Not very amicable split

Bubby

JodyBPM wrote: »

But, honestly, I'm not seeing any evidence of verbal abuse. Given that we are hearing only one side of the story, all I am seeing is a desperately sad situation of a couple falling apart and arguing with each other. If you read the posts, what comes across is that BOTH parties are feeling sad and unappreciated. I suspect the "verbal abuse" is a) not true verbal abuse, and b) coming from both sides.

Well thank goodness you don't work for womens aid. Verbal abuse is NOT acceptable and yes we are only getting the op's side but that is who has posted so we are only able to comment on her side.

Re the termination - not ideal to suggest that, of course, but I can see his point that bringing another baby (one that he certainly didn't plan) into this crumbling relationship just simply isn't a great idea. Now I don't think that any woman should be forced into having a termination, but I can understand, given the circumstances, why his knee jerk reaction is that they just CANNOT bring another child into this mess. And again, we only have one side of the story - is he really trying to force her into a termination? Or suggesting that they discuss whether or not continuing with this pregnancy is a good idea?

Suggesting a termination and making comments about this is awful in a marriage:(, and as for implying the op is lazy well that just takes the biscuit:mad:. The op has decided to keep this baby therefore there is no discussion to be had, it is her body and her choice, if her partner had wanted to avoid this he shouldn't have done the deed should he?

I think this relationship is dead (from what the op has posted) and in those circumstances unfortunately apart from joint decisions about the children it is every man for himself. When you split up with someone you no longer worry about where their money comes from for their car insurance etc, how many ex husbands pay for their ex wives car insurance?

I don't know why you seem intent on telling the op to put up with the situation or leave her child with someone who isn't staying at home to be the caregiver but rather staying at home to avoid work?? Do you know her partner???

lynzpower

Of course we only have one side of the story- welcome to forums this is what they are made of.

If you dont like it, or cant accept it at face value, then what are you contributing?!

Soubrette

I agree with Lynz - obviously all of us read a post through the veil of our own bias and experience but advice can only be offered on the information given.

If the OP has given incorrect or misleading information then she will pay for that when or if she tries to take custody of her child. The rest of us can only comment on what she says.

There's not really much point making up a scenario that's more comfortable for you and then making comments on that.

That's even more extreme than a one sided post imo.

Sou

JodyBPM

I just wanted to say that no i don't know the OP or their partner! I accept there is a level to having to take things at face value, but all I am trying to do is play devils advocate a little, remove the emotion and look at the facts, and stand up for the SAHP who seems to get completely trashed for "refusing to contribute" despite the fact he is doing the most important job imo of providing the childcare.

IMO the fact is that there is no evidence of abuse or neglect from the SAHP, and no one seems to be respecting his equal right to have custody of the child he is the main carer for, or equal right to the house and savings that his contribution to the family helped to aquire.

If my DH came home from work, complained about how I was looking after children, moaned about doing chores in the evening or putting the children to bed, moaned about making them their breakfast in the morning etc I would be livid! I work part time, so somedays I'm a SAHP and some a working parent - I can assure you that my days at work are the easier days by far! I'd also be livid if he tried to tell me that I wasn't entitled to any of his earnings because I stayed at home and didn't contribute etc.

I'm just trying to give the other view.

All along I have said that I have a LOT of sympathy for the OP, its clear from the way she posts that she's emotionally exhausted and very very sad, but I think that's what happens when you go through a break up, it doesn't mean her husband is abusing her!

The SAHD does not deserve to be assumed to be a neglectful abuser, who only sees his daughter as a cash cow! There is no evidence pointing to this fact...

