Girlfriend leaving but wants half of house

seven-day-weekend

lisa_75 wrote:

I would rescue my husband over anyone, except for our children. I know that may seem selfish to some, but I need him far more than some random young child.

I would rescue my husband first, every time, over anyone else apart from my son, even before someone else's child. Other people's families are not the ones I love.

If it was a choice between my husband and my (adult) son, I would rescue first whichever one I got to first, but would do my dam**est to rescue both. My love for my son is a different sort of love to the one I have for my husband, but both loves are as strong.

In reply to the people who say men don't care so much about the home because they don't spend hours cleaning it or that they care less about the children because they don't change as many mucky nappies, I think this is bunkum really. Someone has to do these jobs and the other person has to do other important jobs like earning money for the family. No-one can be doing both. If you both work, then surely these responsibilities are shared.

My husband has always done more housework than me. But I've always handled all the financial matters as that is not one of his gifts.

It's called a partnership.

Fill_7

sounds like the best thing to do steve is to try and salvage your relationship with your g/f. sit her down, dont let her go on this weekend away and make her see all the heartache she will be causing to the children and to you both. surely theres still something there between you if ya still share a bed and cuddle on the settee? i know it will be difficult to forget whats happened, but if u still have feelings for her beyond the hate your feeling at mo, then try and get her back. break ups with children involved must be avoided. however, if theres no road back for you both, then i wish u luck. she may destroy your life, but she wont destroy you.

hobo28

Hi Steve

I'd have to agree with Fill_7 that if you can possibly find it in your heart to forgive (not forget) then it might be the best all round.

Trust me from someone who's been there, splitting up causes a whole different set of problems. You will both be forever tied together via your son and can't avoid each other.

lynzpower

I just cannot believe some of the garbage written in this thread.

Maternal instinct especially in a court setting is nothing but sociological construct. Whomever it was who posted earlier, cant remember now, saying that courts look at the needs of the child and then choose which parent would be a better carer, Im sorry, that is so very seldom true.

Fathers get a bloody rough deal and the court service and CAFCASS make a bad situation significantly worse. I have seen some shockingly brief "assessment" by cafcass in my time, laziness doesnt even cover it. Ive seen courts have children placed with the mother while there are allegations AND ADMISSIONS of the mother sexually abusing her children. The whole thing is driven by if you have a womb you are automatically a more competent parent. Which common sense tells anyone is utter tripe. Another reason why I had to get out of the job :rolleyes:

EagerLearner

My ex 'forgave and forgot' and it just made me resentul that he didn't want to address the real issues of why I was unhappy enough to seek comfort in someone else. When I told him, I wanted him to be angry and face up to things needing a big change - instead he just blamed himself, said it was his fault and said he forgave me. He found it easier to do that because he was scared I would leave.

Nothing changed, and I viewed him as weak and fell even more out of love. Children or no children, forgiving only works if both parties still love eachother enough - if OP girlfriend is lusting after someone else, openly seeing them, and wants a break, sadly sounds like it has gone too far already.

hobo28

You can tell those of us who have had dealings with the courts and those who have not.

Once upon a time, I thought the F4J lot were a bunch of loony's. Then I had to go to court and soon learned that whilst I didn't agree with their methods, that they actually had a VERY good point.

CAFCASS, what a waste of space. LOL, don't get me started!!

hobo28

EagerLearner wrote:

My ex 'forgave and forgot' and it just made me resentul that he didn't want to address the real issues of why I was unhappy enough to seek comfort in someone else. When I told him, I wanted him to be angry and face up to things needing a big change - instead he just blamed himself, said it was his fault and said he forgave me. He found it easier to do that because he was scared I would leave.

Nothing changed, and I viewed him as weak and fell even more out of love. Children or no children, forgiving only works if both parties still love eachother enough - if OP girlfriend is lusting after someone else, openly seeing them, and wants a break, sadly sounds like it has gone too far already.

So let me get this straight? You slept with someone else instead of sorting the issues out with him like an adult. He loved and adored you enough to forgive you despite what you did and somehow its HIS fault for being weak!?!?!

