Not very amicable split

galvanizersbaby

JodyBPM wrote: »

That's exactly the choice youhave to make isn't it - go it alone and work three days a week, or do it as a partnership and work five. Which is more important to you, your relationship or working part time hours, that's the crux of the matter.

I'm not sure this part is just OP's choice to be in the partnership? - no matter how much she would like his to be the case the other party concerned would have to want this too for it to work and be a partnership

I accept that the relationship is pretty much damaged beyond repair now, and why you feel like this when the relationship has fallen apart. But be honest, it was your resentment of him for being the main caregiver and your inability to accept that you had to work full time that caused a lot of the damage in the first place. One week after you went back to work you were posting threads complaining about the situation, and its gone downhill from there...

That's your assumption but maybe only OP and the father of her child/ren can actually answer that

galvanizersbaby

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I don't think that in the long term or forever that OP should make all the compromises or sacrifices, but if you read previous threads, the OPs DP has looked for work, and is currently unable to find any due to the financial climate and the fact that the construction trade is fairly depressed. Therefore, at the moment, as the only wage earner, and the only one likely to get work in the short term, I think she should accept that she has to take financial responsibility for the family. When the situation changes, and her DP has found work, then it will be time to discuss her going P/T.

Obviously if OP and her DP split up, its up to her what hours she works, as long as she is able to maintain a decent standard of living for her family, and pay her expenses.

Maybe it was a long time ago when I put he was looking for work, or maybe I have forgotten due to baby brain, but he has not looked for work pretty much since he was made redundant. He doesn't want to do any kind of construction work any more, so that's not even going happen if they suddenly starting building houses again.

We are not a "family." We just all happen to live in the same house, so why should I take full responsibility.

Like I said, we are friends, we are just not a couple. It's a strange set-up at the moment.

What do you believe that he would like/want from you OP for the future? - do you think he would like for you to be a couple again and a family?

mummy_Jay

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I can afford to work three days and pay the mortgage. Just don't see why I should subsidise him if we are not together. I will help him budget and with whatever else he needs.

I think that is a fair compromise (as we are not together). For people to suggest that I should just suck it up and lump it and carry on working full time when I can afford to do it on 3 days a week is ridiculous. Effectively, I am only working the extra 2 days for his bits and pieces, i.e. his car, phone bill, his food, his "pin" money.

You wouldn't pay for a friend staying with you to have a car, phone or pin money. As you rightly say your not together so why are you still paying for these. Separate you finances.

But please also watch your stress levels, really think you need to talk to your mum and get some emotional support ready, as he's not going to like being made finacially independant.

the_cat

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Haha, indeed I did. Back in March, was responding to his "booty calls" as I thought it meant he wanted him. Muggins here, yes, what can I say?

Thanks for the explanation.... you may have just summed it up with that freudian slip!!!!

Seriously though, from what you are saying, you have already split up in everything but address?
If there is a future with compromise on both sides, then like you said, it needs sorting asap. If you genuinely feel it is past that, then the kindest thing to your child and the new baby is not to prolong the agony any more than necessary and just get on with the separation

Bubby

JodyBPM wrote: »

However I sadly think the relationship is too damaged now, and I suspect that his self esteem is currently at rock bottom.

I had to laugh at this, the op is currently pregnant, working full time (when she wants to be at home) then coming home to abuse (verbal) hmmmmmmm I would imagine however low her [STRIKE]lazy ex[/STRIKE] ex partner feels it couldn't be as low as her.

Op do what is right for you and your children, this man doesn't make you happy and life is far too short to be unhappy

newcook

I think if I was OP I would move all bills to a separate account and close the joint account. It seems the OP’s ex wont even apply for benefits for himself and would rather the OP pay for everything. If he wants money he can either go and earn it or go to the benefits office.

I would also let nan look after DD a couple of days per week – whether OP’s ex gets a job or not. And not so that OP gets extra ‘hours’ on her side but so that nan can take DD to places OP wants DD to go to which ex wont take her to! This will also give ex days to work p/t to earn the money he would no longer be getting from OP.

There is no way I would stay with a man who didn’t want to be with me, who called me lazy and who openly states that he wants nothing to do with the unborn child!

With regards to the house – I would sell it and split the profits and be done with it. Otherwise its just another thing that is being fought over costing more money. If it did go to court he would probably get legal aid where as OP probably wouldn’t.

[Deleted User]

I think once again, the OP is kindof being criticised, based on people's assumptions and not necessarily on what she has said. Someone even said that it was silly of her to keep the baby she is expecting lol.