Truely I believe if the genders were reversed the responses would be very very different

[Deleted User]

I'm not sure we should, or have any right, to discuss the OP's situation in this way. It is unlikely that the OP's OH will ever come on here and say what is going on. We only have what the OP is saying to base any advice on. I feel very uneasy with the way this discussion is going. U will never get 'evidence' of verbal abuse on a forum except for what the OP is saying. If u can't take the OP's word for it.., why bother advise at all? This is not a court of law where certain standards of evidence exist.., its a forum and it feels little bit like in this particular thread u are setting yourself up to be a judge JodyBPM. I apologise if I cause offense.., I just feel your post is expecting a bit much in a forum.

jackieglasgow

I heartily agree with Deannatrois, I try my hardest not to be judgemental but some of your posts have made me very uncomfortable JodyBPM.

Soubrette

JodyBPM wrote: »

The SAHD does not deserve to be assumed to be a neglectful abuser, who only sees his daughter as a cash cow! There is no evidence pointing to this fact...

Truely I believe if the genders were reversed the responses would be very very different

Actually there is a little bit of evidence - the posts from the OP. There is of course no evidence for the scenarios that you have put forward.

I do agree with your last point - I think more people would point to possible depression and suggest the OP should point their partner in the direction of a GP. It's a fact that in general women get custody of their children but that is not as automatic as it was even 10 years ago.

Sou

JodyBPM

Well I apologise wholeheartedly if I have offended anyone. Honestly, all I have been trying to do is put across the other point of view, and defend the absent person, because I felt that accusations of abuse and non contribution were unfair and unfounded, and wouldn't have been raised if the genders were reversed.

Reflecting on it further, I will actually apologise to the OP, because I think that I've been playing Devil's Advocate a little, and as its on an forum, its very easy to forget that its someone's life that we are talking about, and in this case, someone who is clearly distressed, so that was insensitive, and I apologise. But I do urge you to look at it from your DP's point of view too (and him, yours) because that will make it much easier to resolve things amicably.

However, I still maintain, that the DP has equal rights to be part of the decision about the future in terms of the children and the family possessions and that the goal here should be what is best for the CHILD/REN, not best for the OP. They may be the same, but they may not:( Sadly I think that one of other of the parents is going to end up heartbroken, whatever the outcome of this, unless they manage to make a go of it:(

OP, as I have said many times throughout this thread, I wish you luck, and I hope that a happy solution can be reached for you and all of your family.

Raini

I wish there was a button for Extremely Agree With for deannatrois' post!

JodyBPM I have been thinking for a while that I just don't get why you can't believe the OP? You have obviously read other thread by the OP and have come to some opinion of her. I can understand playing devils advocate in some scenarios but why can't you just accept the OP is telling the truth?

I don't disagree with your views on how much a SAHP should be valued and respected but I feel that you just aren't listening to the OP. All we can know is what we are told, in relatity any of us could be the complete opposite to how we 'act' on here! How, in fact, do I know you are a female with children and a husband that works part time???? You could be a male banker that works all day (obviously with internet access though!)?!!! My point is that I believe what you say because really what is the point in not? I believe that you do have sympathy for the OP because that's what you say (write). Why can't you offer the OP the benefit of the doubt and offer advice for the situation as she describes it? Or just not post? (I'm not really telling you not to post as obviously how dare I do that, you have a right to post what you want as you want but if you really can't get on board with the OP I'm just wondering why you would? I hope that comes across as I mean it.:))

ETA: Sorry JodyBPM I posted as you did and my post seems a bit unfair now

samhuzz

If the OP and her ex partner aren't married does he still have the same rights to the daughter? I think it is different if they aren't married, or I might be wrong!

OP I have been in a similar situation to you and my advice is get rid! He sounds like he is using your daughter for a free ride! Get separate bank accounts straight away and if all the money you've saved is from your wages you keep it. If this turns nasty, like my ex did, he could well clear out the bank account and leave you with nothing. I was exactly like you thinking I've got to be fair etc but unfortunately people don't always play by the same rules if they think they are going to lose their meal ticket.

Good luck you deserve it and I wish you and your children all the very best for the future, it won't be easy but you have to be strong, if I did it anyone can!