Relationship advice

hellyhouse

confused1234 wrote: »

what he did/does is when I go up to him and put my arms round his waist, or give him a kiss, he'll reciprocate for a second then sort of put his hands on my shoulders, moving me away gently, asking what I'm doing, always with a smile, I think so it appears gentle rather than "get lost, get offa me!" sort of thing

My other half does exactly the same thing. I try to think of him as a dog or cat who doesn't particularly like being cuddled.

It is a bit upsetting but I think things could be worse. I try not to make any approaches outside the bedroom to save myself from feeling rebuffed.

confused1234_2

Oh yes when we're "at it" (lol) he couldn't be more affectionate, really attentive to me, I can't complain in that respect.

I don't know... Being honest I think with me there's a degree of feeling rather annoyed that it almost appears that he put the effort in at the start and now he feels like he doesn't have to. Again I understand how he sees it as a natural progression but I don't. I think there is a degree of it calming down, if you like, which could be expected, but I don't know how much I buy the "that's just how I am" reasoning because that is certainly not how he was!

I feel myself in this odd reality now, like earlier he came up to me and my natural reaction was to pull him into me and cuddle him as we talk, he put his arms round me and I kissed him which he did back:) but I sensed it was out of "politeness" if you like:( Oh I don't know.

GEEGEE8

You're confused because he has made an issue out of your simple request for a bit of affection.. He has turned it round on you and said you complain too much, which has upset you even more..

My ex was affectionate at first, so was I, cuddles etc.. but after a while we did drift apart but still loved eachother.. but just didn't have that snuggly kind of relationship... which was a shame.

My current boyfriend is very snuggly, and can be a little annoying at times.. for example when he stays over, he wants constant kisses and hugs, and it gets a bit much.

From the sound of it you aren't doing that and seem to be quite tactful in your approach. I can only assume he's stupid and a typical man (sorry guys!) and it will probably take him 2 months to grasp what you are talking about, at which point you will have stopped moaning and resigned yourself to the situation and he will conclude that he dreamt it all and it's sorted now.. lol.

I too would be quite hurt in your position. But, at least he still likes sex and is affectionate then, maybe he just can't be bothered at other times, too much effort for him, or for some reason he isn't in the mood for cuddles...

He sounds like he made an effort, and therefore try to think positive about it and encourage it.. tell him how nice it was to have that little cuddle yesteday/last week etc.. but leave it at that, and see if he gets the hint that if he has a little cuddle then it's not gonna turn into this big event where you have to cuddle all of the time etc etc..

Did any of that make sense :rotfl:??

confused1234_2

Your summing up of a typical man does reflect my partner on the other occasions we've disagreed, spot on actually!:D

He went off out earlier, and as it was one of those "we don't have a babysitter so only one of us can go" evenings, I said he'd been hard at work so why didn't he go, he asked why suspiciously but with a smile, I mentioned all about a deal involving back massages and suchlike to which he agreed with a laugh:)

GEEGEE8

Well, he seems to like your light hearted approach to dealing with things, so that's good. Even if you have to pretend sometimes then if it makes a change do it.

The worst thing you can do is pretend and then get tired of pretending and moan, cos then he will get confused and wonder why you have been nice and then turned into psycho wife.. lol

I'd personally hate my boyfriend to go out without me, and he is the same with me. Luckily we are both happy to do stuff together, and I go to college one day a week to do civil engineering with a load of blokes lol - and in return he has his season ticket to football. So we do have our own thing that we do, but socialising without eachother would be hard for both of us, but that is something we kinda agreed together as we are both a little jealous. (we don't have kids tho, so it's different for us).

katebl

Confused, I felt exactly like you did about a year ago, like I was just 'part of the furniture', and after a few weeks of the same conversation with my OH time and again about where had all the affection gone that we had when we first got together, he admitted that he felt like he didn't have to make as much effort as he "had me now!":mad: Don't know how I didn't smash his head in but I calmly pointed out he may 'have me' (live together, no kids though!) but he still had to work to keep me. He also pointed out he never had time to miss me as we work and live together.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing in seeing friends and getting out and about, as although he may be out with friends/at work, he's not sitting indoors noticing that you're not there!

A year on we are fine now, and I think it was just us getting complacent, but at the time it really did break my heart to think the lovely guy I fell for had been replaced by someone so indifferent. Now I don't worry so much about it, and I would say to you don't panic, as long as he is still affectionate in bed that's a good sign! As long as there is closeness between you at some points, you have something to build upon

confused1234_2

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my partner and how I felt "neglected" by him.

