Relationship advice

londoner1998

confused1234 wrote: »

Although the posters who have posted most recently have some varied views, I can take something from all of them, so thankyou.

My main issue somewhere along the line had morphed into two, the original one which was the lack of affection and my worries for the reasons for this, but also the fact I felt that I had shared my concerns and he had for whatever reason not taken my feelings on board, or taken the time to understand.

The first one was causing me all sorts of worries. I admit I probably did approach this in the wrong way which I think has probably been a problem, that is, my need to talk overrode his "openness" to talk; that is to say I feel I have approached him and talked "at" him rather than waiting until he is open to a discussion.

This resulted in a lack of communication on his part, me responding by feeling angry rather than being constructive and assuming all sorts of things which was me filling in the gaps as a way of trying to understand what might have been happening.

I can deal with people not agreeing with me, that is fine, but I (as people do) have an inherent need to feel understood and accepted. I didn't need to be told why I shouldn't feel how I do.

Anyway. He wanted to talk last night, so we did. Lots was said. He honestly wouldn't have linked ANY of the things I've mentioned to being related to the whole same issue, in fact he had little or no recollection of the last time we talked about it and was quite peeved that I was upset about his laptop-shut-in-the-face incident, he honestly didn't realise I was upset and thought it was funny.

He said he's not an affectionate person, he doesn't feel the need to express how he feels through constant hugging, kissing and the like. I said this was at odds to how I feel he was, this really puzzled him even when I reminded him he used to complain about my lack of affection. He says again that this is what happens in relationships when time passes.

He said he likes his space, after a hard day at work he doesn't always want to snuggle up, when he gets in from work he thinks it would be weird to hug as a greeting (as a for example) because to him hugging signifies comforting someone when they're upset.

I asked why recently he never showed or initated affection outside of the bedroom. He said because he didn't have that need for it, he just didn't do it. He said he hadn't thought of it the other way around, as in what I wanted/needed, and the reason he hadn't really done anything about it since we talked last was because he hadn't thought about it.

It was quite hard really, I often felt upset and quite angry but felt that I needed to know what point we were at. I know people have differing needs regarding giving and receiving affection, I wouldn't say I was constantly wanting that but I do want/need that contact and needed to know that he a) just understood that, and b) if he felt he could meet me halfway.

He did say he was sorry if he'd upset me as that honestly was not his intention which I accept. And you know what, just knowing he understood me and had sat and listened took a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

He's been really nice today, and my sense of humour seems to have reappeared:D

Are you me??? I am in pretty much the same position, and last night things came to a head (my main problem is the lack of quality time together due to his work- I really feel taken for granted- football, work or band playing seems to come first). Reading your posts has given me hope, I really thought last night that my OH can not give me the emotional support and attention I need, due to his inability to put himself in my shoes. We slept in separate rooms ( I was too upset to attempt a reconciliation there and then) and tough as it is, I am not calling him even though I am dying to hear his voice and know he is ok- I think he needs to think about how I have been feeling and take stock. And so do I.
OP< I am really glad you got to talk- that is my main challenge, he will just not be able to- may be I have also smothered him with 'talk', but oh, it is so hard when you want somebody and they seem indiferent...

Well done you, keep the channels open...

Axx

GEEGEE8

Hope things are still going well xx

confused1234_2

londoner1998 wrote: »

Are you me??? I am in pretty much the same position, and last night things came to a head (my main problem is the lack of quality time together due to his work- I really feel taken for granted- football, work or band playing seems to come first). Reading your posts has given me hope, I really thought last night that my OH can not give me the emotional support and attention I need, due to his inability to put himself in my shoes. We slept in separate rooms ( I was too upset to attempt a reconciliation there and then) and tough as it is, I am not calling him even though I am dying to hear his voice and know he is ok- I think he needs to think about how I have been feeling and take stock. And so do I.
OP< I am really glad you got to talk- that is my main challenge, he will just not be able to- may be I have also smothered him with 'talk', but oh, it is so hard when you want somebody and they seem indiferent...

Well done you, keep the channels open...

Axx

Aw <<<hugs>>> I blatantly can't profess to being an expert (LOLOL!:rotfl:) but (confesses quietly:o) I picked up a copy of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" and it was quite a read!

I think it's one of those self-help books where you take what you need from it, and I found it really helpful in understanding what men need, and what women need, and that they are different. That was my main motivation in holding off from talking to him again, although I did want to, and waiting until he seemed more open to listening.

It does mention in there that women want understanding, and what you say I can totally relate to, about him not being able to put himself in your shoes. It's that thing where he will hear I am upset, and why, but men wanting to be practical and "solve" problems, will give me a list of why I shouldn't be upset, my feelings don't make sense, etc etc. I knew half of what I wanted was to be LISTENED to, not just heard, if that makes sense.

Geegee, that weight lifted off my shoulders feels great:) I feel so much more relaxed, just the atmosphere between us is much more relaxed. It's nice because I can see he's making an effort for me, which is how he was naturally earlier on in the relationship, not constant touchy feely but the small gestures you don't always realise you're doing but you do automatically if you know what I mean? It's nice.

skypie123_2

Awww I am really pleased for you honey! I hope he keeps it up - he better or he will have us lot to answer to! xxx

GEEGEE8

I agree with skypie ! We will be round there like a bunch of mother hens lol

I guess it's hard to realise that people still love you when the outward signs of affection start going..

Hope it lasts for a long time

Jei70

Hi, I just saw this thread and thought of a book that might help: The Five Love Languages . I must admit I haven't personally read it, but I have heard good things about it. As you mention that you haven't felt loved/appreciated by your OH, while he told you how he acted in a loving/appreciative way, it appears you have some kind of a communication problem. Although this particular edition is now out of stock, there seem to be a number on offer (and, for moneysaving, you might be able to find it in your local library!).

ETA: And it should be a good read for both of you!