How to come to terms with a termination.

viktory

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Sadly lots do and it may not surface for many years afterwards. It isn't possible to predict who will have problems.

Yes I know. But still...not everybody. Marywooyeah said:

marywooyeah wrote: »

tI feel that people should know the damage it does.

That is quite a sweeping statement. I am sure there are many women who have terminations and do not suffer.

I would also suggest to anyone that has had a termination and is feeling bad that the place to come is NOT an Internet forum. While there are many that are caring and can empathise, there are also many that are not caring and will think nothing of making hurtful comments. To someone feeling desperate and sad these comments could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I would suggest private counselling - or even the Samaritans if counselling is not immediately available.

Sublime_2

I'm sorry Ravenlady for whats happened to you, and how you're feeling. I hope you get the support and counselling you need, and will be able to move on from this.

Big hugs xx

tiamai_d

Are you feeling bad over the termination or that you will probably not have a baby now? I can see how the whole thing is mixed up in one big jumbled mess, but I think there are really two very different issues.

The termination, you made the correct choice at that time, so it was the correct choice for you.

Not having a baby, this is something you need to discuss with your partner and your Doctor. You need to find out what will happen with the hysterectomy, are you sure you will need one? Medicine moves that quickly, so you could have been told that before and now they may decide to do something else.

If I were you, I would go back and speak to my GP, find out exactly what is going to happen now rather than be upset over something you don't know for certain. Also keep pestering them for councilling. Do they know how bad you feel? Really press it, and don't be fobbed off with waiting lists, they can get you an appointment quicker than that!

Wish you the very best, it's not easy but I hope you manage to find the peace you deserve.

MrsTinks

I've been mulling this over since posting yesterday... and something occured to me... If your OH is the type of man to force you to have an abortion and you were weak enough to give in then imagine how he might have treated the child had it been full term... I'll give you an example from real life: A young girl had a baby - there were plenty of other problems in this situation that are not relevant to this issue, but her very controlling BF who'd left her when she fell pregnant returned after the baby was born. She welcomed him back thinking all would be rosy... with in 3 months the social services removed said child after the local A&E saw them and he had a broken arm, I'll leave you to guess who was responcible... she had had to sneak the child there for treatment... This isn't a high profile case, it's not in the papers, but I can promise you it's real. I'm by no means saying that you would be that weak, or your OH that evil - but I am sure she never thought her BF would have done that either...

Right now you do not sound like you are in a place to have cared for a small baby with a partner so unsupportive or uncaring. I've got a lovely husband and even then I can promise you that motherhood has not been a bed of roses... I wouldn't even want to imagine what it would have been had he been a manipulating control freak...

You need to make up your mind on WHAT an abortion is - if it's terminating a few cells then it's really "no biggie", if it's taking a life then obviously it's a huge thing. My view is the former, many others are in the second camp. Even my daughter was not thought of as "my daughter/child" until I had seen the first scan of her...

Once you decide then you can put that to one side and take a closer look at if your OH is infact the person you potentially want to share your life with from now on till the end. If you don't think so then he's not the right one to father your children anyway surely?

Yes I won't lie - you might never have children. I won't say I can understand how that must feel, because as a mum I never will... But I know friends who will never be mums. I dread to think how they must feel about seeing my darling girl. Then on the other hand I have recently witnessed another miracle... the adoption of a beautiful baby girl... certainly it's not the same, but that girl is loved no less and as her "parents" put it - "we can tell her that others get what they're given... we CHOSE her... that's how beautiful we thought she was" - it's obviously not entirely true but a beautiful white lie if you ask me

If motherhood is what you crave then there are ways and many children needing a loving home. If it's being pregnant and giving birth... trust me... you are NOT missing out on anything

If you can accept adoption as a way to motherhood then maybe all the scary stuff will be a lot less scary. And if it's all less serious than you fear then it's nothing but a bonus...

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to work out if your negative feelings are connected with the act itself or the possible longterm lack of children situation? It could be a combination of both in which case I think you need to address one of them at a time...

Ada_Doom

ThatElliottGirl wrote: »

I'm usually more of a lurker than a poster on these boards, but the stories I've read on this thread from women who regret having a termination have compelled me to post. In particular, Mary, I am shocked how badly you were let down by the trained medical professionals who were supposed to be helping you. I hope that you get the support you need to deal with this.

