Not very amicable split

mummy_Jay

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Do I take daughter with me?

YES

Otherwise it would go against you, as he could claim you abandoned her.

Raini

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Thanks. Trying to take everything on board.

I could go live at my mums. He has suggested this. Who pays the bills in the meantime? He seems to think me! You could cut your hours, so you can spend more time with your daughter and can't pay all of the bills. TBH if it was me I'd probably only pay the mortgage and tell him to either cancel or pay the rest - you can contact all the providers and let them know that you have moved out and putting the house on the market.

Do I take daughter with me? I definitely would.

My mum works at the moment, but has said in the past she will retire if I need her to, otherwise she will work till she is 64 (when my dad is 65). You can't sop your OH from spending time with his daughter but that's why you need to get legal advice. If you 'let' him look after her for the 3 days you work will he give her back? And if he doesn't can you make him? I don't know what the answer is to that.

It is easy for other people looking in but again if I was you I would start to cancel anything you have that you don't need, i.e. sky. You need to start preparing yourself for leaving. If you really do want to give him half of the savings transfer you half now! Cancel the joint overdraft and the credit card and open/use your own account. Get legal advice, take a day off work to do this if needed. It sounds to me like he is waiting for you to do something but assuming that he will get your daughter. Is he the man you thought he was 11 years ago? Did you ever think he would force you to work full time while he didn't work at all? Then don't assume he thinks you can have half of the savings or the house. I don't mean to sound harsh just realistic.

newcook

I too wouldn’t be paying for his car! Get all the bill put into his name (apart from the mortgage and pay half) give him his £2000 from the savings and tell him that he will have to use his savings for his bills including half of the mortgage. This amount of money should last him at least 2 months which is plenty of time for him to get a job or JSA sorted.
Move to your moms with DD and get the house on the market. The longer this drags on the worse and more bitter it is going to get.

Normally with these sort of threads I would recommend to try and work at the relationship but you sound so sad and hurt. Plus as I have said before – He has been quite open and said he doesn’t want the baby, he calls you lazy, he doesn’t help around the house and refuses to help moneywise (even if it was job seekers or something). There is no way I would ever put up with a man who didn’t want me or our unborn child and who treated and spoke to me like carp (well, I had one that treated me like crap – so never again!)!!!

My ex was a lazy so-and-so but luckily we didn’t have children together. He wouldn’t bother going to work (claimed he was stressed and depressed) so I was the bread winner. Although he was on JSA he would spend it all in 1 day on drink and drugs!!!
In the end I moved out while we were waiting for the sale of the house to go through. I informed all the necessary bods such as water and CT and told them and him that he was now responsible for it.

[Deleted User]

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Thanks. Trying to take everything on board.

I could go live at my mums. He has suggested this. Who pays the bills in the meantime? He seems to think me!

Do I take daughter with me?

My mum works at the moment, but has said in the past she will retire if I need her to, otherwise she will work till she is 64 (when my dad is 65).

Thats what blokes are expected to do if its the other way around !!!!!!!!!!

Carer stays home with kids and other person moves out. Apparently its ok as long as thats the bloke...:mad::mad::mad:

Raini

[quote=[Deleted User];33009279]Thats what blokes are expected to do if its the other way around !!!!!!!!!!

Carer stays home with kids and other person moves out. Apparently its ok as long as thats the bloke...:mad::mad::mad:[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't agree with this either, but then all the single mothers I know work at the least part time.

To me this really isn't about gender but about parental responsibility and a relationship that just isn't working.

JodyBPM

Right, I know my comments aren't going to be popular (they haven't been so far!) but I think people are forgetting the DP and HIS rights in all of this.

OP's DD is as much her DPs daughter as hers, and indeed the fact that DP is the major caregiver might even weigh slightly more in HIS favour, so why do people keep suggesting that the OP removes "her" DD from her husbands care and places her in childcare or with her currently working Grandma? Any decisions regarding DD need to made JOINTLY between OP and DP and in the absence of any suggestion that he is neglecting/abusing DD then I can see NO REASON why she should be disrupted and removed from the care of her loving daddy just because it might suit OP. In the same vein, I don't see that the OP has the right to just up and remove "her" daughter and go and live somewhere else, taking her DD with her. She has NO RIGHT to remove "her" daughter from her main caregiver, who is also a loving and caring father. Obviously, if there was evidence of neglect or abuse the situation would be different, but there is none.

The house is a JOINT asset. The household has been contributed to EQUALLY by both the OP and the DP as far as I can see, by OP working and paying the bills, and by DP providing the childcare that enables the OP to pay the bills. So decisions about whether the house gets sold/who lives there etc need to be made JOINTLY. Ditto the savings. They are JOINT. Or do all these people who are saying that everything should be the OPs because she's paid for them think that all SAHMs are scroungers and not contributing to the household?

