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Not very amicable split
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I agree with you too, but seeing it from the father's point of view, he is currently DDs full time carer, and wishes to continue to be if they split up. That seems reasonable on the face of it. I'm not really seeing where he is using her, he just wants to continue to provide the care for her, as he has been doing.
I think gender and traditional roles are clouding peoples judgement here. Honestly, what do you think the responses would be if a SAHM came on here and said that her f/t working DH was going to split up with her, start working p/t and take her child away from her? And that it was unreasonable that she expected her partner to pitch in with the housework and childcare when he got home from work.And that he was trying to FORCE her to get a job, despite being able to manage fine on his full time salary, just because he fancied working P/T?
Have you thought as to why from what OP has posted (and in the past) that he wishes to remain DD's full time carer though?
I would like to think that he has his DD's best interests at heart but being the PWC entitles him to benefits once single (that is if OP is ever able to extract herself from a relationship with him) - benefits that he may not be entitled to if he was not DD's main carer.
When you keep using the term 'partner' I think you have to bear in mind that they are not a couple and not a partnership at the moment - from what OP says this is at his instigation.
I suspect he would be happy to have OP and his DD to live in this environment indefinately without a care for OP's happiness.
Any partner worth their sort would have put effort in to repairing the relationship and been prepared to work together for future happiness.
I don't believe he cares for OP at all - I believe he cares about himself and avoiding anything that effects his cushty set up.0 -
galvanizersbaby wrote: »Have you thought as to why from what OP has posted (and in the past) that he wishes to remain DD's full time carer though?
I would like to think that he has his DD's best interests at heart but being the PWC entitles him to benefits once single (that is if OP is ever able to extract herself from a relationship with him) - benefits that he may not be entitled to if he was not DD's main carer.
When you keep using the term 'partner' I think you have to bear in mind that they are not a couple and not a partnership at the moment - from what OP says this is at his instigation.
I suspect he would be happy to have OP and his DD to live in this environment indefinately without a care for OP's happiness.
Any partner worth their sort would have put effort in to repairing the relationship and been prepared to work together for future happiness.
I don't believe he cares for OP at all - I believe he cares about himself and avoiding anything that effects his cushty set up.
I understand what you are saying. And indeed, if he is only seeing his DD as a meal ticket, then of course that is wrong. But so far, I'm not sure that we have any evidence to back that up. We have only the OPs side of the story.
Indeed, her suggestion that she cuts down her hours and stays in the house with (ex)DP and shares care and finances (forcing (ex)DP to work, makes me think that she is seeing the child/ren as a meal ticket to cutting down her working hours. And despite her DP not having a paying job, she is planning on takoing a full years maternity. Many mothers both single and in relationships work F/T to ensure the financial stability of the family, and indeed often go back to work after a couple of months maternity. But OP is refusing to accept this as a solution.0 -
I understand what you are saying. And indeed, if he is only seeing his DD as a meal ticket, then of course that is wrong. But so far, I'm not sure that we have any evidence to back that up. We have only the OPs side of the story.
Indeed, her suggestion that she cuts down her hours and stays in the house with (ex)DP and shares care and finances (forcing (ex)DP to work, makes me think that she is seeing the child/ren as a meal ticket to cutting down her working hours. And despite her DP not having a paying job, she is planning on takoing a full years maternity. Many mothers both single and in relationships work F/T to ensure the financial stability of the family, and indeed often go back to work after a couple of months maternity. But OP is refusing to accept this as a solution.[/QUOTE]
OP says that she can afford to take a years maternity leave by taking a mortgage payment break though doesn't she?
As a full time working mother of 2 myself I am fully aware that many mothers have to work full time and go back to work after a couple of months maternity out of necessity - it is not really like that for OP is it
I am not sure why you think it should be the OP who should make all the compromise/sacrifices and work full time (returning to work quickly after maternity leave though I might add this isn't always possible) - why would any father not want to help his family? - he is not incapable of getting paid employment and from what OP has said he is not going to take any responsibility for the second child.
I guess we just have different points of view on this.
At the end of the day OP is pretty much single now - one less adult mouth to feed may be the difference between her working fulltime and being able to cut her hours to spend more time with her children.0 -
At the end of the day OP is pretty much single now - one less adult mouth to feed may be the difference between her working fulltime and being able to cut her hours to spend more time with her children.
