Relationship advice

[Deleted User]

Reading the whole of this thread.., I am thinking that maybe this man is actually a bit of a manipulator, which is a bit of a change of heart to me. But only u know the situation and can make judgements about this.

Reading the thread., I am not really getting a clue why u stay with him. A cleaner can do what he does (the nice things) so I am wondering if u can ask yourself why u are with him. At the moment he seems to be making u feel very miserable.., criticising you etc, not listening to u when u try to resolve situations, even ridiculing you. Only you can answer these questions. But if there are problems and he's not listening.., I'm afraid hun the relationship is just not happening. You can't force him to help make it work, and he seems pretty resistant to do more than the 'surface' stuff i.e. say the right things like a sorry without doing any of the actions to back it up. I lived with this for 10 years.., and I'm afraid it was 8 years too much.

My ex would say sorry, beg me to stay, he'd do anything etc but the next day it was like the conversation hadn't happened and he was the same. It was quite bad for my confidence and i get the feeling that u feel the same i.e. I'm not important enough for him to listen, to try to make this relationship work. Even like this, sometimes a relationship can work, but not if u are this unhappy. I suspect that relate is a very good idea, it will help u to clarify your feelings about the relationship and what boundaries u can accept.

I hate saying things like this because we don't know the true picture of your relationship.., I could be wrong.., but only u can decide.

blabberwort

With respect I dont see how a cleaner does "nice things" for people. They do a job they are paid for. The OP's OH is by her words doing stuff that he knows she will appreciate. Hardly the same thing. Sometimes people dont listen if they feel the subject is being brought up time and again. Any important new issues become lost through brain shut down because the person is expecting the same conversation again.

I think manipulating is a strong word in this instance, heck i've known manipulators in my time and just because someone isnt as affectionate as they once were doesnt make them one of them. Sometimes by keeping on at a person can actually drive a wedge between them rather than helping. As none of us know the OP we can only speculate but I would hope they take all advice (including my own) with a pinch of salt. When it comes to emotional issues they can look for support on the internet but really only make lasting decisions themselves based on what they know of their relationship not how it is interpreted as by people behind a computer monitor who knows neither of the people involved.

skypie123_2

Blabberwort - the point is he WAS affectionate even going as far as to find out why OP wasn't MORE affectionate. Now he doesn't seem to make any effort really.
He also knows what she wants and needs and seems to tease her by doing cruel and pretty nasty things. A bit like dangling the carrot then snatching it away.
He knows what he is doing.
Its not just a case of him being a naturally unaffectionate person.

blabberwort

skypie123 wrote: »

Blabberwort - the point is he WAS affectionate even going as far as to find out why OP wasn't MORE affectionate. Now he doesn't seem to make any effort really.
He also knows what she wants and needs and seems to tease her by doing cruel and pretty nasty things. A bit like dangling the carrot then snatching it away.
He knows what he is doing.
Its not just a case of him being a naturally unaffectionate person.

True, however as you pointed out the OP was never as affectionate as her OH at the start. Things change and the role is now reversed where the OP wants more affection and the OH doesnt. People are still missing though that he is affectionate in bed so affection is still there just not as much as she'd like. Again it's just role reversal and people want different things sometimes. That isnt to say that compromise cant be reached but I still think that these constant "chats" about it isnt doing the OP any favours. The OP has said that they didnt think about it so much when she first started going out again meeting friends so maybe thats the answer.

By relaxing more and not making such an issue of this her OH could feel not so pressured and may come around in his own way.

I understand that no-one wants to feel unloved but at the same time no-one should be forced to be more affectionate than theyre comfortable with. I think like a lot of relationships this is a hiccup and could well improve given time. I dont think every problem in a relationship needs relate, sometimes it just needs time and patience with a bit of compromise thrown in.

I know people wont like my opinion on this particularly but I dont feel the OH is being given a fair look at what may be going on his side. At the end of it the OP is on here giving her side and everyone feels sorry for her saying relate relate relate, when her OH is not able to give his side of things. My point is that this issue may seem bigger to the OP than it actually is and by people telling her to go to relate is implying theres a major issue with the marriage when in fact this may not be the case.

With regards to how he has reacted if you think honestly about it has no-one ever done something they know will cause upset just to shut someone up. An example one person complains constantly that people dont appreciate meals cooked, no-one listens so they stop cooking to prove a point. I realise this is different to the OP's situation but the point is maybe he is fed up of the constant talks and is wanting to stop her having them.

Imo having one big chat when both people are willing to participate is far better than lots of chats where only one person is actively involved and that seems to be what is happening.

lynzpower

I know people wont like my opinion on this particularly but I dont feel the OH is being given a fair look at what may be going on his side. At the end of it the OP is on here giving her side and everyone feels sorry for her saying relate relate relate, when her OH is not able to give his side of things. My point is that this issue may seem bigger to the OP than it actually is and by people telling her to go to relate is implying theres a major issue with the marriage when in fact this may not be the case.

Actually I told OP to go to relate on her own as I too believe this is an internal issue with the op feeling constantly rejected.

Sometimes I go to give my OH a hug or something and he pulls away. However I dont feel rejected by that, I might fele a number of things but rejection isnt usually one of them maybe its a sign that OH isnt feeling too confident, maybe I have done something to upset him we need to talk about, maybe he hasnt brushed his teeth yet and feels self conscious- the full range. I can stand back and not be hurt by that.