Of course, if they are splitting up, there is no need for OP to be giving her exDP pin/beer money, but things like the car - surely its only her DD who will lose out if DP is unable to take her out anywhere?

Funnily enough, I think the OP realises this, which is why she is trying to be fair and reasonable.

Honestly OP, sort out what is left of the relationship first, then worry about money/houses/custody/working hours etc. But remember, all decisons about JOINT things, such as children, finances and houses need to be made JOINTLY, or if agreement cannot be reached, then ulitmately decided in Court.

Good luck, I hope you can make it work!

lynzpower

Im sorry but verbal abuse between parents is classed as a form of domestic abuse and along woith the suggestion that Pollyanna should terminate thier baby seems to be like there is emotional abuse going on, clearly.

All caring daddy might not think this is going to affect his daughter, but it clearly will.

Re the car- there are plenty of parents who dont have a car and thier children are hardly neglected because of it.

mummy_Jay

[quote=[Deleted User];33009279]Thats what blokes are expected to do if its the other way around !!!!!!!!!!

Carer stays home with kids and other person moves out. Apparently its ok as long as thats the bloke...:mad::mad::mad:[/QUOTE]

No it's more about what is better for the children (both born and unborn).

Is it the parent that looks after the child in the day, but doesn't want to know as soon as there's someone else there to dump the poor kid on, doesn't want to involve the child in social activities/clubs, choses to verbally abuse the other parent, moans about being stuck with the child and has refused to even attempt to contribute financially (who could have easily apply for JSA by now). And is attempting to force a mother to abort the baby whilst using the other child as a way of manipulating the other parent.

Or

The one that is desperate to spend more time with the child, provides for the family and has scarificed to make sure their child is provided for and wants the child involved in activities that will motorvate them to learn and give them social skills.The parent willing to compromise so the child gets both parents and a balanced family life.

Sorry it's not because the OP is the mother I think she should take the child with her but that from what I have read she is the better parent for the child to grow up with, she seems to be the only one out of the two of them with the childrens best interest at heart and looking at the picture as a whole.

JodyBPM

lynzpower wrote: »

Im sorry but verbal abuse between parents is classed as a form of domestic abuse and along woith the suggestion that Pollyanna should terminate thier baby seems to be like there is emotional abuse going on, clearly.

All caring daddy might not think this is going to affect his daughter, but it clearly will.

Re the car- there are plenty of parents who dont have a car and thier children are hardly neglected because of it.

But, honestly, I'm not seeing any evidence of verbal abuse. Given that we are hearing only one side of the story, all I am seeing is a desperately sad situation of a couple falling apart and arguing with each other. If you read the posts, what comes across is that BOTH parties are feeling sad and unappreciated. I suspect the "verbal abuse" is a) not true verbal abuse, and b) coming from both sides.

Re the termination - not ideal to suggest that, of course, but I can see his point that bringing another baby (one that he certainly didn't plan) into this crumbling relationship just simply isn't a great idea. Now I don't think that any woman should be forced into having a termination, but I can understand, given the circumstances, why his knee jerk reaction is that they just CANNOT bring another child into this mess. And again, we only have one side of the story - is he really trying to force her into a termination? Or suggesting that they discuss whether or not continuing with this pregnancy is a good idea?

JodyBPM

mummy_Jay wrote: »

No it's more about what is better for the children (both born and unborn).

Is it the parent that looks after the child in the day, but doesn't want to know as soon as there's someone else there to dump the poor kid on, doesn't want to involve the child in social activities/clubs, choses to verbally abuse the other parent, moans about being stuck with the child and has refused to even attempt to contribute financially (who could have easily apply for JSA by now). And is attempting to force a mother to abort the baby whilst using the other child as a way of manipulating the other parent.

Or

The one that is desperate to spend more time with the child, provides for the family and has scarificed to make sure their child is provided for and wants the child involved in activities that will motorvate them to learn and give them social skills.The parent willing to compromise so the child gets both parents and a balanced family life.

Sorry it's not because the OP is the mother I think she should take the child with her but that from what I have read she is the better parent for the child to grow up with, she seems to be the only one out of the two of them with the childrens best interest at heart and looking at the picture as a whole.

But AGAIN, we are only hearing one side of the story.

I suspect that DP goes out when OP gets home because of the problems in the relationship between OP and DP not the relationship between DP and DD.

Incidentally, I'm not trying to shift the blame totally onto OP here. I really do sympathise with her, BUT I don't think her DP is an abuser, a bad dad etc etc. I think this is the sad situation of a relationship falling apart, and no doubt there are rights and wrongs on both sides. And as a contributer in this relationship and as a carer for his DD I don't think his wants and opinions should count for nothing.