Must admit this is a big part of it too. He has no concern for money at all, just spends as he sees fit. I have strict budgets in place, but they always go to pot. He has no clue what is in each account or what the mortgage costs, or what benefits we get etc.
I can afford to work three days and pay the mortgage. Just don't see why I should subsidise him if we are not together. I will help him budget and with whatever else he needs.
I would work 3 days and look after children 4 days.
I think that is a fair compromise (as we are not together). For people to suggest that I should just suck it up and lump it and carry on working full time when I can afford to do it on 3 days a week is ridiculous. Effectively, I am only working the extra 2 days for his bits and pieces, i.e. his car, phone bill, his food, his "pin" money.
Why can't I use those two days to spend with my children if I can afford my bills.
He wouldn't be able to afford to keep the house which is why I suggested I keep it. It would be cheaper for him to rent elsewhere. I'm not saying he couldn't have the kids at all. I will not use them as a bartering tool.
From what people on here are saying, he should stay in the house and live off me and benefits, when I can do it by myself. How is that logical?
Most of me thinks life is too short and there is only a short amount of time my children will be young.Pink Sproglettes born 2008 and 2010
Mortgages (End 2017) - £180,235.03
(End 2021) - £131,215.25 DID IT!!!
(End 2022) - Target £116,213.810 -
Most of me thinks life is too short and there is only a short amount of time my children will be young
And this is 100% correct.:beer: Well aint funny how its the little things in life that mean the most? Not where you live, the car you drive or the price tag on your clothes.
Theres no dollar sign on piece of mind
This Ive come to know...
So if you agree have a drink with me, raise your glasses for a toast :beer:0 -
OP says that she can afford to take a years maternity leave by taking a mortgage payment break though doesn't she?
As a full time working mother of 2 myself I am fully aware that many mothers have to work full time and go back to work after a couple of months maternity out of necessity - it is not really like that for OP is it
I am not sure why you think it should be the OP who should make all the compromise/sacrifices and work full time (returning to work quickly after maternity leave though I might add this isn't always possible) - why would any father not want to help his family? - he is not incapable of getting paid employment and from what OP has said he is not going to take any responsibility for the second child.
I guess we just have different points of view on this.
At the end of the day OP is pretty much single now - one less adult mouth to feed may be the difference between her working fulltime and being able to cut her hours to spend more time with her children.[/QUOTE]
I don't think that in the long term or forever that OP should make all the compromises or sacrifices, but if you read previous threads, the OPs DP has looked for work, and is currently unable to find any due to the financial climate and the fact that the construction trade is fairly depressed. Therefore, at the moment, as the only wage earner, and the only one likely to get work in the short term, I think she should accept that she has to take financial responsibility for the family. When the situation changes, and her DP has found work, then it will be time to discuss her going P/T.
Obviously if OP and her DP split up, its up to her what hours she works, as long as she is able to maintain a decent standard of living for her family, and pay her expenses.0 -
OP says that she can afford to take a years maternity leave by taking a mortgage payment break though doesn't she?
As a full time working mother of 2 myself I am fully aware that many mothers have to work full time and go back to work after a couple of months maternity out of necessity - it is not really like that for OP is it
I am not sure why you think it should be the OP who should make all the compromise/sacrifices and work full time (returning to work quickly after maternity leave though I might add this isn't always possible) - why would any father not want to help his family? - he is not incapable of getting paid employment and from what OP has said he is not going to take any responsibility for the second child.
I guess we just have different points of view on this.
At the end of the day OP is pretty much single now - one less adult mouth to feed may be the difference between her working fulltime and being able to cut her hours to spend more time with her children.
I don't think that in the long term or forever that OP should make all the compromises or sacrifices, but if you read previous threads, the OPs DP has looked for work, and is currently unable to find any due to the financial climate and the fact that the construction trade is fairly depressed. Therefore, at the moment, as the only wage earner, and the only one likely to get work in the short term, I think she should accept that she has to take financial responsibility for the family. When the situation changes, and her DP has found work, then it will be time to discuss her going P/T.
Obviously if OP and her DP split up, its up to her what hours she works, as long as she is able to maintain a decent standard of living for her family, and pay her expenses.[/QUOTE]
Ijust dont buy this sorry.
