fat?"

For me, I wouldn't hesitate it would be the kids.

Your comments on you thought you knew what love was etc. is exactly what i've said loads of times to friends etc.

As for single parents, I know a few single dads who's mother's don't care. You'd be surprised how many of us are out there. Grant you not as many as single mum's but like I say, society pressures and all that. I also wonder how many of those you know if you spoke to the dad's would say that they walked away after their ex made it practically impossible for them to continue a relationship.

hobo28

Scarlett1 wrote:

Steve you need to toughen up cause at the moment you have her footprints all over you're back

I think that she has wanted out for a while but didnt know how to approach the subject, the fact that she kept text messages on her phone could mean that she wanted you to find out to get it all out in the open, otherwise she would have deleted them straight away.

Surely giving her a chunk of the house is worth more than living with her going out [EMAIL="sh@gging"]sh@gging[/EMAIL] someone else and then coming home and getting in bed with you sorry to be blunt but you're self respect is worth more than any amount of money.

Please start the ball rolling for you're own sake and you're childrens, go and see a solicitor straight away and get legal advice, and do yourself a favour and get the spare blanket and sleep on the sofa for now.

Good luck x

Scarlett's right except I'd sleep in the bed, she can have the sofa! She's the one who was unfaithful, the least she can do is have the sofa!!!!

lisa_75

hobo28 wrote:

Ha ha, classic! I agree with Ben. He's probably said it for an easy life. Its like the age old question "Do you think I'm fat?"

I think he was being honest. My husband and I have a good relationship, open communication and there is rarely need for either of us to lie for an easy life. He is not under the thumb, far from it!

I actually told him I thought it was strange he loved me more than the kids, but it did not surprise me. The behaviour of most men with regards to the amount of childcare and housework they take on shows me that men don't care as much as women about children and the home. I have many female friends and our biggest complaint is how little housework and childcare our husbands do. If they really cared about these things as much as women, they would not hesitate to pitch in.

hankc35

You put every single one of my ex girlfriends and my girlfriend in the burning house and I would still rescue my daughter first.

ben500

hankc35 wrote:

You put every single one of my ex girlfriends and my girlfriend in the burning house and I would still rescue my daughter first.

Yeah me too, especially as I don't even know any of them!:rotfl:

hobo28

lisa_75 wrote:

If they really cared about these things as much as women, they would not hesitate to pitch in.

Sorry but still not convinced. Just because we don't clean the house or look after the kids as often as women, doesn't mean that we don't love our kids just as much.

I drive more than my OH. Does that make me the better driver automatically? I'd like to think so too but OH would have a few choice words to say here!