Not very amicable split

JodyBPM

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I would like a fair compromise. If I can afford to pay my mortgage and bills by working three days a week, then we should be able to come to some compromise. If he worked three days a week, he should be able to pay HALF of the mortgage.

And your other half is happy in the situaiton where he works full time, I am not.

I get what you are saying. I also understand on a deeper, emotional level, that you are a mother, and you want to spend time with your children. But I just think you need to put this issue to one side for the time being, and work out whether you and DP have a chance of saving the relationship. Forget about the money, forget about who works, who does the housework etc, and just go back down to basics. Do either of you think that the feelings are there that could make this relationship work? If not, then you have to go through the process of splitting up, one of you moving out, sorting out custody etc. Obviously, once you are split and single, then its up to you how you arrange your finances, how much you work etc, your DP doesn't get a say in it, because, after all, you are single! In the same vein, you don't get a say in how your DP arranges his finances and how much he works etc, as he too will be single. The only financial responsibility will be the maintenance from the non resident parent to the child, which would be based on their income, but you can't FORCE your DP to work so that he could pay you maintenance, or visa versa.

But if there is a chance that this relationship could work, then you need to discuss the finances and the working patterns together and make a joint decision. Both of you should be coming from the viewpoint of the best way of providing for the family, first and foremost, not about preferred working patterns. Talk to your DP, of course, about the fact that you are unhappy working f/t, but don't berate him or resent him because so far he has been unable to find a job, and do appreciate the good job he is doing at home with your DD. But, if you NEED to work full time at the moment to keep the family afloat, surely thats a small price to pay for the good of the family. It doesn't have to be forever, but I just don't see how you can decide on your own to slash the family finances by half before your DP has found a job.

And talk to your DP about how you feel you don't get any time off. Perhaps arrange one evening a week, or one day each weekend, which is yours, and you go out and socialise, pop to your mum's, whatever, so you get some ME time. I'm guessing that your DP thinks, since you are complaining about having to be away from your DD working, that you WANT to spend the rest of the time with her. If that's not the case, let him know!

And finally, you say you have a supportive mum, who is happy to do some childcare. Well take her up on some babysitting duties, and you and DP go out TOGETHER and have some fun. It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive, a picnic in the park or similar would be great. But you need to come together, rather than pulling apart.

Good luck - I hope that there is something in all this that can be salvedged, not least for the the new little one growing inside you.

Almo

pinkclouds wrote: »

Men and women are *not* equal. Any child can tell you that. If the OP's partner didn't want to take responsibility for her and their offspring then he shouldn't have procreated with her. If anyone's rights are at issue, it should be the children's rights to physical care from the mom and financial care from the dad.

Maybe, given the final paragraph in your post, you've just made a mistake with the phrasing here. I hope so, because otherwise that's really really sad. The child has a right to physical care, love and financial support. It shouldn't matter where it comes from.

galvanizersbaby

OP - Is there any way you could speak to your Mum and see if she could provide childcare for your DD 2-3 times a week now while you are at work? (you mention that she would be a possibility for childcare)

This way your OH would be able to share the day care of your DD therefore not being the main carer.

I have experienced a similar (though not with the working/money stuff) set up to yours and I do feel that if your OH is happy to continue indefinately not being a couple any longer and is only there for your DD + house to live in etc you really should see a solicitor and face up to the fact that you will have to deal with this (preferably sooner rather than later)

I think this is about much more than whether you work full time or part time - you are (understandably in my opinion) resentful of your OH (if you still call him that) because you are living your own separate lives under the same roof at his instigation.

You are not happy for this situation to continue indefinately so you need to address that first in my opinion.

[Deleted User]

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I take your point on this, but the second child is still inside me and I wouldn't be working for the first year of it's life as I would be on maternity leave, so who counts as the parent with residency?

A friend has offered to take daughter with her daughter to a particular tots group, but bf won't let her.

I still don't want things to end, I just don't think they can go on the way they are. We are still actually talking to each other, it's just a weird situation.

Thinks he just wants it to carry on like it is, I can't do this. In my ideal little world, we would both work part time, joint custody, both live in house and work towards building our relationship again. But part of me thinks it too late for this and we should just move on.

PS He doesn't want this second child, still pressuring me to have it aborted, so not sure why he should have any rights to it.

Not being funny but you should both have sorted out any issues you may have with each other before you got pregnant with another child.

jackieglasgow

Not being funny, but not being very helpful either!

JodyBPM

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

OP - Is there any way you could speak to your Mum and see if she could provide childcare for your DD 2-3 times a week now while you are at work? (you mention that she would be a possibility for childcare)

This way your OH would be able to share the day care of your DD therefore not being the main carer.