There are many many MSErs who were working in a certain trade that has tanked but they have persevered and found ANYTHING to support thier family.
What reason cant he work evenings or weekends? What reason cant he work in a shop, bar.
At the end of the day the mother of his child/ren is asking for help and support to parent her own daughter.
Most decent dads would move heaven and earth to keep thier families together, taking an evening job to release OP from the hard graft.
Of course he loves the SAHD option because it means limited effort.
personally all credit to the OP for giving him "pin" money for beer cos I personally woudnt but there you are.:beer: Well aint funny how its the little things in life that mean the most? Not where you live, the car you drive or the price tag on your clothes.
Theres no dollar sign on piece of mind
This Ive come to know...
So if you agree have a drink with me, raise your glasses for a toast :beer:0 -
I don't think that in the long term or forever that OP should make all the compromises or sacrifices, but if you read previous threads, the OPs DP has looked for work, and is currently unable to find any due to the financial climate and the fact that the construction trade is fairly depressed. Therefore, at the moment, as the only wage earner, and the only one likely to get work in the short term, I think she should accept that she has to take financial responsibility for the family. When the situation changes, and her DP has found work, then it will be time to discuss her going P/T.
Obviously if OP and her DP split up, its up to her what hours she works, as long as she is able to maintain a decent standard of living for her family, and pay her expenses.
Maybe it was a long time ago when I put he was looking for work, or maybe I have forgotten due to baby brain, but he has not looked for work pretty much since he was made redundant. He doesn't want to do any kind of construction work any more, so that's not even going happen if they suddenly starting building houses again.
We are not a "family." We just all happen to live in the same house, so why should I take full responsibility.
Like I said, we are friends, we are just not a couple. It's a strange set-up at the moment.Pink Sproglettes born 2008 and 2010
Mortgages (End 2017) - £180,235.03
(End 2021) - £131,215.25 DID IT!!!
(End 2022) - Target £116,213.810 -
pollyanna24 wrote: »Must admit this is a big part of it too. He has no concern for money at all, just spends as he sees fit. I have strict budgets in place, but they always go to pot. He has no clue what is in each account or what the mortgage costs, or what benefits we get etc.
I can afford to work three days and pay the mortgage. Just don't see why I should subsidise him if we are not together. I will help him budget and with whatever else he needs.
I would work 3 days and look after children 4 days.
I think that is a fair compromise (as we are not together). For people to suggest that I should just suck it up and lump it and carry on working full time when I can afford to do it on 3 days a week is ridiculous. Effectively, I am only working the extra 2 days for his bits and pieces, i.e. his car, phone bill, his food, his "pin" money.
Why can't I use those two days to spend with my children if I can afford my bills.
He wouldn't be able to afford to keep the house which is why I suggested I keep it. It would be cheaper for him to rent elsewhere. I'm not saying he couldn't have the kids at all. I will not use them as a bartering tool.
From what people on here are saying, he should stay in the house and live off me and benefits, when I can do it by myself. How is that logical?
Most of me thinks life is too short and there is only a short amount of time my children will be young.
That's exactly the choice you have to make isn't it - go it alone and work three days a week, or do it as a partnership and work five. Which is more important to you, your relationship or working part time hours, that's the crux of the matter.
I accept that the relationship is pretty much damaged beyond repair now, and why you feel like this when the relationship has fallen apart. But be honest, it was your resentment of him for being the main caregiver and your inability to accept that you had to work full time that caused a lot of the damage in the first place. One week after you went back to work you were posting threads complaining about the situation, and its gone downhill from there...0 -
Ijust dont buy this sorry.
There are many many MSErs who were working in a certain trade that has tanked but they have persevered and found ANYTHING to support thier family.
What reason cant he work evenings or weekends? What reason cant he work in a shop, bar.
At the end of the day the mother of his child/ren is asking for help and support to parent her own daughter.
Most decent dads would move heaven and earth to keep thier families together, taking an evening job to release OP from the hard graft.
Of course he loves the SAHD option because it means limited effort.
personally all credit to the OP for giving him "pin" money for beer cos I personally woudnt but there you are.
Actually, that is a valid point, and I accept that.
He ought to be looking for some part-time/evening work to take some pressure of OP and to improve the family finances.
However I sadly think the relationship is too damaged now, and I suspect that his self esteem is currently at rock bottom.0
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