Not very amicable split

mummy_Jay

Are you working 3 or 5 days a week at the moment?

pollyanna24

mummy_Jay wrote: »

Are you working 3 or 5 days a week at the moment?

5 days, full time, 35 hours a week. Why?

Planning on working three days a week, 21 hours when I go back after maternity.

mummy_Jay

I was getting a little confused when you mentioned only needing 3 days of help, its just if you were working only 3 days and then looking after LO the rest of the time, you would be prime carer.

pollyanna24

mummy_Jay wrote: »

I was getting a little confused when you mentioned only needing 3 days of help, its just if you were working only 3 days and then looking after LO the rest of the time, you would be prime carer.

Oh right, sorry, maybe I didn't make it clear.

Yeah, that's why I want to work three days, have more time with her, there be more of a balance between work and home etc.

I'm not saying I want to be a sahm altogether, I am trying to be realistic and fair about it.

Raini

Is there anyway that you can go part time now? I know it might be really tough but it would a) put you in a much stronger position if the time comes to arrange who gets care of the child/children and b) might make OH sit up and realise that this situation will not be continuing.

It's a real shame that your OH won't think about counselling but if he won't there isn't much that you can do.

I understand that you're trying to be fair (giving him half of the house and savings) but from what you describe I would expect the worse from him. It sounds like he is in a very resentful place and I would expect him to fight tooth and nail for EVERYTHING - including both kids and the house.

If I was in your place I would try once more to sit down with him and at least reach a compromise. If he wasn't prepared to do that I would seek legal advice and protect me and my kids - I'd firstly move my wages so that he didn't have access and document everything, including every time I asked him to compromise and work part time.

*big hugs*

DigitalJedi

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I know he is primary carer, I'm not stupid and neither would I lie about it. But how can he/the Courts expect me to pay him when in six months time, I will have to take time off and not necessarily go back to my job. And he wouldn't be primary carer then, would he? Unfortunately for him, he can't have this child for me (cos if he could, it would have been flushed down the toilet by now!).

And I know the role reversal, oh woe is him would come up at some point. Believe me, I don't need this argument as it is all I ever hear from him. How if it was the other way round etc., but it's not... and we have to take the situation as it is.

I'm not saying you are stupid but you are wanting your cake and to eat it.

Primary carer is the person who has the child most (and usually who gets the child benefit but its not an exact science). So at the moment he has DD full time. In x months time you give up work and all of a sudden you are just expecting him to say "oh ok, you have DD 50% of the time now, I'll go off and look for a job, you be primary carer and I'll change my life around". It may seem perfectly logical to you but my point is it seems quite unfair to your ex.

As for what you would be expected to pay. Well since you are not married the only liability to each other is child maintenance. That would be 15% of your income or £5 a week if you are on benefits.

What means all that happens is you are both in the sh*t.

Sorry if I appear to lack sympathy but like I said, if the shoe were on the other foot I suspect your views would be very different.

neneromanova

How much holiday are you able to take at the moment? Can you not take a week or 2 off on holiday to spend with your DD then you can start to get things like childcare sorted out and tell him to go.

In a horrible way, if you quit your job tomorrow, with the way this country is at the moment, you would be better off being a single mum on benefits which is rediculous!

Why is there a joint account and why do you pay into it?

neneromanova

DigitalJedi wrote: »

I'm not saying you are stupid but you are wanting your cake and to eat it.

Primary carer is the person who has the child most (and usually who gets the child benefit but its not an exact science). So at the moment he has DD full time. In x months time you give up work and all of a sudden you are just expecting him to say "oh ok, you have DD 50% of the time now, I'll go off and look for a job, you be primary carer and I'll change my life around". It may seem perfectly logical to you but my point is it seems quite unfair to your ex.

As for what you would be expected to pay. Well since you are not married the only liability to each other is child maintenance. That would be 15% of your income or £5 a week if you are on benefits.

What means all that happens is you are both in the sh*t.

Sorry if I appear to lack sympathy but like I said, if the shoe were on the other foot I suspect your views would be very different.

I think the point she is trying to make is that when the time comes, when she has her second child, they will both be home with no income apart from tax credits.

pollyanna24

I am not wanting to have my cake and eat it! If I was doing this, I wouldn't want to work at all. I just want more of a balance. I could just give up work and live on benefits, but that is not me.

He knows I am pregnant, I am the one trying to resolve things before we are both out of work rather than just him. It is "unfortunate" for him that it is the woman who has the baby and has to take time off, but hey ho. I am entitled to that!

I am able to afford the house and bills without him looking after her. His solution is for me to carry on working and just pay for everything and him not work at all!

We have a joint account and I pay into it as that is where the bills come out of. We have been together for... wait for it... almost 11 years and so this just made sense when you have a mortgage.

pollyanna24

DigitalJedi wrote: »

I'm not saying you are stupid but you are wanting your cake and to eat it.

Primary carer is the person who has the child most (and usually who gets the child benefit but its not an exact science). So at the moment he has DD full time. In x months time you give up work and all of a sudden you are just expecting him to say "oh ok, you have DD 50% of the time now, I'll go off and look for a job, you be primary carer and I'll change my life around". It may seem perfectly logical to you but my point is it seems quite unfair to your ex.

As for what you would be expected to pay. Well since you are not married the only liability to each other is child maintenance. That would be 15% of your income or £5 a week if you are on benefits.

What means all that happens is you are both in the sh*t.

Sorry if I appear to lack sympathy but like I said, if the shoe were on the other foot I suspect your views would be very different.

PS, when I am at home, I have our daughter 100% of the time and he is off doing his own thing. So that is what I imagine will happen as soon as I give up work.