Its a wonderful life... Want to try.....?? A Single parents View.. !!xx!

WestieFan

Sarahsaver, I was worried too about what would happen to my kids if anything happened to me. It used to keep me awake at night and I just lived for the day when my youngest hit the age of 16. (That sounds like I was wishing her childhood away but I don't mean it like that.)

The DSS or whatever they are called certainly don't make it easy. Even with part-time work, you have to get the magic '16 hours' to be able to top up with WTC, so that you can come off IS. When I was on IS, you could earn £15 before it affected benefit. I don't know what it is now though, so working part-time can be a lot more hassle than people think too.

Mandi, don't ever think you are wasting your life. It might not be going the way you would wish at the moment, but if there's a will there's a way, and things will fall into place when the time is right. Just don't take your eye off the ball and prepare for when that day comes. Good luck to you, all of us and happy birthday to Margaret!

Sarahsaver

I looked after my sister after my dad died, when I was 15, and also cooked meals for mum sis and me, otherwise I don't think mum would have managed. She was depressed understandably. There was no other option and I feel I am a better person for having been through it.
We try and stop kids from growing up now, at the same time dressing pre teen girls like sluts. What a mixed up society. I wanted a babysitter and they wouldnt come unless they had a taxi back! This is a friends daughter. She could have got the bus, she is 16!!!
Anyone who knows me from the old style board, why i am so old fashioned is My parents were from the war generation, and they left school aged 14 and 15. I am 35 but I have their wisdom and their knowledge from their experiences. Then growing all our own veg and cooking cheap nutritious food at the age of 15 when my school mates were watching telly!
People were so cruel - days after Dad died they asked mum if she would ever marry again!

Becles

I cooked meals for the family from about aged 12 and learned useful household skills. It never did me any harm, and considering many of my sons friends live on nuggets & chips or ready meals, I'm proud I can put a home cooked meal on the table for my boys.

I'm teaching mine to cook now. The 9 year old can cook a meal, but I still like to supervise him with knives and hot things. In few years I'll be happy to let him cook alone though.

margaretclare

Thanks to all for the many birthday greetings! Surprising and heart-warming. I'm going to have to resist falling into the 'elderly woman' stereotype and prefixing every remark with 'I'm 71 you know....'

Oddly enough no one ever asked me if I would remarry, in fact I think most people assumed I wouldn't. When I got together with DH I was even criticised by various older women that I knew who said things like 'I don't know how you can do it, why aren't you happy to be a widow, live on your memories, if it was me I wouldn't want to have another man in my home and in my bed'. They would all give instances of 'how they could have' but 'preferred being a widow and living on memories'. This really said to me that their first experiences of matrimony had not been all that happy, and they preferred the 'memories' which can be edited, remember the good times and edit out all that was less good.

I firmly believe that all young people should learn essential skills like cooking as early in life as possible. And also to get interested in the natural world, plant a seed and wait for it to grow, respect nature, too many people today seem not to care where they leave their rubbish and what happens to it - like glass bottles acting as a magnifying-glass and causing fires everywhere now the countryside is so dry.

I never realised for many, many years, that I must have had a very 'deprived' childhood. Way out in the country, no radio or TV, no electricity, no bathroom, no father! But do you know, I don't ever remember being hungry, cold, badly-shod or without the very basic essentials of life. This is down to the people who loved me and gave me the best that they could in spite of their own difficulties. They gave me their own strong values about thrift and the essentials of life, and I also acquired the belief that anything I wanted was down to me, no one else. I don't mix much with people my age because so many of them whinge about previous governments, they didn't get what they were promised....well, so what? No one ever said that life would be fair. When you get news like yesterday, it tends to put a lot of things into perspective. We've flown the Atlantic - doesn't bear thinking of.

