Not very amicable split

loftus

Just to back up JodyBPM a little.

The demography of this forum is heavily slanted towards women. That's just the way it is but it does colour the reactions to some posts I'm afraid. Not by all but by some who sem to believe it is impossible for a woman to be wrong.
I can recall several examples of men posting about divorce or custody issues when it hasn't taken long for comments such as "well we only have your side of the story" to appear.
Now this is understandable because we all come to these forums with our views coloured by our own lives and experiences and it doesn't mean that the advice given is bad or wrong.
There are a lot of men who behave appallingly in their relationships and deserve everything they get - but not all men fall into this category.
We are always getting just one side of story and there must be a temptation for anyone to paint themselves in the best possible light and, in contrast, paint others in a poor one. I am not saying this has happened here and I really don't think the OP has anything to fear when it comes to her partner being awarded full custody of her daughter, as I have said previously.
Anyway, my flameproof suit is back from the cleaners.....

esmy

Samhuzz, if he is named as father on the birth certificate he has the same rights as Mum, married or not.

JodyBPM

But, and I totally accept this, my comments maybe out of order (however much I believe in them) because primarily this is a SUPPORT forum, not a DEBATE forum.
OP needed support, and all I have been doing is debating the issue. She wasn't asking for a debate, she was asking for support...

If I wasn't prepared to support her, I probably shouldn't have replied...
(That doesn't mean I don't stand by my previous views, but this isnt the time/place.)

pollyanna24

[quote=[Deleted User];33009279]Thats what blokes are expected to do if its the other way around !!!!!!!!!!

Carer stays home with kids and other person moves out. Apparently its ok as long as thats the bloke...:mad::mad::mad:[/QUOTE]

Um, no apparently, it's only 15% of wages that I would need to pay.

But the whole "if it was the other way round" has been dragged up quite a few times in this thread. It's not as clean cut as that which you would know if you had read the whole thing.

pollyanna24

Phew! Have just read through the last lot of posts.

I really do appreciate everybody's comments on here, including the ones that urge me to see it from my oh's point of view.

I have to do what is best for me and my children. I have to ignore the fact that it may be unfair that as a women, I will have the "upper hand," I just want to do what is fair.

I don't know if our relationship has a chance of surviving. I have spoken to a couple of women about our situation and they have told me that they went through extreme troubles after their children were born.

I think it is exacerbated and made worse by the fact that I had to go back to work. Yes, this may have been me resenting the "fun" he has when he goes out. But I don't think he would have felt the same way if it was me going out as I would be just doing what normal mums do. I feel that what I spent my teens and early 20s thinking I would do as a mum has been taken away from me. He obv doesn't think that as I'm sure he never envisaged being a sahd in his teens!

I don't think there is a "win-win" situation. I'm not trying to take anything away from him.

I am keeping this baby inside of me and noone can change my mind about that.

So the situation will be that at the end of October, I will give up work and have my second child, and therefore be at home all the time while I am on maternity leave. This may be unfair as I have the advantage as the woman, but they are the facts.

If he still refuses to get a job, or move out, then fine, that is his perogative. I don't want to see him out in the streets.

But I have to stand my ground. If I am on maternity leave, I can only afford what I would be paying if I was only paying for myself and my children (as this is my plan not including him), I won't be able to afford his pin money, car, phone, etc. If I had all the money in the world, I would buy us both a house and pay for everything, so neither of us had to work, but I can't, so there is no point thinking like that.

I have spoken to my boss about working three days after maternity. He has pretty much agreed to it. Again, I can afford MY bills (not OUR bills) on doing this.

I don't think I will take my daughter and go to my mums, as that isn't fair on lo. She loves her dada and I am glad she does. I'm not happy with some of the things he does, and the way he pushes me out and doesn't tell me what she does in the day, but I don't doubt that he looks after her well while I am at work.

The whole saga of "If it was the other way round," can't apply here, as I am pregnant, and not getting rid. So I have to assume that I am going to sole carer for both children when the second one comes. It would be silly to assume that he would get the older one and I get the younger one. I can't help that the law is unfair and biased towards women (as it is, even if people try to say it isn't), but that is the situation I am in.

That's why I have said that he can even stay in the house. We are still friends (sort of), but I can't subsidise him any more. Lots of sahp have part time jobs, he doesn't really have an excuse for that.

I think him moving out is the best option as the only way we can get a break on our mortgage is when I go on maternity, and I can't work then, so it really is the best option. I don't even want it to be permanent, I am still the sad little woman who thinks that a break might do us the world of good, us both get jobs working 3 days a week and do everything equally between us and that it might work.

lynzpower

That sounds like a good plan polly, especially keeping an open mind as to whether the relationship has a future.Given what he has said about the second pregnancy, I think that is very brave of you and Im not sure I could be that brave, so well done to you

Wishing you all the best, let us know how you go on with these difficult conversations
xxxx

suited-aces

Lot of hypocrites in this thread, and you all know it.

Glitzkiss

JodyBPM wrote: »

Well I apologise wholeheartedly if I have offended anyone. Honestly, all I have been trying to do is put across the other point of view, and defend the absent person, because I felt that accusations of abuse and non contribution were unfair and unfounded, and wouldn't have been raised if the genders were reversed.

Reflecting on it further, I will actually apologise to the OP, because I think that I've been playing Devil's Advocate a little, and as its on an forum, its very easy to forget that its someone's life that we are talking about, and in this case, someone who is clearly distressed, so that was insensitive, and I apologise. But I do urge you to look at it from your DP's point of view too (and him, yours) because that will make it much easier to resolve things amicably.

However, I still maintain, that the DP has equal rights to be part of the decision about the future in terms of the children and the family possessions and that the goal here should be what is best for the CHILD/REN, not best for the OP. They may be the same, but they may not:( Sadly I think that one of other of the parents is going to end up heartbroken, whatever the outcome of this, unless they manage to make a go of it:(

OP, as I have said many times throughout this thread, I wish you luck, and I hope that a happy solution can be reached for you and all of your family.

I understand your devil's advocate position but from nearly every post of yours I've read I feel you've failed to comprehend the OP is holding down a full time job at work and a full time job at home.

How many full time SAHMs do you know who clock off after 5/6pm Monday to Friday leaving the OH to get on with things? I'd like to think most share things equally with their OH

pollyanna24

Glitzkiss wrote: »

I understand your devil's advocate position but from nearly every post of yours I've read I feel you've failed to comprehend the OP is holding down a full time job at work and a full time job at home.

How many full time SAHMs do you know who clock off after 5/6pm Monday to Friday leaving the OH to get on with things? I'd like to think most share things equally with their OH

Again, I thank everyone for their comments.

There hasn't been any improvement, except that oh has actually been to work in the last few days. He does get very sporadic work from the company he was made redundant from.

So the last few days have been tough on me (I do appreciate that him being at home makes things a bit easier for me - I would just like to be at home a bit more), as I have had to pack a bag for daughter, and cart her off to a babysitter before I go to work and pick her up again in the evenings.

Last night I found hard as I also brought in the washing, bins, cleaned up the kitchen etc. all on top of a stinking cold (think it is the cold that is making it all feel hard though, would be alright without it).

We aren't really talking. Chat about general stuff. I seem to be past the bitter, spiteful, snide comment stage whereas I think he is still at it as he does appear to find it difficult to be pleasant to me.