How long do you wait for a proposal???

smorri4

hello all,

before i start i want to get a few things straight.
1. this post is not for advice as i know what my plan is, i just want to hear others experiences and views are on engagement.
2. i love my boyfriend dearly - we have been together for 7 years and i seriously cannot imagine or want to imagine my life without him.

ok, so i am 24, i have been with boyf (26) for 7 years. We bought a house in 2007 and we have two cats. My boyf is amazing, he is funny, clever, gorgeous, interesting and just overall brilliant. He supported me through 3 years at uni both financially and emotionally and has also helped me overcome an eating disorder.

so, 7 years, a house, two cats, fairly stable income good lifestyle - but absolutely no sign of him proposing. he has said over and over again he does want to do the whole marriage and kids thing but just hasn't asked yet. At one point he was saying he couldn't afford engagement - i think he thinks i want a 10k ring - 8 k will do! ha haha - no seriously i am joking. Plus he has savings - i know he has as i file all his bank statements!
Then he said it was because he didn't want to 'conform' - recently several of our friends have engaged/got hitched/or popped out a baba. The latest is that he won't ask becuase he fears that as soon as that ring is on my finger i will be setting a date - which i know is totally untrue as 1) i want a nice long engagement to 'plan' - i am a perfectionist and 2) i cannot marry to at least 2014 as i have 5 weddings UK and abroad between now and 2012 and i would never marry in 2013 as i am superstitious of 13. so 2014 i would be 28 and he would be 30.
so i have tried to reason things that way with him with no joy.

recently i have just had the attitude of put up and shut up so thats what i have been doing so i can try to appear 'cool' and not bothered about the whole issue.

so anyway what do people think? am i being unreasonable and a b***h or do i have a point? or am i being strung along? - i have a view but am interested to see what others reckon.

feedback from men and women would be ace!

ta x :T

mrcow

Why would he want to marry you? He's got everything he wants already. I think you're going to have a long wait......

ceridwen

Maybe he fears that as soon as you were married he would find you got pregnant?

If you can reassure him (truthfully....) that you wont get pregnant until x amount of time after getting married then he might feel safe to get married without thinking "The next thing is I'll find she's having a baby:eek:".

Are you sure you both think the same way about whether/when to have a baby? - so he doesnt worry that he might be "stampeded" into something before he is ready for it OR when in fact he doesnt actually intend to have one ever and hasnt known how to find a nice way of telling you.?

(I know many women go ahead and get pregnant anyway - and then maybe get married subsequently. Perhaps, though, he knows you are someone who wouldnt "put the cart before the horse" and so he is "safe" from fatherhood as long as he hasnt married you??)

smorri4

My boyf has said time and time again that he is not bothered about being married before children - he has said he would happily have kids anytime so not sure that would bother him.

i am not bothered either - i used to think you have to be married etc before kids but you don't at all.

thanks for the positive contribution to the first person who replied!

retro_bluebell

Why do you have to wait for him to do it? Why dont you ask him then if he says no you get your answer over how he feels.

Katgrit

I think you need to look carefully at your own motives. What exactly do you want? A wedding or a marriage? Think of how your boyfriend will be looking at this. Do you want to 'conform' because your friends are doing that and you want to follow suit?? If you only want to get married in 2014 whats the point of him proposing now? If you're fine as you are why spend all that money? Its gonna be a hell of a lot of cost for one day. Dont want to sound heartless honey but it sounds as if you're gonna be a bride who wants everything done her way, and that usually translates as expensive and extravagant! He's probably just dreading having 4 continuous years of having bridal magazines shoved under his nose and having his hard earned cash spent on whats nothing more than a posh frock and a big party. Blokes dont like that stuff at the best of times do they? If its the marriage you want, rather than the wedding, tell him that, and I'm sure you could rustle up a perfectly acceptable simple precious wedding day doo within 6 months.

Whats important to you here? Officially belonging to your wonderfully funny handsome caring man you want forever? Or spending money on a party? I know for me I want to be married more than i want a wedding.

smorri4

I have asked him to marry me before and he said no becuase 'he is the man, and he should ask' - my boyf is very traditional like that.

secondly i don't intend on having a 'lavish' wedding, i have max of 40 people i want to invute and don't intend on having a 'party' either. We both agree we want to marry in either italy or france, and just have a sit down meal after the ceremony - hence why i would need time to 'plan' the wedding due to going abroad.

i want to marry as I then feel totally accepted and committed, i don't care what way round i do it (kids first or second) but i do believe in the values of marriage and want that to be the basis of my relationship.

i am not a fussy demanding person, my initial query was 'why' do people think he is making me wait? and what do people think about waiting for a proposal?

whitewing

I am a planner-control freak- too. My DH never actually proposed, even though I really wanted him to, and he had agreed (as far as I was concerned) to propose by year-end! I look back and laugh, but omg how I must have frightened him. I knew he loved me dearly though. We came into a lump sum unexpectedly and used that to get married. I love being married.

My own feeling is that you are trying too hard to manage it all. Worst case, you will drive him away. Probably though, he will carry on as is, still loving you, still being gorgeous etc but just not proposing.

You can still 'plan' for your future but don't set it all in stone, and maybe keep it between the two of you. Plan for a wedding you'd like, but not necessarily a wedding with bf (if you get my drift).

Learn to trust your bf - that he will want to make you happy, but in his own time and in his own way.

You may want to look at why you want this so badly. I was desperate to be married, and I was right that being married suits me well and makes me happier than I've ever been, but I also know that I was looking for a lasting love, commitment, support and consistency that I hadn't had from my own parents growing up so had to be careful that I didn't railroad DH into doing the impossible.

mrcow

smorri4 wrote: »

secondly i don't intend on having a 'lavish' wedding, i have max of 40 people i want to invute and don't intend on having a 'party' either. We both agree we want to marry in either italy or france, and just have a sit down meal after the ceremony - hence why i would need time to 'plan' the wedding due to going abroad.

i am not a fussy demanding person,

Are you sure you're not fussy or demanding?

You've not only decided when and where you want this wedding, but also who you want to invite to it. And you're not even engaged yet! :wall:

As I said earlier - what's in it for him? He's not proposing to you because he's no reason to. He's already got what he wants.

jcr16

perhaps u need to just talk to him and let hm know how important it is to you. because from ur post it is clear that it is.show him your post .

i met my hubby in may 01, we got engaged sep 01 and married july 02. been a fairytale ever since. i was 20 and hubby 21 when got married.

robpw2

what difference will it make ? your practicall married in every sense except for the bit of paper