OP cant be, I totally 10000000% agree with you too these constant "why arnt you affectionate to me" conversations are not working and perosnally think that there is a victim mentality there- if the OP was happy enough not to be affectionate in the start of the relationship- how can she be upset that he is not feeling affectionate now. Add to this that she is withdrawing from conversation and mioping about it, I can see this only going one way.

There is clearly a lot going on for the OP, the sitting and moping, reducing affection and conversation and brining positive conversations down with her pwn negative self view ( there were lots of ways of handling the naked calendar- I know if My OH had done that I would have had a variety of retorts to use and it would have ended up being a laugh not something OH has to justify himself. OP seems to have a rela lack of resilience to this sort of thing, along with the fact that she seems to think that how he sees her ( or how she thinks he sees her) is the VIEW, and I totally agree with what everyone eles has said about the shrinking world.

Its times like this when men say they cant understand women. The problem is women dont often understand women either ( ie understand ourselves)

GEEGEE8

Maybe he is embarrased and has forgot how to be affectionate and feel like it's wierd for him to suddenly start doing things that he hasn't had to do for years, the kisses and cuddles. I mostly think he is being a bit pig-headed. The reason I think this is because instead of just upping his game slightly and making her a little happier, he seems to be thinking 'hmm, if i do this then she will moan more and expect me to do something else, i do enough, she needs to shut up now'.. that's the impression I get..

The laptop in the face was out of order.. and it would upset me loads. Would it have hurt him to have given her a kiss before he went out? My god, she would have been so happy about it! but no, the laptop thing was hurtful and unnecessary and it meant that he went out and she sat there going over it all in her head, instead of having a nice evening relaxing.

I think she has told him over and over again, and I agree he is prob tired of it. BUT! she is the one that is tired of his behaviour too.. in a relationship I feel that you should try your hardest to love, respect and give the other confidence. You feed off eachother in a way, and you should be happy to sacrifice little things to make the other happy.

It seems to me that she is doing to running about, worrying and being upset, whilst he is just happy with how things are and therefore saying she has the problem etc.. which can only make her feel worse and it's a viscious circle that only he can stop...

Why don't you show him this thread OP?

confused1234_2

Although the posters who have posted most recently have some varied views, I can take something from all of them, so thankyou.

My main issue somewhere along the line had morphed into two, the original one which was the lack of affection and my worries for the reasons for this, but also the fact I felt that I had shared my concerns and he had for whatever reason not taken my feelings on board, or taken the time to understand.

The first one was causing me all sorts of worries. I admit I probably did approach this in the wrong way which I think has probably been a problem, that is, my need to talk overrode his "openness" to talk; that is to say I feel I have approached him and talked "at" him rather than waiting until he is open to a discussion.

This resulted in a lack of communication on his part, me responding by feeling angry rather than being constructive and assuming all sorts of things which was me filling in the gaps as a way of trying to understand what might have been happening.

I can deal with people not agreeing with me, that is fine, but I (as people do) have an inherent need to feel understood and accepted. I didn't need to be told why I shouldn't feel how I do.

Anyway. He wanted to talk last night, so we did. Lots was said. He honestly wouldn't have linked ANY of the things I've mentioned to being related to the whole same issue, in fact he had little or no recollection of the last time we talked about it and was quite peeved that I was upset about his laptop-shut-in-the-face incident, he honestly didn't realise I was upset and thought it was funny.

He said he's not an affectionate person, he doesn't feel the need to express how he feels through constant hugging, kissing and the like. I said this was at odds to how I feel he was, this really puzzled him even when I reminded him he used to complain about my lack of affection. He says again that this is what happens in relationships when time passes.

He said he likes his space, after a hard day at work he doesn't always want to snuggle up, when he gets in from work he thinks it would be weird to hug as a greeting (as a for example) because to him hugging signifies comforting someone when they're upset.

I asked why recently he never showed or initated affection outside of the bedroom. He said because he didn't have that need for it, he just didn't do it. He said he hadn't thought of it the other way around, as in what I wanted/needed, and the reason he hadn't really done anything about it since we talked last was because he hadn't thought about it.

It was quite hard really, I often felt upset and quite angry but felt that I needed to know what point we were at. I know people have differing needs regarding giving and receiving affection, I wouldn't say I was constantly wanting that but I do want/need that contact and needed to know that he a) just understood that, and b) if he felt he could meet me halfway.

He did say he was sorry if he'd upset me as that honestly was not his intention which I accept. And you know what, just knowing he understood me and had sat and listened took a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

He's been really nice today, and my sense of humour seems to have reappeared:D

GEEGEE8

awwww, well that's excellent news

I think he has realised the problem isn't just going to go away.

Maybe you should just try to leave it alone now and let him take the initiative, give him a chance to make a little more effort, but bear in mind that it isn't coming naturally to him for one reason or another. & by the sounds of it, it isn't for lack of love, it's just the way he is..

Stephb1986_2

I'm so glad you have spoke about things more openly perhaps he will start showing you more affection now he know's how it feels to you. He has probably thought about it all and is really upset how you have been upset about it.

Good luck for the future

Steph xx

blabberwort

It's great to see that your feeling in a better place now confused1234, always good to see people follow up their threads with a good post