sister taking the pi$$

liney

concerned43 wrote: »

Babyshoes - she has at least three B/F - none of them has met her son as she usually sees them when son is at fathers. She had the baby at 15 and it was planned as she wanted to keep (ie trap) BF. I cannot fathom her out - she likes to live life on the edge and chooses the most unsuitable men, drug users/dealers/alcoholics/criminal records (she likes the bad boys) and has no moral compass at all - which is amazing considering we all come from the same parents who are devout christians and were very strict when we were young. I believe she is an alcoholic also - tho she denies it but she does binge drink 3 nights a week and has landed in A&E many a time. Don't really know what else to do other than make sure my Nephew is alright.

Yes... and what does the child's Father think? Or are you keeping this from him?

floss2

concerned43 wrote: »

.... she likes to live life on the edge and chooses the most unsuitable men, drug users/dealers/alcoholics/criminal records (she likes the bad boys) and has no moral compass at all - which is amazing considering we all come from the same parents who are devout christians and were very strict when we were young.....

That may well be why she is now rebelling by living "life on the edge" - after all, she did not have her growing up years of late teens as she was pregnant & a new mother, and probably did not have as much opportunity to do the opposite of what her parents would have wished & probably demanded of her.

Practically, I do not know what else you can do - by caring for her son you are ensuring he does not end up being neglected (I am sure you would not be very happy if you had stopped looking after him and then found that he was being neglected), but on the other hand, by looking after him as you do you are also enabling her to do what she wants, i.e. live her life without her son.

Have you spoken to the father? Is he aware that his son spends more time with you than with his mother? Is he in a position to push for fulltime custody and would he want to?

I guess another option is to anonymously call the Benefits Fraudline or Social Services - but that is a big step to take and may ultimately result in you not seeing your nephew at all, if he is taken into care or fostered.

Are you in a position to foster him, i.e. you claim any benefit entitlement & have him for those 4 days rather than him supposedly being with his mother?

ERICS_MUM

concerned43 wrote: »

Babyshoes - she has at least three B/F - none of them has met her son as she usually sees them when son is at fathers. She had the baby at 15 and it was planned as she wanted to keep (ie trap) BF. I cannot fathom her out - she likes to live life on the edge and chooses the most unsuitable men, drug users/dealers/alcoholics/criminal records (she likes the bad boys) and has no moral compass at all - which is amazing considering we all come from the same parents who are devout christians and were very strict when we were young. I believe she is an alcoholic also - tho she denies it but she does binge drink 3 nights a week and has landed in A&E many a time. Don't really know what else to do other than make sure my Nephew is alright.

I think you've answered your own question. You obviously care for your nephew more than his parents do, poor little soul, he is lucky to have you in his life. Reading about your sister's "life style" I can't see her taking your advice and getting her act together - she seems to enjoy her life and is happy to let her son come a poor second (sorry, I don't mean this to be overly harsh).

Good luck, I really feel for you in such a difficult situation.

Linda xx

Savvy_sewing

I am caring for my Granddaughter, and Mum was not even half as messed up as your sister. i am surprised that the Social services have not intervened.

I think that there has been some sound advice. But you need to think about the Boy and not about your sister at the moment.
It is important that he is getting the best care andattention that is possible. If Mum is messed up at the moment, is it right for him to go home?
Perhaps you would be better off talking to the school. Ask them to keep an eye out on how the boy is? If he has a social worker, surely they will know that?
I personally would have to say that its so very hard. I have struggled with dealing with Social services for my grandchildren, and try to keep two of them with thier MUm, but now even though my dealing with the SW were not brilliant, I think that the system is suppose to help.
You could possibly temporarily foster him? Or if it is too much foryou, and your sister is not listening to you, for his sake you need to tell the SS.
I have a SS meeting tomorrow about the other grandchildren, and i am torn between telling them a few things about my daughter, to protect them, or to being loyal to my daughter and letting it go, supporting her myself as best as Ican?
So I can see where you are coming from. It is a dilemma I fear only you can decide.
Good luck.

concerned43

Liney - he knows all about it and has 'had words' with my sister about it calling her a disgrace! but he does not and will not take it further as he does not want the child F/T. My nephew's week comprises of staying at four different houses - mine/grandparents/mothers/fathers. His father's wife is expecting a new baby in the next week or so and has now thrown out son's bed to make room for cot- so now he can't stay at fathers house.

daska

concerned43 wrote: »

she only has her DS 4 days a week as he spends the rest with his father.

concerned43 wrote: »

The father is unapproachable and has remarried and has 2 other children and does not spend much time with his son.

The person you have to prioritise is your nephew. What does he need? Where would he be best looked after?

SS took my stepdaughter away from her mother on the basis of her being so drunk that she couldn't be relied on to feed her daughter or get her to / collect her from school on time (they had no direct evidence of other substance misuse issues at the time, only the alcohol).

Edited because cross posted. Poor kid! Both his parents are making it quite clear that they don't want him and you're picking up the pieces. Don't know what to suggest other than contacting SS and telling them all your concerns. Believe it or not there are some very good social workers out there, I hope you get one of them.

concerned43

He has asked to come live with me and has asked if he could call me mum - has also told his school he wished I was his mum! my own son gets jealous when he says this as he wants his mum all to himself.
I don't think I would be allowed to foster him as 1) I have debts 2) only work p/t on low salary 3) do not have a spare bedroom 4) i am a single parent (widow) 5) don't think my son would be happy about it.

concerned43

Mooloo - SS have been involved in the past as his father beat up my sister and threatened to kill her! nephew saw all of this and a social worker was appointed - i did not know anything about this until 2 months ago as I lived far from them and to be honest because of the large age gap my sister and I were never close!

[Deleted User]

Sorry, I wasn't inferring otherwise cause obviously u've been looking after him all this time. Its a really difficult situation.

I am wondering if u'd find the NSPCC any help. They say on their site http://www.nspcc.org.uk/helpandadvice/NSPCCHelpline/Helplines_wda67452.html?gclid=CPjRmoqVpaECFQuElAod4T_jvg that they

When you call, you’ll speak to one of our trained helpline advisors. You can discuss anything you need to about a child. We will listen and help you to explore your options.

I hope that this is able to offer some help.

daska

I think you have to draw the line at allowing him to call you 'mum' but that doesn't mean he has to call you auntie 43, perhaps you could find a name he could use that's special to him? Tante? Zia? (dredging my O level languages here LOL) It doesn't tread on your son's toes but adds to the 'belonging' he's obviously desperate for.

the only real problem I can see with your list is your son not being happy with it, but has he expressed an opinion?

SS often seem keen for family to take on children (unless there are serious problems such as violence, abuse or substance misuse) not least AFAIK because it's a relatively cheap option (pun intended). I'm not an expert in this field just going by my own experience and comments made by a friend who works in fostering/adoption.