How to come to terms with a termination.

Torry_Quine

Ravenlady wrote: »

I had a TOP in january this year, I was caught pregnant after only being with my partner a few months. it seemed the logical thing to do? he didnt want it, i couldn't have a half wanted baby. The choice was him or the baby.

I now deeply regret my decision, resent him and to make matters worse i have had another abnormal (cin3) smear test, after many colposcopy visit, leets and biopsies i hoped the cells had gone away.

Unfortunatly that was my last chance, i have been warned i will need a hysterectomy if the next smear is not clear after treatment.


Any advice? My gp says it will take 26 weeks to see a councellor

Two organisations that can help

careconfidential.com
bvafoundation.org

They both offer free one to one counselling either face to face or via the telephone. There is no charge and they should be able to see you within days. They are totally non-judgemental and can really help.All counsellors are fully trained.

Hope that this helps and you get the help you need and deserve

McKneff

A very close relative has gone through this.
Get your counselling, it does help enormously.
Plant a tree in a park.
I wish you healing and peace of mind.

samandona

Just want to lend my support to pigpen and MrsTine. I had a miscarriage last April. I didn't know I was pregnant but had I found out, I would have terminated the pregnancy. My partner at the time actually said he was "glad" I had miscarried when I eventually told him. What sort of parent would he have made? I certainly see that as a blessing in disguise.

I think pregnancy only become as important as you make it. For some people, having a termination is the best decision of their life. As pigmen said, if you want it to be no more important than picking a new pair of shoes, then why should it be?
Clearly, for others, this is a huge decision and they spend the rest of their life wondering 'what if'. That doesn't really do a whole lot of good. As others have said. What's done is done and you can not change it. Instead, try to look for a way to cope with the obvious grief you are feeling. Some people have suggested some great ideas above.

And McKneff......as for you're life changing forever....every decision you ever make changes your life forever; where you go to Uni, who you have sex with, which company to work for, where to go on holiday, what flavour muffins you decide to bake. Everything will have an effect on your life that would not have happened, had you made a different decision. Termination is, in that respect, no different.

marywooyeah

sorry for the long post. I was pressured into a termination when I was 19 by my ex at 11 weeks and 4 days. I often wonder how they work out the days bit, and think it is highly likely I could have been over the 12 week mark.
I didnt want to do it and I told the staff there repeatedly that it was because my bf wanted it and not me, but I lived with him and he was going to kick me out if I kept the baby so we would be homeless, I was on an 8hr contract at work so SMP would have been around £30 a week, and I couldnt see how I could afford to be on my own with a baby. ex bf used all of these factors and said it was for the best, but I never wanted to do it. when I was being put to sleep they didnt say ok heres the anastethic, I just felt sleepy and realised what was happening and said "no I don't want....", next thing I knew I woke up in a lot of pain and realised my baby was gone. I was hysterical and crying and screaming that I didnt want to do it and kept trying to sit up but fell back because it hadnt all worn off. A Dr patted my hand and said "there there its just like normal period pain", and I felt like asking him how he knew what that was like". the "counsellor" who I spoke to before came over and I said how could you I said I didnt want to and she rolled her eyes, huffed and said "no you didnt" then she made me apologise to her! another male staff said "its ok you can always have another baby later" I said "it can make you infertile"
I put my things in a locker when i got to the hospital, and they gave a me a key on a chain round my neck, now they were suddenly on my bed, so someone had taken it off me while I was unconcious and picked up all my things. I said I needed the toilet and that man took me. I sat down, looked down and the toilet seat and bowl and top of my legs were covered in blood, it was dripping down the bowl. I screamed, and then realised he had left the door open and medical staff were walking past seeing me sat on the toilet. I didnt go, I just stood up and he took me back to the bed. they wouldnt let me leave, they took me to a private room and someone had put hospital slippers on me, one fell off on the way to the room and the nurse told me off for losing it. when i got to the room, they left and i was on my own in the bed. they handed me over to a nurse and said she just had an abortion and is behaving hysterically (by now I had calmed down but was shaking and crying quitely), then he said i took her to the toilet but she didnt manage to go, and for some reason she seems to think we have left her infertile and him and the nurse laughed. I was alone for a while, got up to go to the toilet and the sheets on the bed had blood on, and they had left the anastetic needle in my hand which i had to pull out myself. a while later a nurse came in and sat down with some notes, and said "i see at the same time you had a coil fitted" (the "counsellor" had tried to talk me into one, which I kept saying no to but she kept pushing it telling me I couldnt take the pill again because it didnt work for me, so i eventually said yes to shut her up, then said I didnt want it when she said they would do it at the same time. I remember think "so they will tear my unborn child out of me and replace him with a bit of metal", I couldnt bear the thought of a metal thing being inside me) I said no I said I didnt want a coil and if there is one I will sue. she said ok I will find out and walked out of the room. I waited a while and she didnt return, then a nurse came in and i told her I wanted to go home, she made me sign a form saying I was leaving against the advice of a dr, but no dr had advised me to stay.
I had to get 2 buses home alone, my bf stayed for an hour then went to work. i bled heavily and was in a lot of pain. I bled for nearly a week, then I had to be examined at my gp to see if there was a coil because i didnt know. 2 days after my bf told me to leave, and I said but you said if I did it everything would be ok. he laughed in my face and said "i know, but if i hadnt of said it you would have kept it".
I tried to kill myself a few weeks later, I was reffered to a counsellor who shouted at me. For a long time I just wanted to die. I have the scan photos from 9 weeks, in the picture the baby is sucking his thumb. Everytime I look at it it kills me.
I think about it every single day, I can't go for more than an hour without thinking about it. It consumes my life, my OH is used to me bursting into tears or disappearing on my own for a while to have a cry. I cannot describe the pain I feel, I don't think I will ever stop feeling this way. my life is so good now, I am getting married to a wonderful man and we have a gorgeous son, but having my son made me feel so much worse about this. I feel guilty for murdering one child and being a brilliant loving mother to the next. I hate myself, and I dont think the guilt will ever go away.
OP I am sorry you feel this way I truly am. I feel traumatised by the actual procedure and aftermath, I hope yours was not as bad.
I have signed up to start "The Journey" from careconfidential because another user posted it on another board, I will try and find the link. I really hope it will help me, maybe you should try counselling by going through your gp or through careconfidential. I also had a book called "A season to heal" from amazon which I found helped. I would be willing to post you my copy if you pm me your details. I hope you find some peace and have support around you, feel free to pm me if you would like xxx