Sorry I don't get it.

black-saturn

krisskross wrote:

After reading this thread i have decided there is something wrong with me, and has been for most of my life.
Me and 'im indoors have 4 offspring, 2 sons 2 daughters, now in their 30s and forties.
We loved them , fed, clothed and housed them.
However I never felt they were the be all and end all of my life. I CHOSE my husband, and he has always been so so important in my life. The children also are so very important but I have always known that they would make their own lives, I cannot live my life through them.
We must have done something right because none of them remember just how poor we were, and lordy were we. Many a night my dinner was toast because the food wouldn't stretch to include me. All they remember is a happy childhood.
They all try to speak to us everyday, we know that if we need anything they will drop everything to help us, and vice versa I might add.
i have never considered myself, Mum, a better parent than my husband. He could and did all the things for our children that I did. Except the breast feeding, he couldn't manage that.
I have seen some appalling mothers in my time as I have seen dreadful fathers.
I think Dads make wonderful sole parents if need be, and if more Dads take on the responsibility of child rearing following a relationship breakup then the best of luck to them.

What a martyr and she did it all off of her own back too. No one has ever been so hard done by :rolleyes:

EagerLearner

hobo28 wrote:

So let me get this straight? You slept with someone else instead of sorting the issues out with him like an adult. He loved and adored you enough to forgive you despite what you did and somehow its HIS fault for being weak!?!?!

Sorry I don't get it.

No, thanks for jumping to conclusions but I did not sleep with anyone else. I had already had several deep conversations with my ex and he always buried his head in the sand pretending we were' fine' even though by that point we had different lives and interests. We were not in love anymore, he was just scared to accept responsibility, start accepting all his debts, and move on, so I did it for him. I am not saying it was easy, but we knew it wasn't working.

A few months later after I left, I met someone and have been with him for 5 years - married for 2 of those. When it works, it works. When it doesn't, it doesn't, that's all.

Scarlett1

museumsteve wrote:

I'm still around, just dont get a lot of time to get on the net with work at the moment.
Everything aside I do want to get her out but what can I do. I can physically kick her out, I dont want any scenes with the kids (or for my own sanity) and she refuses to move til we're sorted with the mortgage and she is in a position to move on.
If I leave I'll be left with nothing and wont be able to afford to start again.
Due to remortgaging for business reasons we only have approx £80k in equity so if we split 50/50 £40k (max) wont get me back into a house with a mortgage I can afford on my own. I dont want a pokey flat cos I want somewhere for the boys to come and stay whenever they want, which is why I would like to stay here if possible.
L isn't expecting a cheque for the equity, which is helpful, but still wont speed up the process of her moving on.
The biggest problem is that while she is here we have to live together and I dont want to feel uncomfortable in my own home and whilst I know she is in the wrong I dont want her to feel uncomfortable either.
Maybe it's an odd situation, I'm probably handling it all wrong but I dont see any options at the moment.
She is away this weekend (with her bloke) so maybe I'll slap myself round the face and get my butt in gear and start making plans and rumaging through options.

I appreciate the replies and whilst this may start going off topic cos it isn;t entirely financially relevant, but it's nice to be able to post on a totally neutral forum and hear people's opinions.

Hopefully one day I'll be posting 'I'm sorted and everyone is happy'..who knows

Steve you have to strengthen that spine

L isnt going to go anywhere as long as she has it comfortable where she is, you have to give her some pressure so she agrees to start the ball rolling. I know you want to keep the situation as calm as possible in front of the children, but by doing this you are putting up with all that she is throwing at you.

You either have to

1) move out
2) get her out
3) put the house on the market

I know you dont want a grotty flat but flats dont have to be like that, you could sell the house and move on forward with you're life with you're share of the equity and use that as a deposit on a 2 bedroom flat.

You really need to get to a solicitor cause be the looks of it you arent going to have an easy time of it, and burying you're head in the sand is only prolonging the agony for you cause she has already moved on