I have experienced a similar (though not with the working/money stuff) set up to yours and I do feel that if your OH is happy to continue indefinately not being a couple any longer and is only there for your DD + house to live in etc you really should see a solicitor and face up to the fact that you will have to deal with this (preferably sooner rather than later)

I think this is about much more than whether you work full time or part time - you are (understandably in my opinion) resentful of your OH (if you still call him that) because you are living your own separate lives under the same roof at his instigation.

You are not happy for this situation to continue indefinately so you need to address that first in my opinion.

I'm sorry, but I'm really uncomfortable about all the suggestions about changing childcare around etc so that the OP can PROVE that she's the main carer. The thing that is most important here is the CHILD and her needs. She's not a possession for someone to take ownership of, and shouldn't have her routine disrupted just so that someone can score points.

What is most important is that this child has security and continuity amongst the major issues going on in her family, stop trying to mess her around to meet the parent's needs. Her needs are the most important here, not either of her parents wants.

galvanizersbaby

JodyBPM wrote: »

I'm sorry, but I'm really uncomfortable about all the suggestions about changing childcare around etc so that the OP can PROVE that she's the main carer. The thing that is most important here is the CHILD and her needs. She's not a possession for someone to take ownership of, and shouldn't have her routine disrupted just so that someone can score points.

What is most important is that this child has security and continuity amongst the major issues going on in her family, stop trying to mess her around to meet the parent's needs. Her needs are the most important here, not either of her parents wants.

I agree - neither should she be used by her father as financial security/emotional blackmail for a relationship that he does not want to be in and is not prepared to put in any effort in order to fix (if it as as OP has said and he does not want to be in a relationship with her)

As I said previously I believe in the OP's case this is about far more than just her desire to work part time and spend more time with her daughter.

JodyBPM

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

I agree - neither should she be used by her father as financial security/emotional blackmail for a relationship that he does not want to be in and is not prepared to put in any effort in order to fix (if it as as OP has said and he does not want to be in a relationship with her)

As I said previously I believe in the OP's case this is about far more than just her desire to work part time and spend more time with her daughter.

I agree with you too, but seeing it from the father's point of view, he is currently DDs full time carer, and wishes to continue to be if they split up. That seems reasonable on the face of it. I'm not really seeing where he is using her, he just wants to continue to provide the care for her, as he has been doing.

I think gender and traditional roles are clouding peoples judgement here. Honestly, what do you think the responses would be if a SAHM came on here and said that her f/t working DH was going to split up with her, start working p/t and take her child away from her? And that it was unreasonable that she expected her partner to pitch in with the housework and childcare when he got home from work.And that he was trying to FORCE her to get a job, despite being able to manage fine on his full time salary, just because he fancied working P/T?

[Deleted User]

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I am not wanting to have my cake and eat it! If I was doing this, I wouldn't want to work at all. I just want more of a balance. I could just give up work and live on benefits, but that is not me.

He knows I am pregnant, I am the one trying to resolve things before we are both out of work rather than just him. It is "unfortunate" for him that it is the woman who has the baby and has to take time off, but hey ho. I am entitled to that!

I am able to afford the house and bills without him looking after her. His solution is for me to carry on working and just pay for everything and him not work at all!

We have a joint account and I pay into it as that is where the bills come out of. We have been together for... wait for it... almost 11 years and so this just made sense when you have a mortgage.

Hang on now. Your splitting up and pregant and still want to keep the baby. Not sure if thats sensible.

mummy_Jay

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I have been told by other mothers that he doesn't enjoy being a sahd, so why can't he tell me that?

It's comments like this and the one about him not wanting to know his DD once mum is home that makes me think that he's not doing this because its best for his DD but cause it makes his life easier for him so a change to the childcare arrangement would probably be healthier for the little one.

What is wrong with her being with her nan for a few days of the week? if its possible at the moment.

It sounds like OP wanted to save this relationship but OH doesn't, he's used her for a booty call, which has resulted in an unexpected pregnancy. He's using her to pay the bills and keep a roof over his head and is using the DD to try to maintain that, rather that because all he want is to spend every moment with his DD and is doing whats best for her.

OP- you've let this relationship drag out, out of hope he might still want you, but if he can't be bothered to dicuss a compromise on working arrangements or try relate, maybe its time to cut your loses and start separting yourself emotionally and finiancially. I'm not saying kick him out just start accepting that he doesn't want this relationship, let yourself move forward and pour all that love into your children instead of wasitn it on him.
Move your wages into your own account and all the bills you are paying into your own name and pay the mortatage from your account, so you can get that joint account closed ASAP.