Not very amicable split

RAS

JodyBPM wrote: »

I would try to urge you to make the relationship work if you can. But you need to stop resenting him for being the main caregiver, and make peace with your lot of being a f/t working mum, otherwise I don't think there is any chance of this relationship working. What is more important to you - keeping your family together, or being able to work p/t?

Many mothers, both single or with a partner work f/t. I'm sure many of them would choose not to, but sometimes its just a necessity in modern life.

Why? She does not "resent him for being the main care giver", She feels guilty.

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I get called "lazy" and "a useless mother" almost on a daily basis. This on top of the guilt I have in not seeing my daughter every day.

And the fact that she is working full-time is used to abuse her, so there is no incentive to carry-on.

Turning tables, how many male partners would stay and maintain a family when their wife/GF told them that were useless dad because they worked FT and were lazy. And how many would take full responsibility for child care outside work hours?

pelirocco

JodyBPM wrote: »

Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for you OP, as you are clearly uncomfortable with the current situation, I also think you are being unfair.

Your DP is the main carer for your child, and you work full time. You are now pregnant again, with a child you say that your DP doesn't want. So a few questions - did you discuss getting pg again with your DP? If so, was he up for it? If not, how come you ended up pregnant without his agreement? Your decision to take a years mat leave and to work P/t once baby is here - have you discussed this with your DP? Is he in agreement with it?

I could be completely barking up the wrong tree here, but I get the impression that you are making MAJOR life decisions unilaterally, and I'm not suprised your DP is angry with you, and thinking that he doesn't want to give this relationship a chance. The decisions you are making are affecting him as well as you. I totally get that you are not happy being the main breadwinner and working full time, but that seems to be the most sensible option for the time being. I think you are very resentful of your DH being at home with your DD, and making his life hell, questioning who he spends his days with, and critising his parenting.

I'm female, my DH works f/t, and I part time. If my husband suddenly decided unilaterally that he was going to cut down to p/t, or take a year off of work, I would be furious, it would have a major impact on me, I deserve to be part of the decision! Similarly, if he decided unilaterally that we were going to have another baby (not really possible since I'm female, but still) and forged ahead without my agreement, that would be the end of our relationship. And, trust me, the fur would be flying if he came home from work each day, and critised how I was bringing up the children and who I was spending time with!

I think, if its at all possible that its not too late, you need to sit down and talk to your DH and try to work this out.

If you do split up, ultimately the situation that follows has to be what is best for YOUR CHILD, and not best for YOU. Therefore, I'm afraid I would say she is best off with your DP, as he is her primary care giver. And as the absent parent, your responsibility would be to work f/t and support her financially. You currently work full time, I don't see why, just because you split up, that you feel that should change?

Why ? If you can work part time , why cant your husband? . The Op has to work full time because her partner doesnt seem to want to work how does that make her selfish because she would like to see more of her child ( children) ....working hardly makes her an absent parent does it :mad:

JodyBPM

Raini wrote: »

Why should she have to work full time? Even if that was the plan from the beginning of their relationship she's done it for a year and she feel that she is missing too much of her children! She is demanding not to work at all but to have a balance between them! And I would say this whether it was the mom or the dad, to me that's irrelevant.

Because the finances dictate that she needs to, she earns more than him.


Yes it would be ideal if they both worked p/t and shared the childcare, but this has to be a JOINT decision, not a UNILATERAL decision, and should be based on the finances.

Currently, they do not have enough finances for her to work P/T as she is the highest wage earner, therefore she has to work F/T, surely its that simple? If her husband finds a P/T job, then its time to discuss her dropping some hours if the budget can afford it. He is working and contributing bringing up their child, and as he earns less it makes sense that he does this, whilst she works F/T.

As she has higher earning potential, if they both work P/T and share the care, their financial situation will be much worse. Her husband doesn't seem to want this, and his point is valid.

JodyBPM

pelirocco wrote: »

Why ? If you can work part time , why cant your husband? . The Op has to work full time because her partner doesnt seem to want to work how does that make her selfish because she would like to see more of her child ( children) ....working hardly makes her an absent parent does it :mad:

No, you're not understanding me. My husband could work p/t IF he wanted to, IF we discussed it and IF the finances allow it. If he UNILATERALLY decided, then it is unfair and unreasonable. That's my point, not about who works what hours, but about one person making a UNILATERAL decision which would leave the family in financial dire straights.

Raini

JodyBPM wrote: »

He is working, and contributing bringing up their child.

But that's my point he isn't doing the best for his daughter according to the OP!

I would say the same to a woman refusing to work at all and forcing her partner to work full time! It's just not fair when one isn't happy. He's making a unilateral decision by refusing to work at all!

louisemarie

JodyBPM wrote: »

No, you're not understanding me. My husband could work p/t IF he wanted to, IF we discussed it and IF the finances(I) allow it. If he UNILATERALLY decided, then it is unfair and unreasonable. That's my point, not about who works what hours, but about one person making a UNILATERAL decision which would leave the family in financial dire staaights.

Having read lots of your posts I very much doubt your husband would dare to even THINK about spending a fiver never mind going part time.

I do think its a bit rich given your attitudes to your husband and your desire to control everything that you feel able to comment in such a negative way.

OP, good luck. I really hope everything works out well for you.

JodyBPM

Raini wrote: »

But that's my point he isn't doing the best for his daughter according to the OP!

I would say the same to a woman refusing to work at all and forcing her partner to work full time! It's just not fair when one isn't happy. He's making a unilateral decision by refusing to work at all!

But because he has a lower earning potential than her. Can they afford for each of them to work part time? From the sig, it looks as though they have a pretty high mortgage. I think the highest earner working and the lowest earner staying at home is a perfectly reasonable stance, regardless of gender.

JodyBPM

louisemarie wrote: »

Having read lots of your posts I very much doubt your husband would dare to even THINK about spending a fiver never mind going part time.

I do think its a bit rich given your attitudes to your husband and your desire to control everything that you feel able to comment in such a negative way.

OP, good luck. I really hope everything works out well for you.

Sorry, that's just funny!

I'm not controlling, I've just got more oomph and more drive!

And DH and I discuss everything, as it happens I actually wanted to be a SAHM after DS was born, but DH was worried about being the main (only) earner and whether we would survive financially, so I went back P/T. His concerns were valid, we discussed it, we came to a fair compromise. We did discuss DH going part time, but his job isn't as flexible as mine, and the way we settled on worked out best financially and for the family. DH is happy working F/T (specially now the little ones are not so little, and are FAR more demanding )

And I feel like a fully fledged MSE member now that I've had someone dragging up an old unrelated post and making a spiteful little dig

Raini

JodyBPM wrote: »

But because he has a lower earning potential than her. Can they afford for each of them to work part time? From the sig, it looks as though they have a pretty high mortgage. I think the highest earner working and the lowest earner staying at home is a perfectly reasonable stance, regardless of gender.

It would be if they were both happy about it. The OP isn't asking him to work full time but asking him to compromise with her so that she can see her daughter grow up. As the bill payer presumably she knows that they could manage with them both working part time.

It's not all about the dollar is it?

RAS

JodyBPM wrote: »

But because he has a lower earning potential than her.

Where doe the OP even mention this?

Her BF was made redundant and did not get one great job.