Money_maker

Heart rending post, Mary - can so feel your pain.

Hugs to both you and OP x

marywooyeah

thankyou, although I have not written it so people will feel sorry for me, I believe I deserve to feel this way for doing such an awful thing, I feel that people should know the damage it does. I hope the OP knows there are loving people on these forums who care and offer support.

chika

Wow, Mary for what its worth you really should see a counsellor - maybe try a few until you find one you're comfortable with. The emotion in that post was deep and it seems that you need to talk about it as you don't seem to be doing so with your OH. I wish you luck.

That being said, for some people its the right decision and there are no regrets, just relief. I do think its a decision that needs to be taken carefully however.

Hectors_House

seafarers_wife wrote: »

.....as even though we werent in a decent place financially we could have managed and it was me being selfish and wanting more us time and chickening out of telling my parents about my finances that led to why we had a termination.

That was incredibly brave of you to admit that sea_farers_wife.

Although this is a difficult thing for those of you that have had to make this decision to talk in an open forum about I'm sure all views will help the OP to, hopefully be able to move on and not beat herself up tover the decision she made.

I certainly wouldn't know how I'd react in the OP's situation but am glad the option to terminate is there.

Hectors_House

If it helps you in any way Mary I went around and around in circles as you are recalling the smallest details when I was raped.

It's a soul-destroying trap your mind gets you in - I only broke out of it when I had a nervous breakdown that forced me into counceling (I had been too afraid to go into it before cus I stupidly thought I wasn't strong enough to face it when, in fact I was doing myself more harm thinking like that...and, as with many survivors of rape I thought I had to cope with it myself because I was somehow 'to blame' for it happening).

Please look at some of the links others have posted and find someone impartial to speak to.

We all make decisions in our lives that we then regret but your life doesn't have to be consumed and shredded by them.

aliasojo

Ravenlady wrote: »

I now deeply regret my decision, resent him and to make matters worse i have had another abnormal (cin3) smear test, after many colposcopy visit, leets and biopsies i hoped the cells had gone away.

Unfortunatly that was my last chance, i have been warned i will need a hysterectomy if the next smear is not clear after treatment.

It's not 'just' the termination that's caused these feelings imo. If there were no other health issues and your B/F had been more supportive of you, I think you would have coped much better and whilst it still would not have been an easy decision, I think it wouldn't have weighed as heavily on you as it does now.

I do think counselling would be good for you, I think you need to come to terms with your health problems as well as your feelings about your B/F and the termination. 26 weeks is a ridiculous length of time to wait when you feel this way every day, try contacting one of the organisations in the posts above, even as a stop gap.

You will feel better, even although getting there is hard. Good luck, I wish you strength.