How long do you wait for a proposal???

vixarooni

Bit of background on me, im 23, hes 23, been together neally 5 years. No proposal in sight. Im getting itchy, its like a natural progressive step forward. What is making this worse? Ive recently got a job as a wedding gift advisor, meeting happy couples all engaged!!

Sometimes i think perhaps he hasnt asked because we have been together since we were 19, and going along happily as we are is alot easier than actually confirming we are in this for the long haul by getting engaged. I was scared about the commitment too and at one point i kept saying i didnt want to get engaged, but now im approaching 24 my life plan is going to be put back a bit, with career, marriage, babies and children! I suppose thats one part of life men dont have to worry about, and i think to some degree alot of the older people on here. We seem to have to achieve everything in our life in what seems like 10 years!

I honestly know where you are coming from..you will have to ask yourself at some point, its either marraige, babies and me for life or you'll find someone who does.

Wickedkitten

xxvickixx wrote: »

One thing I would say that marriage gives you is the pension benefits and certain death in service rights that protect you if you are widowed, Sorry to be morbid, I don't know the details but this is why a lot of happily unmarried older couples I know have got married later in life.

My partners work actually treats us like a married couple because we have been together for so long so I already get pension and death in service benefits without us actually having to be married.

Wickedkitten

kettlefish wrote: »

If marriage really is "just a piece of paper", why the big deal about avoiding it when he knows it's what she wants? If one partner has a strong opinion on something, be that having fish and chips for tea or wanting a brown carpet, and the other partner has no real opinion, then the one without the strong opinion would tend to go along with the other one. Of course I'm not suggesting one should automatically get their own way if both have strong and opposing ideas on something, but if it really was unimportant to the man he would do it. He obviously does have a strong opinion, but that is unfortunately that now isn't the right time.

That's not how compromise works.

hieveryone

I read in a book once that the 'average' time that it took a man to propose to a woman was 18 months, and that if he hadn't asked after 7 years, he was never going to.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Maybe it's the old 'But what if I meet Scarlett Johannsen/Jessica Alba/Megan Fox and she wants to sleep with me?', ie, he doesn't want to get married in case he meets someone better in a year's time.

Heck, I've put off a couple of people (in part I was thinking in case someone better came along, but mainly because having someone telling me what I should wear, eat, say, or think so he wouldn't be looked down on by his friends was awful and the thought of giving them any legal rights made me want to hide in a textbook somewhere) - they didn't but it proved the marriage thing wasn't right for me and the proposer - and I'm no catch.

In any case, why don't you just buy yourself 5 toasters and 17 sets of teatowels - it'd be cheaper and less disappointing in the end ?

Jo_R_2

When I read this, I was curious about the worry your boyfriend has about if he proposed now, he'd be worried about you setting a date asap. From what you've said OP, it sounds like he's happy just enjoying things as they are.

Maybe he wants to have that (just you and him, carefree as you like) for a while longer? Maybe he likes the idea but it's not for him right now? It does sound like you're in different places. Having said that he has bought a house with you... So that does show a degree of commitment, albeit not the kind you're looking for right now!

Have you sat him down and explicitly explained what you want? And is it that you want him to be where you 'are' now, ie wanting to plan a wedding and looking forward to being married, or just that you need some reassurance he will be at that point at sometime in the next two years/five years/ten years?

Dinah93

To answer the original question on how long would you wait.

When my OH and I met early on he asked me 'is there anything you can think of which would mean we couldn't have a future together?' Worryingly I had a few answers!
1 - I don't want a future with a smoker. He replied with 'then I've smoked my last ciggarette' - he went from 40 a day to 0 overnight, which can't have been easy.
2 - I live in England, he lived in Ireland. 8 months after we started dating, he moved here.
3 - You've previoiusly said the time until you are 30 is for a career, I'm not waiting that long to start a family (I have high blood pressure). I told him I have a 3 year rule - if after 3 years a man hasn't proposed, he's never going to. My personal feeling is when you meet the love of your life, nothing is going to stop you being with them, a marriage doesn't limit your life - it expands it! I've left 2 men at 2 1/2 years because I realised they weren't who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and being on a timescale to have children, I wasn't going to wait around with someone nice but not quite right.

I do think there is more than a grain of truth in the saying 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' I will not be moving in to our home until the day after the wedding (well, my stuff will go over a few days earlier!), and I don't have much doubt this has moved up his timescale somewhat. I have 4 married friends, none of whom lived together beforehand. None of my friends who live together are even engaged.

Is it a marriage or a wedding you want? If a marriage, then this is an issue that needs to be addressed. Personally I wouldn't live with, or have children with, someone I was not married to if I wanted a future with them. But I could happily do without a wedding, while it is a lovely celebration, it's also costly and a lot of attention. Work out which he is opposed to, and ask yourself the question - would I be happy to be with him the rest of my life unmarried, or is marriage a deal breaker for me?

In short I would wait 3 years for a proposal, I only had to wait 14 months, and will be married at 2 years 3 months. But we were friends for nearly a year first, so its not quite as quick as it sounds!

Lisap84

OP i would just be careful in pushing him too much otherwise you will push him away. i used to be exactly the same as you as i always felt everyone was moving a lot faster than us (we're 26 and 28 and been together 8 years). you just need to take things at both of your paces and not just your own pace. at the moment so many people we know are having babies and getting married engaged etc but we're quite happy where we are at the minute so theres no need to rush. if you talk and agree that you would rather get married in 4 years then why do you need to ring now? you should trust that your relationship is strong enough and that your OH will propose nearer the time. i know with myself and BF that we have always agreed that we won't get engaged until we have the money towards a wedding as we don't need a ring just to prove we will do it some day. i don't want this to sound mean, but i would take a step back from all the wedding talk as he might well just be feeling a bit overwhelmed and scared if everyone else around him is gettin married etc. if you know he loves you and he knows you want to get married then he will ask you. just don't rush into it otherwise what will you have to look forward to in the future? just enjoy being together....

daska

Lisap84 wrote: »

if you talk and agree that you would rather get married in 4 years then why do you need to ring now? you should trust that your relationship is strong enough and that your OH will propose nearer the time.

Surely as soon as you agree to get married, whenever/wherever you plan the wedding to take place, you are engaged? A proposal doesn't have to be made on bended knee with a rose between your teeth!

skypie123_2

Can I ask everyone what is wrong with wanting a wedding AND a marriage? Its just one day and for some girls, well they dream of a lovely day, with a nice dress etc. There isnt anything wrong in that, I don't think. Its one of the biggest days of your life after all and hopefully you'll only do it once
For me, I can't explain WHY I want to be in a relationship with a man who WANTS to marry me, I just do. I'm quite old-fashioned like that. And I want a lovely day (although I couldn't imagine ever spending £15k on any day, I just don't have the money!) and I would never want a register office do (no offence to anyone who does/did it's just not for me).
It would be a deal breaker for me to be with someone who in my eyes didn't see me as special enough to be his wife. If that makes me a 'princess' then so be it. Unless you believe in Buddism we are only here the once and I want to feel special now and then.