Its a wonderful life... Want to try.....?? A Single parents View.. !!xx!

looby75

I live in the north east in a small ex mining village, which might account for some of the attitude. I'm also not from the area, moved there just before I got married so.

Seriously it does happen, I was young and people assumed I was a single mother. The nurse in the hospital when I went for my first anti-natal check up here (moved when I was 6 months pg) filled in the forms with father n/a, without even asking me. My MIL had come to the appointment with me as my dh had an exam in college that day, it was her that noticed it and pulled the nurse up about it. She said that they often did that with young mums so as not to embarrass or upset girls who's boyfriends had dumped them when they got pg. They only ever asked fathers details if the father was at the appointment.

This is, well 14 years ago now. Hospitals might be better but the general attitude of the public isn't. Just look at some of the comments posted on this thread alone, never mind this site, about chavs popping the kids out one after another, never doing a days work in their lives and living off benefits for ever.

lancsman_2

Everyone will always have different personal experiences. An earlier post mentioned single dads being handed everything on a plate, it probably does happen to some as it does to some single mothers but never in my personal experience. In all honesty my views of single parents were probably more in line with stereotyping than personal knowledge, until of course I was left in the same boat. Then I realised what a bloody hard job it is, a job which I didn't choose but have had to adapt to. I have even got to the point of enjoying some aspects of it, no nagging wife can be a great advantage:rotfl:

Queenie

looby75 wrote:

.....

This is, well 14 years ago now. Hospitals might be better but the general attitude of the public isn't. ....

That's not been my experience My eldest 'child' is 26yo and my youngest is now 11yo. which pretty much covers the timespans you've quoted. I don't wear a wedding ring (a choice not a reflection on my status) and I've never come across the attitudes/comments you are describing. Not in the large City I lived in, the smaller town I've lived in; nor the small villages up North I've stayed in or the small villages down South that I've stayed in.

Maybe I'm not sensitive to or tuned in to those comments/stares

The only thing I have come across which left me at first and then :rotfl: was at the local library when I was trying to sort something out on youngest's library card ... they asked for his name - gave them his forename ... but they simply couldn't find him on their computer. Turns out, they typed in his forename as his surname!! "Oh we can't take it for granted that the children have the same surname as their parent" :rotfl:

Edinburghlass_2

I must confess to "assuming" a very young girl with her new baby that I saw on a bus this week was probably un-married but in fact what I was thinking when I saw her was how much she adored this gorgeous little bundle.

She sat gazing at the baby and kissing his head and everyone round about was smiling thinking how lovely and I thought that little baby will have a grand life with his young mum no matter who else is in his family.

oh and you know what when that young girl got up to get off the bus three people round about helped her with her rucksack and parcels.

Broken_hearted

Oh Looby some people are just awful.
I've never had people making comments about me being a single parent, but when I used to work nights. My neighbour told everyone what a lazy beep I was not getting out of bed on a morning and how I must be on benefits. This was just after we bought the house so gawd knows how she thinks we paid for it. Thankfully she moved away after a few months

Chrysalis

Has anyone asked the question why we have a record number of single parents and the highest in europe? We also have the highest teenage pregnancy rate in europe.

Without offending anyone how many people here had a child before they got married and how many within the first year of marriage?

All the women I know with children have said they find DWP staff to be alot more sympathetic to them, for example my sister sent her husband to sort a benefit problem and the DWP were horrid to him, she went herself and took her kid with her and the visible child appeared to make them much more generous, its harder to tell someone they have to wait some weeks for claim to be processed when they have a little child sitting next to them, also might be why I seen so many kids running around the housing benefits waiting room. A friend I know also happens to think she got treated more easy then her boyfriend by the job centre.

Single dads are probably held in higher regard I would expect because its common for men to leave a family behind and go for an easier life so single dads are much more rarer.

I wont judge anyone here as I dont know their circumstances enough, but what I will say is if you have a child during a rocky relationship I think thats irresponsible you should certianly make sure the relationship is rock solid before making the commitment, I know of women who have a child to try and lock their boyfriend into the relationship and I think this is totally irresponsible and more often then not ends up with the father leaving and the mother been a single parent, if you are a mother at 18 or earlier how long have you been in a serious relationship for? most people at that age havent got the experience to know what they want in life yet and I feel thats too young to commit yourself to a child. Yet the legal age of consent is 16 2 years below that.

looby75

Chrysalis wrote:

I wont judge anyone here as I dont know their circumstances enough, but what I will say is if you have a child during a rocky relationship I think thats irresponsible you should certianly make sure the relationship is rock solid before making the commitment, I know of women who have a child to try and lock their boyfriend into the relationship and I think this is totally irresponsible and more often then not ends up with the father leaving and the mother been a single parent, if you are a mother at 18 or earlier how long have you been in a serious relationship for? most people at that age havent got the experience to know what they want in life yet and I feel thats too young to commit yourself to a child. Yet the legal age of consent is 16 2 years below that.

As you have quoted my exact circumstances about being pg at 18 I assume you are talking to me (apologies if not)

I was with my dh for 3 years before we got married, and my dd was born shortly after that. I was actually on the pill when I got pg and was at college doing A-levels. The pill I was on has actually been withdrawn now because of the higher than average failure rate. I didn't even know that I was pg until I was 4 months gone, so aborting wasn't an option for me, not that I could have done that anyway.

We had been happily married for 7 years before we decided we were in good position to have another child, sadly I had a mc at 10 weeks. I got pg again a couple of months later with my ds. He was a difficult baby to say the least and with hindsight (which is always 20/20) we prob started trying again far too soon after the mc which affected us really badly. Dh and I did start to drift apart when my ds was 2, and I tried to get dh to go to marriage guidance, but he wouldn't...probably because by then he was too busy with his bit on the side to be bothered. (yes I am bitter)

Anyway we had been married 11 years when he walked out. That's a lot longer than some marriages last in this day and age.

Chrysalis

thanks for been brave to explain your cirmumstances, my personal opinion of what happened to you is that you wasnt irresponsible given that the pill let you down for the first child and you was married for 7 years before you actually tried for a child.

msmicawber

Chrysalis wrote:

All the women I know with children have said they find DWP staff to be alot more sympathetic to them, for example my sister sent her husband to sort a benefit problem and the DWP were horrid to him, she went herself and took her kid with her and the visible child appeared to make them much more generous, its harder to tell someone they have to wait some weeks for claim to be processed when they have a little child sitting next to them, also might be why I seen so many kids running around the housing benefits waiting room. A friend I know also happens to think she got treated more easy then her boyfriend by the job centre.

I can't say that's been my experience with the Council when I've gone to try and deal with housing benefit problems. I'm so glad that my children are old enough now that I can leave them outside because one of the things I hated was being spoken down to in front of my children.

Anthillmob

Sarahsaver wrote:

People tut and stare and dont help a single mum on the bus with her buggy.

people dont help any mums with buggys full stop.

i have been helped once. and that was only because i asked some bloke to help me.