Not very amicable split

shellsuit

I'll probbaly get shot for this...

Pollyanna, you've posted about the same thing several times, only now, there is another life due to come into the sham of a relationship.

With the state of the relationship as it was, you both must be barmy to have become pregnant again.

I can't offer much advice now as I think it has been said in past threads, but obviously you haven't given it a blind bit of notice.

If you want to split, split. But don't expect to have the children and the house as a God given right.

JodyBPM

RAS wrote: »

Where doe the OP even mention this?

Her BF was made redundant and did not get one great job.

Sorry, it might have been in one of the OPs other threads? But I'm sure this was the case

tigtag02

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Ps, the "advice" I sought was from CAB who said I would get custody as "mother."

Not sure if there is much case evidence where the father gets custody. He may look after her while I'm at work, but that's it.

He does 8-5, five days a week 45 hours.

I do 7am-8am, 5pm-7pm, five days a week, 15 hours

Weekends - 12 + 12 = 24, so 39 hours.

Not that much diff really.

And that's on top of my 35 hours full time job.

Exactly - so I wouldnt let comments like 'Because custody normally goes to the parent who has spent the most time looking after the child, which in this case is the father...' worry you

tigtag02

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Yep, said there further up (sorry, appreciate this thread is getting longer and longer!).

I said that he is on the mortgage, but doesn't pay for it, fair enough, he is looking after little one.

I wish to stay in the house, pay the mortgage, keep his name on the mortgage, and when we sell, he get half the money. I feel this is fair as if he rents, it is like dead money and feel he is still entitled to money from the house.

I don't want to sell the house now as we are locked into a fixed rate, but if he wants this, then so be it.

Whilst I congratulate you for wanting to be fair once and if he leaves get a valuation and ensure that his interest in the equity stops at that point rather than his share creap up and up without any input into the house at all.

Chinkle

I can understand why the OP's partner maybe getting a little aggrieved because she is trying to dictate the terms of future arrangements. But equally it sounds like he just wants to bury his head in the ground and carry on as is.

OP do go and see a solicitor to get some legal advice. In the meantime, I would suggest maybe also setting up a separate bank account and ensuring the joint account is only there to pay for essentials - also see if you can cancel the overdraft so he doesn't dip into it if things get vindictive.

Regards the living arrangements etc, if you are really unhappy why not move out yourself and simply pay him maintenance for your first child. This will force him to take responsibility for making up the shortfall - either through benefits/or getting a job. Also, it will make him see what really being a "full time" dad is. If he is like you say, my bet is he'll get fed up of these arrangements pretty quickly then you can look at an alternative which is more suitable, ie you moving back in and being the main care giver. Hopefully this would be in time for the birth of your second.

shellsuit

I'm wondering why this is so different because the OP, the one who is working, is a woman.

If this was a guy posting here, moaning about his OH at home looking after their child, and he said that he wanted her to leave and wanted the child, there would be uproar!

*shakes head*

tigtag02

shellsuit wrote: »

I'm wondering why this is so different because the OP, the one who is working, is a woman.

If this was a guy posting here, moaning about his OH at home looking after their child, and he said that he wanted her to leave and wanted the child, there would be uproar!

*shakes head*

honestly shell I dont think that there would if the OH did as little as the OP says hers does (does that make sense?)

JodyBPM

I'm just going to say that I have actually read back on (many) other posts from the OP about this situation, and there are a few things that jump out to me that are not necessarily in this thread, but have been pointed out before

OP didn't want to go back to work
OP resents her DP because he gets to stay at home
OP's DP HAS been looking for a part time job, but with no success (he works in the construction industry which is to be fair, pretty dead at the moment)
OP does earn more than her DP
OP has issues with the fact that the other SAHPs that her DP hangs around with are female
OP previously didn't seem to have any issues with the standard of care her DP was providing to her DD
OP has previously said that her DH is a better housekeeper than herself (this was in the early days of him being a SAHD, so it may have gone downhill!)

It puts a very different slant on it all.

I'm not trying to get at OP. Honestly, I do get that she wants to be at home with her DD, and it must be horrible to have to leave her to go to work each day. But, sometimes, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

But I can see it from her DP's point of view, the man that is being resented day in day out despite doing a very important job of looking after his DD and keeping the house. The man who gets grief for socialising with other SAHPs, and the man who is probably feeling absolutely lousy about himself, because he's trying to get a job, and who's DP resents him for not getting one despite his best efforts. I'm not suprised he's taken to going out when she comes home, if all he gets is guilt and grief.

I really think the two of them need to talk, and try and sort this out. But until OP accepts that she doesn't have an automatic right to be a SAHM or P/T worker just because she happens to be female, then they are just going to keep going round in circles:( Her priority should be to do whatever it takes to give the FAMILY the best standard of living that she can, it's not just about what SHE wants.

pinkclouds

I think it is important to point out that maternity complications can be difficult to predict. In a worst case scenario (unlikely, I know, and totally not wished for the OP) the mom could end up physically unable to return to work.

Kindly old mother nature is *not* fair. End of.

Any reasonable dad has to have some kind of plan B if he thinks he can rely on his partner to indefinitely support the whole family. I'm uncertain what job the OP has but even just an emergency c-section can put an end/halt to some jobs.

Also, one would hope a good dad would be seeking the best for all his kids. I would have expected him to want his partner to stay at home and breastfeed the baby.

Men and women are *not* equal. Any child can tell you that. If the OP's partner didn't want to take responsibility for her and their offspring then he shouldn't have procreated with her. If anyone's rights are at issue, it should be the children's rights to physical care from the mom and financial care from the dad.

I'm sorry I don't have any good solutions for the OP. Either she manages to reconcile with her partner and persuade him to get a job or she prepares for the possibility of ending up with one child apiece in separate homes. It's all very sad and my sympathies go to the whole family - especially the kids.

[I'm sorry if I sound overly harsh. Someone I know has recently lost his partner and is now a single dad to a very young baby. I think it's colouring a lot of my thoughts.]

pollyanna24

JodyBPM wrote: »

No, you're not understanding me. My husband could work p/t IF he wanted to, IF we discussed it and IF the finances allow it. If he UNILATERALLY decided, then it is unfair and unreasonable. That's my point, not about who works what hours, but about one person making a UNILATERAL decision which would leave the family in financial dire straights.

Sorry, I haven't read all the posts since I left work last night, but there seems to be a varied lot in there.

I do get everyone's points about why shouldn't I work full time, why should he? Argue argue etc.

But for my sanity, I feel I can't work full time once this new child comes along. And that I feel is quite important.

Another factor is that we are not actually "together" as a couple. He is in the spare room, he does his own thing and leaves me to do my own at the weekend. He gets his time off, I don't!!!

They say stay at home parents have the hardest job, but I work full time, and then come straight home and do his job! His job really is just a full time normal job to him.

The fact that we are not together does make me resent him, yes. I resent the time he has during the week to take her to do toddler activities, yes. That is unfair of me I know, but I can't help how I feel. I resent the fact that he just lets me do everything at the weekend and evenings and he gets his time off. My life is work, baby, sleep. I don't mind this in itself, but I do resent him as his is baby, booze time, baby, booze time.