sister taking the pi$$

RAS

concerned43 wrote: »

Eric's mum - you may have hit something there - My sister believes she has bi-polar - I don't know anything about bi-polar so would not know the signs... to be honest i thought she was saying it in order to get DLA - now I feel guilty! I will get her to see her GP to get a proper diagnosis. Forgive my ignorance but what were the signs you picked up on? she is also tired all the time - is this a sign?

If she has been diagnosed with Bi-polar condition, she should be on medication which would stabilise her and which would reduce both the highs and the lows. When medicated properly she would be able to live a substantially normal life and undertake normal responsibilities including work.

If she is not taking her medication, then her behaviour would be either very very high, or very depressed and she would struggle to understand her responsibilities. One of my colleagues was bi-polar and he used to acheive huge amounts (of variable quality), then burn out and be off for months with depression. He used to think he did not need his medication which then tipped him into the high, when he did loads so was convinced he did not need the medication, then crashed, then he was forced to take the medication and recovered.

concerned43

Ras - she has not been diagnosed with bipolar, she thinks she may have bipolar!
thanks again for all replies - they all help! I have him tonight again and will wait to see how long it takes her to collect him. I have looked at bipolar and think she ticks some of the boxes:-
1) she is always on edge - she can't sit still for one minute, she is constantly pacing the floor, I thought this was due to her taking speed (she said she is using it in order to lose weight)...and yes I did go through the roof when she told me that and I have read up on the drug and it says it surpresses the appetite, so made sure she came over for dinner everyday so I could make sure she was eating, she promised she would not take it again!
2) she talks non-stop, quickly and loudly.
3) she does not wash - nor does her son (I make him shower now when with me).
4) her house can only be described as squalid, I gutted the place two weeks ago - took me 4 days, and found dirty dishes hidden in cupboard (they had been in there at least a month) takeaway food lying all over the floor, broken wine bottles on the floor + plus cigarette butts + clothes etc. Went into her house yesterday and its back to the same squalor.
5) she makes rash decisions - one minute she is staying at home all night - only to learn some guy has asked to meet up with her and she leaves the house at midnight (son staying with someone else when this happens) and does not come home next day - had to phone police last time it happened as I thought she had come to harm.
I am glad I started this post because up until then I had not taking all the small things and put them into the bigger picture that is now emerging. I thought I was dealing with a selfish layabout who cares only for herself but now I think there is more to it.

mr218

i think the situation is very sad. your main concern should be your nephew. how can anyone let a child live in a house like that. it will be a big responsibility but you should (and you probably already are ) do everything possible to make your nephew 's life tolerable and have some semblance of childhood

why are you opposed to him going into care. is it going to be worse than having a mother like that. i dont know i am asking as i have no idea how it is 'in care'.

the best option would be for you to foster him. how old is he? does your son get along with him. is your son amenable to that idea

you deserve a lot of kudos for being such a caring person. but maybe it is time to let go of your sister as she seems beyond redemption. focus on the nephew and do your best for him

concerned43

I could not live with myself if I let him go into care I am tying to find a solution that would not upset his life too much. He is such a lovely, kind, considerate little boy and deserves much love... that is another thing I have noticed -I have never seen him get any affection from his mother while my son and I are very affectionate with loads of hugs/kisses/ love yous and tickles....but if I show affection towards my nephew my son gets very jealous!

*Louise*

I have tears in my eyes here thinking about that poor little lad

As soon as I read your first post I thought 'sounds like someone who's child is too old for her to claim IS so she is trying to get pregnant again'

I would seriously be looking to make that poor boys life more stable, whether it means involving SS or fostering him yourself, he needs some stability in his life.
You need to have a big talk with your own son first though so he knows he is your number one priority but perhaps you can ask how he thinks you can both help your nephew/his cousin so he feels like he is involved and that his opinion matters.

Oh...and that part about your nephews dad throwing his bed out to make room for the new baby.....my god some people are so callous...:(

daska

mr218 wrote: »

you deserve a lot of kudos for being such a caring person. but maybe it is time to let go of your sister as she seems beyond redemption. focus on the nephew and do your best for him

IF the sister has a controllable medical condition then it might be as easy, or even easier, to address that problem - and if that is the case then that is what would be best for the boy involved.

TBH, even if it turns out to be an uncontrollable condition, or the decision is made that he would still be better elsewhere, then addressing it will mean that the lad will find it easier to forgive the rejection he's already experienced.

euronorris

concerned43 wrote: »

I could not live with myself if I let him go into care I am tying to find a solution that would not upset his life too much. He is such a lovely, kind, considerate little boy and deserves much love... that is another thing I have noticed -I have never seen him get any affection from his mother while my son and I are very affectionate with loads of hugs/kisses/ love yous and tickles....but if I show affection towards my nephew my son gets very jealous!

It's natural for your son to get jealous, in the same way an older sibling would when a new baby is brought home.

You need to let him know that you have enough love and affection for both of them and that will never change. I'm sure he will kick up a fuss, but you have to stand firm (although, I understand your son has learning difficulties so it may be more difficult in this case).

Once he's seen that you are still there with kisses and cuddles for him AS WELL AS his cousin, he will stop getting so jealous and accept it.

Well done you though! This is a tough situation, but you are providing your nephew with a much needed stable figure in his life.

x

daska

*Louise* wrote: »

You need to have a big talk with your own son first though so he knows he is your number one priority but perhaps you can ask how he thinks you can both help your nephew/his cousin so he feels like he is involved and that his opinion matters.

The above is a very important point.

You've said your son gets jealous when you cuddle your nephew. Has your son seen where his cousin lives? How does he feel about that? Does he enjoy his cousin's company otherwise? What's the age difference?

sueeve

Your nephew is at risk, whatever the reason for your sister's behaviour. Both from your sister and from his father, because he does not seem to be taking responsibility for his son's welfare. he obviously wants to do the best by his new family, and seems to be only able to cope with so much. However he is their child, and you cannot take this responsibilty on without it being ratified by the proper authorities. It cannot go on as it is, so even if your sister's problem can be helped by medical intervention, short term support is urgent. Things have got to crisis level. If you are worried about your sister's response to you approaching SS I am sure that his school would be onto it like a shot. The first interview might be tricky as legally they do not have to discuss the problem with you, so it would also be good to write to the head teacher explaining your concern in very general terms and requesting an interview, rather than simply ringing up. A letter on file would demand some investigation. This situation is becoming urgent, and he is so lucky to have you to care for him.

floss2

concerned43 wrote: »

...I have never seen him get any affection from his mother while my son and I are very affectionate with loads of hugs/kisses/ love yous and tickles....but if I show affection towards my nephew my son gets very jealous!

daska wrote: »

....You've said your son gets jealous when you cuddle your nephew. Has your son seen where his cousin lives? How does he feel about that? Does he enjoy his cousin's company otherwise? What's the age difference?

You need to tread very carefully to keep things to a level that your own son understands and can comprehend. Only you are the best judge of that as you know your son's level of comprehension better than any of us - our suggestions to speak to him & explain are well-meant, but from a slightly ignorant position.