How to come to terms with a termination.

Ravenlady_2

I had a TOP in january this year, I was caught pregnant after only being with my partner a few months. it seemed the logical thing to do? he didnt want it, i couldn't have a half wanted baby. The choice was him or the baby.

I now deeply regret my decision, resent him and to make matters worse i have had another abnormal (cin3) smear test, after many colposcopy visit, leets and biopsies i hoped the cells had gone away.

Unfortunatly that was my last chance, i have been warned i will need a hysterectomy if the next smear is not clear after treatment.

Any advice? My gp says it will take 26 weeks to see a councellor

pigpen

My sister had several smears and was told her daughter would be delivered by section and they'd do a hysterectomy at the same time... it isn't cancer.. yet.. 10 months after her daughter was born she got the all clear.. without the hysterectomy.. don't be too hasty to be pushed into something as extreme as this!

As for the termination.. it was the right decision for you at that moment in time. Some find it difficult to deal with how blunt I am about such things but I just consider it a blob of cells... if you had miscarried it would have been the same ball of cells and snot.. the fact you chose to not proceed with it is irrelevant.. it is done.

It isn't Oh's fault, unless he forced you into it, which it sounds like he might have done (apologies if not).. in which case I would be very angry not resentful. I think you need to seriously consider your options right now today.. forget the termination, there isn't anything you can do to change it, it was one minor act in the whole of your life.. it is, compared to so many other things, completely insignificant.. though it may not seem it at the moment.. the decision to have a baby is momentous, the decision to not have one is just a decision.. for me.. like choosing new shoes.. a bit of hassle, a bit of indecision..

Today.. look at where your relationship is going.. would you want a baby with this man? Would you be forced into the same situation as before if you did? If a baby is now something you want in your life I would move quickly.. and I absolutely would not allow my decisions to be made on threats or bullying from someone else.. you have to do what is right for you.

The feelings associated with the termination are hormone fuelled and backed up by your anxiety and fear over the recent smear results.. look beyond that.. write endless lists if you need to.. pros and cons, future plans, anything

It is a crappy place to be.. but don't let dwelling on the past rob you of a future.

What do YOU want?

McKneff

OP - ring Marie Stopes - they will counsell you for free, even over the phone.

Ignore the previous post on this thread, only you know how you feel about all of this , it wont help,
Each individuals way of coping is different.
All the best to you.

'Pair of shoes' indeed

Molly41

I agree it cannot in any way be likened to making a trivial decision about a pair of shoes. I had four babes after having had treatment for a CIN3 smear test so please have hope for future. You do have a future and you will come to terms with your termination. Do your employers have an Occupational Health counsellor - which you could confidentially access?

pigpen

Obviously others have never been in a remotely similar position to be able to offer any advice.. maybe their opinions are less important!

The point being made (for those with absolutely no clue about such situations) is that it isn't a life changing decision to have a termination, it affects there here and now and you do move on.. yet it is to have a child.. one you commit to carrying on your 'usual' life.. the other changes everything..

seafarers_wife

I had a termination a couple of years ago and I regret the decision every day of my life. I dont resent my oh at all (well sometimes i do, but not as much as i used to just after it) as even though we werent in a decent place financially we could have managed and it was me being selfish and wanting more us time and chickening out of telling my parents about my finances that led to why we had a termination.

We were all set to go through with the pregnancy, had discussed childcare, finances and everything, but it counted on me telling my parents that i had 8K on a credit card plus the loan that they knew about and i couldnt do it. i didnt want to have to go cap in hand to my parents begging for help and i didnt want to have to struggle financially with a baby as i wanted to be able to give up work and be a stay at home mum but with my credit commitments we just couldnt afford it.

I would go and get counselling as i got very depressed soon after and ended up loosing a job that i had just started but the counselling helped me a great deal. Did you not get a leaflet about counselling when you went for the counseltation? If you have counselling availible through work or even a free helpline to talk about stress then make the use of it. if you can afford it even pay privately as it does help.

Do any of your friends and family know that you had a termination? My mum knew as i oculdnt keep something like that from her and it was a huge help being able to talk to her about it.

I know its not easy, but the pain does get easier and some days it seems to go away completly until i see something that reminds me and then it comes back for a while.

pm me if you need to talk more.

gxx

mrbrightside842

pigpen wrote: »

Obviously others have never been in a remotely similar position to be able to offer any advice.. maybe their opinions are less important!

The point being made (for those with absolutely no clue about such situations) is that it isn't a life changing decision to have a termination, it affects there here and now and you do move on.. yet it is to have a child.. one you commit to carrying on your 'usual' life.. the other changes everything..

It's a life changing decision to the baby.

pigpen

depends on whether you think of it as 'a baby' or not..

McKneff

You have no idea what any others of us have gone through pigpen.
It is a life changing decision, maybe not as major as having the baby but
life 'as usual' has gone forever. You have to live with what you have done,
find a way of accepting it and move on, but it will never be forgotten.

If you managed to convince yourself that it was no different to choosing a pairof shoes then God help you.

Let me ask you one thing, what were your actual views before hand.

MrsTinks

mrbrightside842 wrote: »

It's a life changing decision to the baby.

And equally it may have been the right decision for the baby to not bring it into a world unwanted and only partially loved...

You did it because you thought it was the right thing at the time. You knew there was the possibility that you may have problems in future -you made an informed adult choice.

Yes you might regret it now, same as I regret many things in my life, I regret letting my friends drive off up a mountain, one of them died, I regret not calling another friend when I thought I should have done... she passed away unexpectedly that evening at 21 years old... I regret not staying in touch with a school friend... he killed himself...

We ALL have things we regret... would things have been different if I'd made different choices... Well ofcourse they might... but it could be someone else had died instead, and in your case then you may have miscarried given the problems or something could have gone wrong and you may have ended up dead yourself. You cannot keep mulling over the what if's... you did what you did. That's it. Learn from it, move on.

I haven't had a termination but yes I would have if I fell pregnant at the wrong time. I had a miscarriage when I was much younger - looking back it was a blessing for all 3 of us - it would never have been a happy loving home, it would have been a bitter and angry world until we would have invariably split up and then it would have been two bitter hateful parents fighting over the poor child... Would I have terminated then? Possibly if pressured by my then partner. And HAD that happened I know it would have been nothing but an excuse for me to openly hate him for something.

Take a long deep look and see if you actually want to be with your OH - I suspect this is at the root of a lot of your anger and doubts right now...

For what it's worth? Yes I think it was the right thing to do...

brokeinyorkshire

pigpen wrote: »

As for the termination.. it was the right decision for you at that moment in time. Some find it difficult to deal with how blunt I am about such things but I just consider it a blob of cells... if you had miscarried it would have been the same ball of cells and snot.. the fact you chose to not proceed with it is irrelevant.. it is done.

the decision to have a baby is momentous, the decision to not have one is just a decision.. for me.. like choosing new shoes.. a bit of hassle, a bit of indecision..

The feelings associated with the termination are hormone fuelled
?

Irrelevant????

Not to the OP.

Have you ever been in that place?

Judging from your ' blunt ' comments i think not!

OP. I believe it is normal to feel the way you do. It may not mean much now but time will heal the pain.

Having to wait so long for counselling is terrible. Is there anyone else you can talk to? Someone mentioned Marie Stopes?

Your feelings are not hormone fuelled. You are grieving.

I have been where you are OP and i already had two children when i made the decision. I had counselling and it did help but IMHO only time heals.

Wishing you healing and peace.