Not very amicable split

whitewing

I can totally understand why your OH doesn't go to playgroup. I'm female and I have no particular desire to go.

I feel sad for you all, especially the children.

I just wonder if the situation has got out of hand as your OH feels unappreciated for his role, and if you have unrealistic ideas of being a stay at home parent.

Could you not try counselling before you separate. You may find 2 part time jobs for each of you will work out. Better for the children to have two happy parents together, although I do concede that is not always possible. At least try to have a proper, proper heartfelt chat before you let the resentment rush you into a split.

pollyanna24

RAS wrote: »

Thanks.

Soory to be nosey, but it seems to me that part of what you need to do is wait until you are on mat leave, take over the day to day care of DD as much as possible and then give your lovely BF the boot.

Is he named as joint owner of the house.

Haha, you are not being nosey. It's a forum for people to ask questions.

Yeah, this is sort of what I was thinking of doing. But I am only 12 weeks pregnant and wanted to work until I was almost due, so quite a while yet to go.

I know this seems as though I am using him as a babysitter at the moment, but to be fair, he is still getting everything paid for by me and he is not so tight when it comes to money, loves spending it!

RAS

OK

it going to be best part of 6 months you have to hang on in there, but in the mean-time you can start to re-organise your finances so that you have more control and he has less access to your money and you can pay down any other debts.

pollyanna24

RAS wrote: »

OK

it going to be best part of 6 months you have to hang on in there, but in the mean-time you can start to re-organise your finances so that you have more control and he has less access to your money and you can pay down any other debts.

Thanks for that.

Due to me being savvy with money, we don't have any debts besides the mortgage, but the mortgage is quite high.

I have complete control over finances anyways. Well I say that, he uses the joint account, but I am the one who does all the money side. We have about £4,000 in savings (which go down every month thanks to him) I would give him half, that's only fair.

pollyanna24

I can hang on in there for six months, but don't want him to think I'm screwing him over or that I'm taking his child (not children, he doesn't want the second one). I don't want it to be bitter and horrible for our little girl's sake. Saw her face this morning when we were arguing , not going to do that in front of her again.

DigitalJedi

Wasn't there a similar thread to this some time ago?

I don't see any difference here to many many other couples splitting up except your roles are reversed and you are pregnant.

You have conjured up a scenario which you think is fair....but of course your (ex)partner disagrees.

Can you imagine if a woman came here and posted that her ex wanted her out of the house, get a job and to walk away from being primary carer?

Frankly its all a bit of a mess and I suspect if it ended up in the courts then you'd both lose a lot and the probably outcome would be shared residence anyway. He's likely to fight tooth & nail to be primary carer since he would then get the child benefit, tax credits etc. In fact, he has a pretty good case. By your own admission he is primary carer.

pollyanna24

whitewing wrote: »

I can totally understand why your OH doesn't go to playgroup. I'm female and I have no particular desire to go.

I feel sad for you all, especially the children.

I just wonder if the situation has got out of hand as your OH feels unappreciated for his role, and if you have unrealistic ideas of being a stay at home parent.

Could you not try counselling before you separate. You may find 2 part time jobs for each of you will work out. Better for the children to have two happy parents together, although I do concede that is not always possible. At least try to have a proper, proper heartfelt chat before you let the resentment rush you into a split.

But I do think she needs more than being carted off to the few female friends' houses that he has got, so they can mother her and he can play with the older kids or sit around drinking coffee. Or he goes to pubs with play areas. Think it is more for him than for her if you see what I mean. She is quite a bit behind her cousin, and yes I know, you shouldn't compare.

I don't think I have unrealistic ideas of being a stay at home parent as I know it is hard and sometimes boring, but that is why I want to combine it with us both working and both minding her.

Another option I have thought about is us both just staying in the house and paying our own way... not sure how that would work in the long run (but I would be better off as I would only have to pay half the mortgage!)...still hoping we get back together, but I do resent his time with her, the fact that I pay for everything... the fact he doesn't want anything to do with me or her at the weekend (sometimes I feel he does that to punish me and show me.."Look, it really is hard and boring being a stay at home parent").

mummy_Jay

Have you calculated what it would cost to use childcare (childminder or nursery) and the difference that would make to your tax credits, also don't forget to factor in being a single parent.
Is it affordable to keep you going until you start maternity leave?

I have to ask as you say he doesn't want the baby on the way that makes me think maybe he doesn't like doing the childcare that much, maybe he just likes not having to go to work and you paying all the bills? So maybe (and it is only a maybe) if you kicked him out he wouldn't want to help out whilst your at work or it might be the kick for him to go and get himself a job as he wouldn't be able to use LO as an excuse not to. You may think he'd never do this but do at least think about it. It's always best to have a contingency plan just incase.

pollyanna24

DigitalJedi wrote: »

Wasn't there a similar thread to this some time ago?

I don't see any difference here to many many other couples splitting up except your roles are reversed and you are pregnant.

You have conjured up a scenario which you think is fair....but of course your (ex)partner disagrees.

Can you imagine if a woman came here and posted that her ex wanted her out of the house, get a job and to walk away from being primary carer?

Frankly its all a bit of a mess and I suspect if it ended up in the courts then you'd both lose a lot and the probably outcome would be shared residence anyway. He's likely to fight tooth & nail to be primary carer since he would then get the child benefit, tax credits etc. In fact, he has a pretty good case. By your own admission he is primary carer.

I know he is primary carer, I'm not stupid and neither would I lie about it. But how can he/the Courts expect me to pay him when in six months time, I will have to take time off and not necessarily go back to my job. And he wouldn't be primary carer then, would he? Unfortunately for him, he can't have this child for me (cos if he could, it would have been flushed down the toilet by now!).

And I know the role reversal, oh woe is him would come up at some point. Believe me, I don't need this argument as it is all I ever hear from him. How if it was the other way round etc., but it's not... and we have to take the situation as it is.

pollyanna24

mummy_Jay wrote: »

Have you calculated what it would cost to use childcare (childminder or nursery) and the difference that would make to your tax credits, also don't forget to factor in being a single parent.
Is it affordable to keep you going until you start maternity leave?

I have to ask as you say he doesn't want the baby on the way that makes me think maybe he doesn't like doing the childcare that much, maybe he just likes not having to go to work and you paying all the bills? So maybe (and it is only a maybe) if you kicked him out he wouldn't want to help out whilst your at work or it might be the kick for him to go and get himself a job as he wouldn't be able to use LO as an excuse not to. You may think he'd never do this but do at least think about it. It's always best to have a contingency plan just incase.

Yeah, I know. My mum or selling the house is my contingency plan. Eek. I know my mum wants to give up work as she is 60 this year. And yes, a lovely, fighting fit 60, who would love to look after her grandkids for three days a week.