Not very amicable split

pollyanna24

JodyBPM wrote: »

Sorry, that's just funny!

I'm not controlling, I've just got more oomph and more drive!

And DH and I discuss everything, as it happens I actually wanted to be a SAHM after DS was born, but DH was worried about being the main (only) earner and whether we would survive financially, so I went back P/T. His concerns were valid, we discussed it, we came to a fair compromise. We did discuss DH going part time, but his job isn't as flexible as mine, and the way we settled on worked out best financially and for the family. DH is happy working F/T (specially now the little ones are not so little, and are FAR more demanding )

And I feel like a fully fledged MSE member now that I've had someone dragging up an old unrelated post and making a spiteful little dig

I would like a fair compromise. If I can afford to pay my mortgage and bills by working three days a week, then we should be able to come to some compromise. If he worked three days a week, he should be able to pay HALF of the mortgage.

And your other half is happy in the situaiton where he works full time, I am not.

mrcow

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Sorry, I haven't read all the posts since I left work last night, but there seems to be a varied lot in there.

I do get everyone's points about why shouldn't I work full time, why should he? Argue argue etc.

But for my sanity, I feel I can't work full time once this new child comes along. And that I feel is quite important.

Another factor is that we are not actually "together" as a couple. He is in the spare room, he does his own thing and leaves me to do my own at the weekend. He gets his time off, I don't!!!

They say stay at home parents have the hardest job, but I work full time, and then come straight home and do his job! His job really is just a full time normal job to him.

The fact that we are not together does make me resent him, yes. I resent the time he has during the week to take her to do toddler activities, yes. That is unfair of me I know, but I can't help how I feel. I resent the fact that he just lets me do everything at the weekend and evenings and he gets his time off. My life is work, baby, sleep. I don't mind this in itself, but I do resent him as his is baby, booze time, baby, booze time.

This is really weird though - maybe because you're angry it's coming across wrong?.......but you're talking about looking after your child as if it's some sort of job? It really isn't. Yes, somebody has to do it, but you're essentially saying "I don't get time off" "I do everything at weekends" etc......you're a Mum. It's what we do. If you want to go out at the weekend with your daughter for a break, it doesn't sound like anyone is stopping you.

You daughter is 18 months old. She does not need to go to any "toddler activities" or "soft play" or anything else of the sort. All she needs is attention and encouragement to learn to play nicely, speak clearly and learn to enjoy things like painting, singing, dancing, imaginary play etc. in a safe and HAPPY environment. You seem to be resenting your partner for what you think he should be doing with her. But I think your view on what he should be doing sounds slightly skewed.

The problem is, you're never going to fix all this whilst all you do it criticise. Why you'd think any man would want to live with someone who he wasn't "with" is slightly bizarre though. You want to split, but want him to get a job and carry on paying the mortgage and still live under the same roof to make things easier for you? How is that going to work when he gets a girlfriend and she's staying over?

pollyanna24

JodyBPM wrote: »

I'm just going to say that I have actually read back on (many) other posts from the OP about this situation, and there are a few things that jump out to me that are not necessarily in this thread, but have been pointed out before

OP didn't want to go back to work
OP resents her DP because he gets to stay at home
OP's DP HAS been looking for a part time job, but with no success (he works in the construction industry which is to be fair, pretty dead at the moment)
OP does earn more than her DP
OP has issues with the fact that the other SAHPs that her DP hangs around with are female
OP previously didn't seem to have any issues with the standard of care her DP was providing to her DD
OP has previously said that her DH is a better housekeeper than herself (this was in the early days of him being a SAHD, so it may have gone downhill!)

It puts a very different slant on it all.

I'm not trying to get at OP. Honestly, I do get that she wants to be at home with her DD, and it must be horrible to have to leave her to go to work each day. But, sometimes, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

But I can see it from her DP's point of view, the man that is being resented day in day out despite doing a very important job of looking after his DD and keeping the house. The man who gets grief for socialising with other SAHPs, and the man who is probably feeling absolutely lousy about himself, because he's trying to get a job, and who's DP resents him for not getting one despite his best efforts. I'm not suprised he's taken to going out when she comes home, if all he gets is guilt and grief.

I really think the two of them need to talk, and try and sort this out. But until OP accepts that she doesn't have an automatic right to be a SAHM or P/T worker just because she happens to be female, then they are just going to keep going round in circles:( Her priority should be to do whatever it takes to give the FAMILY the best standard of living that she can, it's not just about what SHE wants.

Thanks for your comments.

It has changed quite a bit since the beginning.

I don't mention anything about resenting him. We get on, we chat. He knows in the background that I am still unhappy about the situation, but there is no point in dragging it up again. I get in, I cook dinner, we chat about stuff, he goes out.

