Not very amicable split

pollyanna24

neneromanova wrote: »

Is his name on the mortgage or property at all?

Yep, said there further up (sorry, appreciate this thread is getting longer and longer!).

I said that he is on the mortgage, but doesn't pay for it, fair enough, he is looking after little one.

I wish to stay in the house, pay the mortgage, keep his name on the mortgage, and when we sell, he get half the money. I feel this is fair as if he rents, it is like dead money and feel he is still entitled to money from the house.

I don't want to sell the house now as we are locked into a fixed rate, but if he wants this, then so be it.

RAS

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Ps, the "advice" I sought was from CAB who said I would get custody as "mother."

i woudl recommend that you talk to a proper lawyer, even if only a quick half hour consultation with a good divorce lawyer. i relasie you are not divorcing but the situation re children and house are very similar.

pollyanna24

I am about to leave work now, so won't be able to reply, but I think what I am going to suggest to bf is that we both stay in house, both have the children half the time and both work half the time.

Surely that's fairest?

jackieglasgow

It is the fairest but only if he is willing to share the work.

JodyBPM

I think this is a really sad situation, and I really hope that you can patch it all up, but it seems to me that it has all gone too far:( I don't think people should be playing a "maths" game to try and work out how OP can "win" more hours than her DP. It's about what is best for the child, and only that.

OP, you say that weekends and evenings your DP isn't interested in DD. This makes me wonder whether he would actually go for custody at all? Because if he did, he would obviously have to be the one to get her up in the morning, put her to bed at night, deal with night time wakeups and have her (some) weekends.

Re the money side, basically your DP would be a single dad, and would get benefits accordingly. You would pay 15% of your income (for 1 child) to him in maintenance. That is the situation that absent parents find themselves in, regardless of gender. (I know I'm ignoring the issue of the unborn child, but obviously there's a lot of variables there, and frankly I don't have a clue where to start on that.)

The whole issue is desperately sad, and I would try to urge you to make the relationship work if you can. But you need to stop resenting him for being the main caregiver, and make peace with your lot of being a f/t working mum, otherwise I don't think there is any chance of this relationship working. What is more important to you - keeping your family together, or being able to work p/t?

Many mothers, both single or with a partner work f/t. I'm sure many of them would choose not to, but sometimes its just a necessity in modern life.

loftus

pinkshoes wrote: »

Because custody normally goes to the parent who has spent the most time looking after the child, which in this case is the father...

tigtag02 wrote: »

do you have any 'case evidence' to support this?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1024304/Why-more-women-losing-custody-battles-children.html

Soubrette

loftus wrote: »

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1024304/Why-more-women-losing-custody-battles-children.html

This is off topic so apologies to the OP but this quote really made my blood boil

To add insult to injury, the judge ordered Karen to pay maintenance to her former husband.

Imagine swapping genders for the people mentioned in the article with phrases such as 'played the housewife' ''She lives in a council house on benefits. I'm speechless that the courts feel this is a better environment for my children to be raised in than living with a parent who has a strong work ethic and a lovely home.'

What a sexist and anti-male article :mad:

Sou

Raini

I don't think it's fair to talk about how it would be if it was the mother at home. To me this doesn't sound like a 'normal' stay at home parent. He doesn't take her to playgroups because he feels uncomfortable and is not doing what appears to be the right thing for his daughter (don't really want to get into the issue of whether playgroups are better!). When my partner and I have kids we plan for me to work part time and him to continue to work full time but if he ever feels like he is missing out too much I'll do whatever I can (even work nights) to enable him to work fewer hours. That's what a relationship is - compromise. OP only you know if your relationship is savable and if, eventually, you OH will compromise but if not you have to do the best for you and your kids. Good Luck

ETA: Sou this isn't aimed at your post, we were posting at the same time! Didn't read that article so can't comment.

JodyBPM

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I am about to leave work now, so won't be able to reply, but I think what I am going to suggest to bf is that we both stay in house, both have the children half the time and both work half the time.

Surely that's fairest?

I'm not sure that this would work on many levels - how do you separate finances, how do you have the children half the time when you all live together, and how are you going to manage living together but not being together, what happens if he doesn't find a p/t job?

This seems a little to me like you just deciding to work part-time, trying to force him to work part-time, and carrying on as before, ie getting what YOU want (p/t working). What benefit is there to him in this agreement? None that I can see!

If you are going to split up, I think you need to do it properly, and live in separate houses, and have separate finances.

Deep down, though, I think if you just dropped the notion of not working full time or having the years mat leave, you might have a chance of working this relationship out.

Raini

JodyBPM wrote: »

Deep down, though, I think if you just dropped the notion of not working full time or having the years mat leave, you might have a chance of working this relationship out.

Why should she have to work full time? Even if that was the plan from the beginning of their relationship she's done it for a year and she feel that she is missing too much of her children! She is not demanding not to work at all but to have a balance between them! And I would say this whether it was the mom or the dad, to me that's irrelevant.