How to come to terms with a termination.

Bufger

Its never the end, even if your worst fears happened and you had to have a hysterectomy there are still options for you.

Talk it through with your partner including all of your fears. If he doesnt understand or isnt comforting at all then he's not the one for you and if you do have to go through hard times you wouldnt be able to rely on him.

Speak to your doctor and talk through the options. tell them you want a child and they will see what options are open for you. Adoption is also something you could eventually consider, its not for everyone but giving any special baby a loving home is always a positive thing and enriching for both.

So you have 2 things to tackle seperately which is enough to do for now, get to it!

ThatElliottGirl

I'm usually more of a lurker than a poster on these boards, but the stories I've read on this thread from women who regret having a termination have compelled me to post. In particular, Mary, I am shocked how badly you were let down by the trained medical professionals who were supposed to be helping you. I hope that you get the support you need to deal with this.

Although I've never had a termination myself, I believe that I would if necessary. I live next door to a couple with two children, the oldest of which is around 8. Although he doesn't seem terribly badly behaved, I've heard his mum scream at him regularly; two things she often says are "I wish I'd never had you" and "I should have got rid of you when I had the chance". I feel that however much I would regret a termination after the event, at least I wouldn't be inflicting that regret on the child in question.

OP, what I'm basically trying to say is that I think you have two different problems here, and that the fact that you may have to have a hysterectomy should in no way cause you to feel guilty about having an abortion. I feel that you did the right thing; I would never want to have a child who didn't feel loved by one of their parents. However, I think you would definitely benefit from receiving councelling, and 26 weeks seems a long time to wait; is there any way you could pay for a private councellor?

Bufger

ThatElliottGirl wrote: »

I'm usually more of a lurker than a poster on these boards, but the stories I've read on this thread from women who regret having a termination have compelled me to post. In particular, Mary, I am shocked how badly you were let down by the trained medical professionals who were supposed to be helping you. I hope that you get the support you need to deal with this.

Although I've never had a termination myself, I believe that I would if necessary. I live next door to a couple with two children, the oldest of which is around 8. Although he doesn't seem terribly badly behaved, I've heard his mum scream at him regularly; two things she often says are "I wish I'd never had you" and "I should have got rid of you when I had the chance". I feel that however much I would regret a termination after the event, at least I wouldn't be inflicting that regret on the child in question.

OP, what I'm basically trying to say is that I think you have two different problems here, and that the fact that you may have to have a hysterectomy should in no way cause you to feel guilty about having an abortion. I feel that you did the right thing; I would never want to have a child who didn't feel loved by one of their parents. However, I think you would definitely benefit from receiving councelling, and 26 weeks seems a long time to wait; is there any way you could pay for a private councellor?

Only an absolutely terrible parent would do that and i would hope that group of people is a minority.

I was watching a program on growing up with Autism last night, there were 2 mothers i couldnt believe:

#1 said to the camera 'he wont make anything of himself, he can only just about make himself a sandwich' infront of the son she was talking about, he was a teenager with autism finding it hard to fit in at college and when he gets home his mother basically tells him he's useless, that was helpful!

#2 said to the camera 'no i dont want him to leave home and get his own life, i would hope that he will stay with me and look after me'. So her son thats overcoming lifes daily challenges with autism is held back by his selfish mother.

Anyway, that was completely off the original topic but i was too shocked to not post it

tincat

Marywooyeah, I'm really sorry for what you went through. Did your GP find they had fitted a coil? Did you do anything about it if so?

Sorry if that's too nosy

emsywoo123

Marywooyeah, your post was heartbreaking.
Thank you for posting what must have been an incredibly difficult thing to describe.

heretolearn_2

The OP needs some counselling, urgently. Marie Stopes offer this very quickly.

Re all the other comments. It's clear that a lot of women regret this decision and suffer a great deal of anguish afterwards.

I also feel the need to point out that a lot of women have absolutely no regrets and suffer no anguish at all afterwards.

I suspect most women fall somewhere between the two extremes, some negative feelings combined with relief.