He has gotten very slack in the housekeeping! Guess it's harder to keep a toddler amused, but I still think it's a bit unfair that I now cook, do the laundry, fill and empty the dishwasher regularly. He does hoover, clean the bathroom still.

I have been told by other mothers that he doesn't enjoy being a sahd, so why can't he tell me that?

He never really looked for a job at all. Not sure if I did put that on previous threads, but nope, apart from scanning the internet now and again, he never bothered doing anything.

Again, like I said, we get on, but we are not together. And I do everything when I am at home. And I do resent that. In fact, when I said to one of the mothers he hangs round with, she was quite surprised and said that you can't just stop looking after your children cos your other half comes in, it doesn't work like that. And I agree.

pollyanna24

mrcow wrote: »

This is really weird though - maybe because you're angry it's coming across wrong?.......but you're talking about looking after your child as if it's some sort of job? It really isn't. Yes, somebody has to do it, but you're essentially saying "I don't get time off" "I do everything at weekends" etc......you're a Mum. It's what we do. If you want to go out at the weekend with your daughter for a break, it doesn't sound like anyone is stopping you.

You daughter is 18 months old. She does not need to go to any "toddler activities" or "soft play" or anything else of the sort. All she needs is attention and encouragement to learn to play nicely, speak clearly and learn to enjoy things like painting, singing, dancing, imaginary play etc. in a safe and HAPPY environment. You seem to be resenting your partner for what you think he should be doing with her. But I think your view on what he should be doing sounds slightly skewed.

The problem is, you're never going to fix all this whilst all you do it criticise. Why you'd think any man would want to live with someone who he wasn't "with" is slightly bizarre though. You want to split, but want him to get a job and carry on paying the mortgage and still live under the same roof to make things easier for you? How is that going to work when he gets a girlfriend and she's staying over?

The only reason I talk about about it being a job is because that is the way he treats me. I had a feeling that would get brought up at some point. I have no problem looking after 24/7, but I do resent the fact that he doesn't seem to think the same way.

We are not "together" through his choice. I spent months and months hanging around waiting for him, but it has become clear that he doesn't really want me. I would still stay with him, but again, for my sanity, I need to start moving on.

The only reason I suggested we both stay in the house is because it seems the best financially until we are out of this fixed rate and because I was trying to be fair to both of us with the children.

mrcow

pollyanna24 wrote: »

The only reason I talk about about it being a job is because that is the way he treats me. I had a feeling that would get brought up at some point. I have no problem looking after 24/7, but I do resent the fact that he doesn't seem to think the same way.

We are not "together" through his choice. I spent months and months hanging around waiting for him, but it has become clear that he doesn't really want me. I would still stay with him, but again, for my sanity, I need to start moving on.

The only reason I suggested we both stay in the house is because it seems the best financially until we are out of this fixed rate and because I was trying to be fair to both of us with the children.

Seriously - I think you're hanging on because you don't want to take the first step.

A redemption period on a mortgage is no real reason to stay together. Seriously - you need to speak with a solicitor - get a full and personal legal opinion. I know it's a big step, but it's crucial.

Do you really think your relationship is over? Or do you think that there still may be something left to save?

the_cat

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Another factor is that we are not actually "together" as a couple. He is in the spare room, he does his own thing and leaves me to do my own at the weekend.

OK, how can you not be 'together' as a couple? You are pregnant!!

Almo

Soubrette wrote: »

This is off topic so apologies to the OP but this quote really made my blood boil



Imagine swapping genders for the people mentioned in the article with phrases such as 'played the housewife' ''She lives in a council house on benefits. I'm speechless that the courts feel this is a better environment for my children to be raised in than living with a parent who has a strong work ethic and a lovely home.'

What a sexist and anti-male article :mad:

Sou

Haven't got to the end of the thread yet but had to post when I saw this. I wish I could thank you more than once! Equality works both ways, or it should at least. The phrase 'playing the househusband' is a disgusting thing to say.

neneromanova

How about renting out your house to cover the mortgage and you go stay at your mums or something? That means the mortgage gets paid for even if you don't decide to go back to work. How much longer is the fixed mortgage for?

neneromanova

the_cat wrote: »

OK, how can you not be 'together' as a couple? You are pregnant!!

OP's partner doesn't want the child. He says she needs to get it aborted. Plus he sleeps in the spare room.

pollyanna24

the_cat wrote: »

OK, how can you not be 'together' as a couple? You are pregnant!!

Haha, indeed I did. Back in March, was responding to his "booty calls" as I thought it meant he wanted him. Muggins here, yes, what can I say?