I wanted to say thankyou for the responses. I continue to think about this, I don't feel that things are resolved unfortunately. I have been feeling very frustrated and upset, but am trying to look at this constructively, in particular my feelings and reactions, how I talk generally and speak to him about things.

I'm looking deep inside myself and looking for how I am part of things and how I can work on this. Practically I am continuing to "invest" in myself, seeing friends, spending time on my own interests, and I am very happy with this.

I do continue to feel that somehow, there is some exchange going on, just on different terms. What I mean is... I feel that he deals in "practical" gifts of affection. His response when I have said I would like him to be more affectionate, is that he IS affectionate, he's always doing things for me, and will come out with a list of things which he certainly has done, such as taken me and the kids out for tea and paid so I don't have to make tea, fetched me a bar of chocolate from the shop, done little jobs I've asked him to around the house, that sort of thing. I love him doing these thoughtful things and I always make sure to say thankyou, tell him I appreciate it.

I think somehow, he is missing what I mean, which is physical affection, hand holding, kisses, hugs etc, and feels somehow I am negating his gifts of affection. It's almost like he forgets I have shown I am appreciative when I bring this up and says I'm never happy. I think he thinks I should be happy all the time because he's done certain things he know will make me happy, if that makes sense?

I do feel a bit stuck and unhappy at the mo. We'd had a lovely evening yesterday and something came up which will probably sound silly to some but has just made me really upset. I was reading the news online and made a jokey comment about some ladies who were posing nude for a charity calendar and showed him the photo. He took the laptop off me and sat there scrolling through all the pictures. I said is that what you are doing? He said no (he obviously was) and I had to get up and walk out. I don't mind him indulging his whims when he's by himself but after talking to him last week about how I felt quite sensitive about my post-kids body at the moment and how it's difficult to see pictures of other women looking so good, he knows how I feel and I told him I felt he was really insensitive to do that.

He was quiet for a while after that when I came back in, then asked what wad the matter?! I said again I thought he was insensitive, he said really, what did I expect him to do when I started talking about it?!

Completely see his point but what made me madder was that he couldn't even acknowledge why I was upset, like it was wrong. So seething at the mo!

How do I deal with all this?

brians_daughter

some men are just ignorant to what they are doing!

Another chat is on the cards. You need to feel loved, Tell him. Write it down, email it him, shout it from the rooftops - you need to find a way to ensure he fully understands what you mean.

You have to tell him quite simply you miss the intimacy the hand holding, the cuddles. You need to make him see how you feel neglected, insecure and unloved.

Continue to build your confidence about yourself. My oh told me that theres nothing more off putting than a woman who isnt happy in her own skin. I can see what he means, kind of. I have worked with my confidence over the last few months and slowly we are getting there. We are back to cuddles, and hand holding because i feel good about myself .

You need what all men and women should have when in a relationship and that is love and the feeling of security.



I cant offer anymore advice really, just hugs and luck x

confused1234_2

I have come to the conclusion recently that my partner is ignorant of what he is doing at times, I try not to fall into the trap of "if he loves me he should know" and be communicative at the time it matters rather than sulking (have been too guilty of that in the past) and talking about it later when he's inevitably forgotten all about whatever it is that upset me!

I also try and be careful to start with a positive, because after all it is very important to me that he knows I very much appreciate the things he does do. Earlier yesterday we were speaking about something that I explained bothered me (nothing huge) and he got my point, thought it was hilarious how I'd explained it and totally took it on board. So it does work at times!

I have been very direct with him in explaining I would like him to be more affectionate and what I need. No matter how I put it though, he sees this as a criticism. I have explained that to look at us sometimes, we could be two friends living in the same house. I accept this may be just how he is, but it is difficult when I know how he has been with me in the past. I am falling into a place where I am starting to feel unattractive and like he doesn't desire me anymore. Logically I know this isn't true but when it feels like the time he wants to spend with me is on his terms, in his way, or I get nothing, I feel like I could just be any woman who's by his side rather than him wanting me to be if that makes sense?

I also don't want to fall into the trap of basing my self-worth on what he thinks of me but it is certainly affecting how I feel about myself.

euronorris

Have you asked him if there is anything that is bothering him? ie, why he's not being physically affectionate?

And it could be anything. Stress at work, tired etc etc.

Have you tried initiating the physical contact also? If he is feeling under pressure at work etc, then maybe he's actually desparate for you to make the first move, but doesn't know how to tell you/doesn't want to tell you.

Edit: Or perhaps he just doesn't want to be the person who has to initiate it all the time, or be the 'giver'. Maybe he's frustrated because you're telling him what you want, but haven't asked him what he wants? (Not saying this is the case, but maybe it is, so worth thinking about).