I've been in a relationship with my ex, we did both work initially.., but he did give up work, WAS depressed (but its sort of a state of life with him..., he sets himself up to fail regardless of help being given to stop this).., but even tho he was at home all day he'd sit in front of the TV non stop and I'd work roughly 12 hours, come home and start the housework. It went on for years.., and he didn't see anything wrong in it no matter what I said. I too got pregnant.., after the relationship had broken down but we were still living in the same house but seperately, when for one wild moment I was persuaded we could make a go of it.., and two days later (this happened over and over, promises to change, two days later it was back to status quo).., things back to normal. So I was pregnant too. He was a much wanted child so I did carry on with the pregnency (I feel 'inconvenience is not reason enough to terminate a pregnancy).

So yes, we sometimes bumble along, making mistakes along the way. That does NOT mean the OP's stance is not valid. It is soul destroying living in a relationship like this. I was in it for 10 years and by the end of it was totally emotionally dead because I had tried very hard on anything I could think of to make it work.., including hardly sleeping, working long hours, up all night with my son and the afforementioned housework which was never done for me. There just are some coasters in life.

It was a very difficult year after we split up because i had no energy left but things did improve in the end. I was on my own for 2 years.., and I have to be honest it was a lot easier financially (he spent whatever he could find without a thought of bills) , emotionally and mentally once he was gone, even tho he was still fairly manipulative.

Now the man who said he didn't want to be a part time father and would do anything to not be.., doesn't seem to even want to see his son. Not because I've made it hard.

So please could this forum be used to help posters.., rather than being fairly judgmental and picking apart every little word they say.., its almost as if some people come on here with their 'judgemental' cap on and look until they find a post that fits what they expect to find. Obviously people are going to have different opinions because we all have different experiences and thank god for that.., but sometimes this forum seems to be a bit more negative than is helpful.

Glitzkiss

pollyanna24 wrote: »

He thinks he will get full custody as he is "primary carer." Now that is a big word for him, so someone must have told him it. Obv talking to other people.

He really does think the answer is for me to work and pay for everything. He suggested this morning that I move to my mums and he stay in the house and still pay for everything. He seems adamant not to get work or benefits of any kind, just wants me to pay for it all... cos this is what would happen if it was the other way round!

I read this thread at lunchtime and the bit in bold above has been bugging me ever since. As has this from post 48

pollyanna24 wrote: »

And like I said before, he doesn't want anything to do with her or me the second I get in, and is completely off doing his own thing as the weekend, presumably because his work is done... cos of course, I've been off having my hair and nails done all week!

I know this is not what you want at all and I suspect your OH has no comprehension of what this would actually entail. If you moved out of the house and into your mums he would be responsible for the children Monday to Friday 24 hrs a day and you would see them at the weekends. It would certainly curtail his social life as you're hardly going to turn up after work to babysit while he goes down the pub and enjoys himself. Is that what he really thought would happen? And you're definitely not going to cook a meal for him or do his laundry etc. In fact he's going to have to do that not just for himself but for his children too. tbh, I don't think he's thought any of this through at all. Or even realised there will be a reduced income as you cannot support two households on one wage (unless benefits are more generous than I ever imagined but that's for another thread)

I think he has to start meeting you halfway. After all, you compromised in the first place when he was made redundant.

loftus

All other issues aside, the very, very best your BF could hope for is some form of shared residency.
You'll have a new born and no judge is going to

a) separate you from a new baby

or

b) separate siblings

Without some very good reason which doesn't seem to exist here.

Bubby

loftus wrote: »

All other issues aside, the very, very best your BF could hope for is some form of shared residency.
You'll have a new born and no judge is going to

a) separate you from a new baby

or

b) separate siblings

Without some very good reason which doesn't seem to exist here.

This is something that I would be amazed at, if you went before a judge then you can explain that it was always your intention to stay at home after the 2nd plus if you are breastfeeding they would not remove a baby from its mother.

This man sounds a bit like poison to me, he is draining you of both money and happiness, he is not a sahd that loves spending time with his children he is just lazy! I would seek some legal advice on a lunchbreak (most offer a free half an hour) to see where you stand with the children and the house. Once you know all of that, re-direct your pay, cancel your overdraft on the joint account (only needs one of you to do this) so that he cannot spend what you don't have. Then once everything is in place so that he doesn't ruin you financially (which I suspect he would do if his beer money goes) then tell him you want a trial seperation and work out a schedule for him to see the children.

I hope you have some good friends and family to turn to for support