All of these responses are perfectly normal and I don't think other posters here should be passing judgement on any woman for her decision and her response to it. Some of the comments on this thread are awful. Just because you feel a certain way about abortion doesn't mean anyone who disagrees with that is 'wrong' or a bad person.

OP, I've tried to give up having regrets in life about decisions I've made and actions I've taken. It doesn't help. You can't change the past. It's easy to look back with hindsight and think 'I should have done this...I should have done that...' but the fact is that every decision you have ever taken was the right one for you at that time and place, with the information you had, and in the situation you were in. No-one takes an action thinking 'oh no, I'm doing the completely wrong thing here'.

OP, be kind to yourself. Get some help and move on, and best of luck with your health issues. Things may work out much better than you see right now.

dizziblonde

I had a termination about 7 years ago. I was in an abusive relationship at the time, condom split, morning after pill failed and in my heart I knew from the second that line came up - that it was an utterly utterly wrong situation to be in (I think my female intuition was tingling that he was cheating on me already by that point). Events subsequently proved what a violent waste of oxygen that man was - he was caught cheating, he made threats of violence and robbery against me etc etc... I'm sure you can imagine the type of man I'm describing (I'm convinced the utter dirtbags have super sperm to be honest).

When I went for the termination, I was told by the counsellor, "Whatever decision you make right now, is the right one for you." I felt I should have felt grief or something after it was over - I didn't to be honest, and after the relationship came to its inevitable firey end (I told the cheating scumbag where to stick it and changed the locks on him), I just regarded it as circumstances reassuring me that I'd made the right decision, although the Catholic upbringing in me meant I still did appreciate I'd done a very horrible deed, in a very horrible set of circumstances (I'm keeping this as moderate as I can - DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF INDISCRIMINATE GOOGLING OF WEBSITES IF YOU'RE FEELING EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE!!!!).

Time went by, I got over the abuse, met a wonderful man whose child I utterly utterly wanted, and naively assumed that as the plumbing had worked before - it would work again (the thought of the termination never was raw and painful, but was always a presence in my past if you get what I mean)... three years on, we're fighting our way through infertility and that DOES bring up a lot of mixed feelings regarding the choice I made all that time ago. Part of me feels like it's some divine punishment for sins in the past (I had a Catholic upbringing and it's always hard to shake that indoctrination), some kind of karma, and part of me does grieve and wonder if I gave up the only choice I might have had to be a mother. Yet again, another bit of me accepts that things happen, and that when you sit down and think about the logistics involved - it's a wonder anyone ever manages to GET pregnant (with wonky sperm, small windows of opportunity etc etc)! It's a very mixed up set of feelings - not so much out and out pain, and not to the level I'd need counselling to figure out and come to terms with (the infertility causes me horrific emotional pain), the termination's just something there in the past that occasionally hooks into it all I guess.

It's obviously really hurting you, especially with the potential for the hysterectomy (which seems incredibly drastic - I'm hoping they're doing the "prepare you for the worst and then the best will be brilliant" kind of routine) and I guess it kind of links with how I feel regarding the infertility that we're going through - which is why I posted. If it's hitting you that hard - you need to get counselling, and for your own sake - you need to make sure it's through a reputable organization. One thing I remember vividly from finding out I was pregnant, was hitting up the internet for information and ways forward - and finding site after site pretending to be supportive but in reality being the front for some very very nasty propaganda... you need to be very careful where you go for help if you're vulnerable as there is some pretty nasty stuff out there (yes I know it's a pretty nasty deed if you're so minded to view it as such - but I really think it's a "there but for the grace of god go I" situation in many cases - in mine, two forms of contraception failed) so be careful. GP/Marie Stopes seems the best way forward.

Torry_Quine

Thanks for posting dizziblonde. You express only too well the feelings women can have after a termination. I agree that counselling is the way forward. I hope that everything works out for you.

viktory

marywooyeah wrote: »

I feel that people should know the damage it does.

To some. Not everyone that has had a termination suffers heartrending guilt and anguish.

Torry_Quine

viktory wrote: »

To some. Not everyone that has had a termination suffers heartrending guilt and anguish.

Sadly lots do and it may not surface for many years afterwards. It isn't possible to predict who will have problems.