Although I've never had a termination myself, I believe that I would if necessary. I live next door to a couple with two children, the oldest of which is around 8. Although he doesn't seem terribly badly behaved, I've heard his mum scream at him regularly; two things she often says are "I wish I'd never had you" and "I should have got rid of you when I had the chance". I feel that however much I would regret a termination after the event, at least I wouldn't be inflicting that regret on the child in question.

OP, what I'm basically trying to say is that I think you have two different problems here, and that the fact that you may have to have a hysterectomy should in no way cause you to feel guilty about having an abortion. I feel that you did the right thing; I would never want to have a child who didn't feel loved by one of their parents. However, I think you would definitely benefit from receiving councelling, and 26 weeks seems a long time to wait; is there any way you could pay for a private councellor?

That Elliot girl, have you thought of talking to someone about your neighbour? I think those children are putting up with something terrible- you could look up the NSPCC of Action for Children for action you could take. I know it feels like a huge responsibility but that family really sound like they need help , and those children sound really vulnerable to me.

To the OP I have had two terminations and whilst they do not haunt my every moment, and I am 100% I made the right decisions they did take a lot of talking to work my way through, particulaly the first one. Of course its a big decision but one that you do not need to beat yourself up over forever. Talk to a friend but a dedicated group like the ones mentioned will be the most helpful I think. I hope you find some peace with yourself, and that one day you can look at your decision like I do, with some sadness but the knowledge that you were strong enough to make the right choice x

meritaten

you ask how to come to terms with the termination. You went ahead with the termination as the best thing at the time. now you regret it. dont sweety! you did what you thought was best at the time. its done. you cant change it. now you move on. but you may need to mourn the lost baby? can you do that - mourn as if the baby was still born? some mums have found it helpful to find a place where they can tie a ribbon or put a flower in remembrance of the lost baby?
I say this as someone who is against abortion - but real life sometimes dictates that things happen we regret. and I do sympathise. you feel real pain and fate is saying you are paying a harsh price. you dont deserve to be childless for evermore - its not your fault! mourn the lost one - but live your life to the best of your ability. otherwise its been in vain.

marywooyeah

viktory: I apologise I didn't mean to make a sweeping statement, I meant to say the damage it can do to some women, wrote it in a hurry.
I am sure I am in a minority of women. I feel I am traumatised by the whole thing, I know some women feel it is right for them and some feel bad and some don't, but personally I didnt want to do it, I felt like I didnt have a choice and have grieved for my child ever since.

to the poster who asked: no there wasn't a coil, but the fact that I had to go through such a degrading examination adds to the trauma.
It was less than 2 weeks after, and I thought "well if the abortion hasnt left me infertile this might".
I had a scan when I was 9 weeks which revealed a cyst on my ovary, and no one ever checked or addressed it afterwards. more than a year later my periods hadnt returned to normal and I was having pains in my side so I had to go and have a scan to see if it was still there, but it had gone on its own and the pain turned out to be a kidney infection.
I get pains since and still in my lala, and about 3 weeks afterwards all this grey matter came out, I am not sure what it was but I have always wondered if it was part of my baby.

marywooyeah

chika wrote: »

Wow, Mary for what its worth you really should see a counsellor - maybe try a few until you find one you're comfortable with. The emotion in that post was deep and it seems that you need to talk about it as you don't seem to be doing so with your OH. I wish you luck.

That being said, for some people its the right decision and there are no regrets, just relief. I do think its a decision that needs to be taken carefully however.

thankyou, I am starting counselling soon - waiting for a date

my OH is not the baby's father, I didnt tell him until a few months after we started seeing each other because I liked him so much I thought he wouldnt want me if he knew what an awful person I was.
he has been incredibly supportive, I have lost count of the hours he has spent listening to me and holding me while I pour my heart out to him. he has always dropped whatever he was doing to listen to me go over it again and again. he says he loves me unconditionally, and doesnt think that I am a bad person for doing it.
i feel I need to get better, for myself, so my OH doesnt have to keep going through it and most importantly for my son.

I can't imagine how the OP feels, people say oh you can have another baby as if this one doesnt matter/is replacable. but to feel such regret with the possibility of a hysterectomy hanging over you must be so hard, I hope there is a counselling service that can deal with the two issues at once, they all seem to be for one or the other.

GemJar_2

I know this is an old thread but I need some help and someone to talk to, if anyone out there can help me, i'd really appreciate it.

Claire_Bear

Hi there, I'd be happy to lend you an ear You can PM me if you like, but if you want to talk here about what's up I'm sure you'll find people wanting to help too xx