Best wishes to all of you

Margaret

taxi97w

Thankyou Krisskross & Murtle for responding to BS comment about my youngest 2 being a burden on my eldest. I didn't feel I needed to respond to this, but your comments ring true for our situation, so I appreciate your insight.On to a possible positive note- I think I am lucky to have a temp job that has gone on for nearly 2 years now. Not long ago the company I worked for wanted to take me on permanently but I declined. One main reason why I am skint all the time is because I put money away each week towards money to live on in the school holidays. So being a temp, I can take 6 weeks off during the holidays, and the company just gets in another temp for the 6 weeks or whatever while I'm away. I must say, I have the fear everytime that the replacement temp will be better than me and one day the company will say I am no longer needed, but like I say, it's been nearly 2 years now, and that is probably just an irrational fear. Anyway, thank God for temp work.

black-saturn

Your very lucky you can do that. As i said in this post my children are not ready to be left alone yet.

black-saturn wrote:

My DD1 is the same. Theres no way shes emotionally ready to be left with a childminder, after school club or on her own. People don't realise what some of these children have been through.

loopy-loo73

black-saturn wrote:

Theres no way shes emotionally ready to be left with a childminder, after school club or on her own. People don't realise what some of these children have been through.

I totally agree with you. I left my ex when DD was 18months old. She hadn't directly seen anything bad, but i guess hearing screaming and banging is not the best way to spend your 1st few months.
I remember shortly after i moved home my dad saying he would mind her while i had 1/2 hour to myself. So i ran myself a bubble bath & made a cuppa, all with DD helping. My dad picked her up & as i shut the door to the bathroom she just started screaming! My dad passed her back to me & she was fine! Ok so this was silly right ... my dad said she would be fine after a few minutes so i was to shut the door and give him 5 mins to take her mind off me not being there, if she hadn't stopped i could come back ... i really did need a bit of a break but you can't relax when your kids are so obviously upset can you. Anyway ... she stopped crying & i enjoyed my 1/2 hour of peace ... crept upstairs afterwoods to dry my hair & didnt hear crying again until i came back down ... my dad had taken her out in the buggy for a walk & she had screamed the whole time ... god i felt awful but as soon as she saw me she stopped!
Anyway the point of all that was to tell you it gets better slowly. DD is a happy well adjusted 9yr old who never sees her father. Loves being with her Grandad & Nanny (no screaming now!) and is happy to leave me (school clubs & dancing each week). I used to get comments about her father ... why did he do X to you ... how did he make you cry on Y occassion ... and i realise that no matter how small they are events can have a terrible effect (and she must have seen and remembered more than i thought).
When i got engaged DD asked if OH could please adopt her as she thought he would make the best dad in the world & she loved him as much as i did ... i was so happy i cried.
Don't listen to anyone else when they try to tell you when you should leave your kids or what's best for them, always trust your instinct and it will get better, i promise.
Lou.

Fran

Interesting thread!

missk_ensington

Hi there,

I'm a bit late to this thread but THANKYOU to the OP for standing up to such prejudice. YES many single parents are, as you say 'Vicky Pollard' but there are also many exceptions...young single parents like myself get twice as much grief as divorced single parents.

I was 17 when I was pregnant, 18 when I had oli. Had him 7th Jan 04, in May I started my Alevels and completed them Summer 05 (in just over a year)getting AAC, went to uni and have now completed my 1st year (getting a 2:1 for my first year).

My typical week:

Monday:
Up at 6.30 dress, wash, breakfast for me and Oli leave house at 7.30am, drop Oli at nursery and commute to Lancaster. Arrive at Lancaster 9.00. Go to Lectures/Seminars until 4pm, commute home.
Colect Oli at 5.30pm go home, make dinner, play with Oli. 8pm bath Oli put him to bed. 8.30pm get out my reading list....analyse and annotate Books 3 and 9 of Paradise Lost and compare with 2 contemorary poems. Write up to approx 1000 words.
12midnight, quick clean up, iron, get ready for bed.
12.30-1am go to bed.

Tue- Get up at 7.30am wash dress to nursery, commute to Bolton for 9am for work. Work until 5pm and go home, dinner...bed for Oli at 8pm. Sweep/mop floors, more ironing. Stop at 10 to watch Love Island. Might actual get a little free time this evening.

Wed- same as Tuesday (house is being renovated, so evening spent cleaning brick dust, stripping wallpaper, wiping new kitchen to put food away again.

Thursday- Back at uni so same as Monday, but will stay at uni until 10pm because the ex will get Oli from nursery and have him until Saturday morning. Might get home at 11.30, if pubs open will run next door and have a quick glass of wine before bed.

Friday- back to Bolton. Home at 5pm, no child so will make strat on 3500 words essay on 'Victorianism is too broad a term to represent literature from 1837-1902. Discuss' (Will probably still be doing this at 4am)

Saturday- 10am drive 70 miles to Blackpool to collect Oli from Dads.

Rest of weekend running around after 2 year old, cleaning, attempting to do something family orientated like feed the ducks.

I'm lucky that Oli goes away for 36 hours of the week, otherwise I'd probably be dead or having a nervous breakdown by now!

Young/tennage single parents aren't all lazy and sitting on their backsides claiming benefits (although during my A levels I had to claim Income Support as Sixth Form was Mon-Fri 9am-4pm +studying)

Don't have any family either, I live 60-70 miles from my Mum in Blackpool and don't have many friends where I live as I don't get out to meet anyone! Still, I;ve bought my own house, I'm developing it (very stressful with child!) and I will do well, but it wouldn't be due to any encouraging words from the public or locals, and the Daily Mail who think single parents are the root of all evil!

One Dail Mail journalist even wrote in an article regarding people living longer and not enough young people 'Thank god for teenage !!!!!s'!!! Really not the case at all.

westernpromise

Miss Kensington, I want to marry you. You are not just coping, you are storming ahead and setting a brilliant example. If you are also a demure brunette with curves, the matter is settled - I am coming looking for you, with a diamond, and I am not taking "I don't" for an answer....

Here's my other half's day in contrast to yours.

09.30 Wake up. Feed 3 year old and 8-month-old. Takes about an hour and half.
11.00 Dress 3 year old and 8-month-old. Empty dishwasher (onto the counters, not into the cupboards). Refill dishwasher. Load washing machine.
12.00 Two cleaners arrive to clean house, empty washing machine, and iron laundry.
12.30 Leave cleaners in house and go to local cafe for lunch. Wait to let the gardeners in first, if it's a Wednesday.
14.30 Go to park and / or playground.
16.00 Go to Mother. Phone Daddy to find out when I'm getting home. Have nap with children. When children wake up, drive to Waitrose, leaving children with Mother.
19.00 Daddy arrives home.
19.05 Get home, carefully timing arrival after Daddy is already home to an empty house. Get Daddy to empty shopping and children out of the car, then get him to cook dinner.
21.00 Do some tidying up while Daddy baths children.
22.00 Eldest finally in bed - not tired sooner due to lie-in and 2-hour early evening nap. No problem though, Daddy's home, so he can deal! Daddy reads up to 5 stories to eldest.
23.00 Go to bed with youngest, wondering when Daddy will potty-train the eldest, as it's getting hard to find nappies big enough to fit a 3-year-old. Too busy to do this oneself.
01.30 Daddy goes to bed (in his own bedroom) after either dealing with the admin, or going for a midnight burn in the car with the roof down. He is too busy to do this sooner.
08.00 Daddy leaves for work.

That's not a parody by the way - it's based on the reports I get during the day and what I observe at weekends.

I think if I was going to leave, I'd share some of the SP's concerns above about how effectively the OH would cope left alone. Still, Miss K could do the extra childcare and I'll write the essays on Milton - I did my degree in English too and I probably still have them all somewhere. ** thinks: if I merged my old stuff on Samson Agonistes into the Thomas the Tank Engine stories I read the eldest at bedtime, she'll fall asleep quicker!! It always had that effect on me!! "One day, on the island of Sodor, an Israelite engine called Samson was very unhappy. "Here I am, eyeless in Gaza, at the mill with slaves!" he grumbled...**