Relationship advice

JoJoB

Each to their own!

lynzpower

Counselling is certainly a good idea though he may be resistant if he thinks there is nothing wrong! Otherwise I would echo what others have said here - shake things up a little yourself. Be cheerful and confident even when you don't feel it too much inside, be romantic and affectionate yourself without expectation of anything in return initially and generally change the atmosphere in the household, make things a bit more lighthearted and refrain from talking about the disparity in levels of affection for a little while. Just see if there are little things that can be done to bring you closer together for thenext few weeks and see if that leads to any open exchanges between you both.

A great reply in all from Jojob, but I would say if he doesnt think that there is a problem, so what, go alone. Many people do go to relate ( for example) alone.

I think this would underline to him that regardless of whether he are happy with the level of affection, You arnt, and that IS a problem.

I would use therapy to also explore issues that may influence how you anD YOUR oh feel from the past. I too have been a "affection rejector" and I know that this is really about something much deeper in my functioning that influences me to react in this way.

Without a deeper understanding of intimacy, honesty, rejection, affection, neediness etc, you'll keep having the same conversations and keep being disappointed by the outcomes.

GEEGEE8

Nothing has changed then

Hmm.. from where I see it, you are putting so much effort into trying to repair this problem, and he is just carrying on as normal.

I would stop putting all this effort in because I think you are resenting him for it.

He doesn't seem to be taking it seriously, and the laptop thing was a little off.. What harm would it have been to give you a nice kiss, like he knows you are wanting!! so why make a joke out of it!!? Seems a bit cruel to me..

confused1234_2

No nothing has changed:( It's really nice to come back here to some really helpful input, I have to say thanks. At the mo this is my outlet so it's nice to feel listened to:)

I have been digesting a lot of the more recent posts here as there are some very varied views. Things are rather tense between us, it's been a complicated weekend with a lot of different feelings thrown into the mix. Ive gone from trying to be understanding as he's had things on his mind, and resolving to put my feelings aside for a little while, to feeling that I had to address some of his behaviour that I found upsetting and unacceptable. It was very hard but I managed to keep things in check to a degree and explain that we needed to talk but then was not the best time. He seemed accepting of that, interestingly asking was it that I wanted him to move out. I said no. I said maybe later on in the evening would be a good time as I was going out with the kids for the day if he wasn't planning on going out as he usually does...

I got back earlier and he was. I was torn between trying again to be understanding: maybe now wasn't the right time for him to talk, to feeling bloody angry: I told him we needed to have a serious talk and he prioritises going to the pub above that and that that shows just how much he cares.

I invited him to come out with us earlier and one of the reasons he wouldn't was because after I'd explained about how we needed to talk, he didn't want to sgo out, round seeing my family, sitting there whilst thinking about that. Yet he's quite happy to go out later?

All I can see at the moment is a mental list of al the negative things he's saying/doing that show he's indifferent, at the least, to our relationship and the things I've talked to him about. He'll be back in a bit, come in, crack open a beer and sit down across from me, and we'll sit, I'll be quietly seething, and he'll make some comment about am I still mad, I can't be mad about x and present me with a list of all the reasons why I shouldn't be upset/mad/angry about what he said or did earlier or the day before and I'll be very angry and sorely tempted to tell him where to stick it, the mood I'm in:mad: What do I do?

GEEGEE8

hmmm, if you say anything it will just cause an argument, which isn't best if you are feeling crap anyway.. xx
can't you go bed early? will he get the message?

Stephb1986_2

I would get an early night if I was you love it seems to be all on his terms when he shows you affection. I think that you should definatly get out more start seeing new people. Why should you be like his mother for christ sake your his wife not his mother he should appreciate what you do do for him this is like something out of the 60's where a womans place should be in the home with the kids and not have an opinion of your own. He needs to have a wake up call before you really blow your top and leave him.

Your not asking him to run a marathon by showing you affection. I really do feel for you. Maybe you should start making comments to him about his beer belly and stop your wifey duties in the bedroom if he doesn't show you affection apart from in the bedroom I'm sorry but he wouldn't be getting any at all.

Not all relationships end up like this my nan and grandad were married for years and still showed affection to each other.

Good luck

Steph xx

skypie123_2

He sounds like my ex, no matter how many times I tried to tell him what I needed from the relationship and how hard I tried on my part, he never listened. Hence why he is my ex.
You deserve everything you want and need from your relationship, like Steph says its not like you are asking him to run a marathon or fly to the moon - after all he used to be affectionate. I personally would have blown my stack at his bizarre attempts at humour, the shutting the laptop in your face after making out he was he about to kiss you was something an 18 year old might do! And his pushing you away? Completely out of order.
Hugs to you honey! It must be very frustrating for you because you sound like a lovely lady trying your best and frankly your husband seems to be falling wide of the mark.
I think he needs to up his game or he might find out he suddenly has more time to go out to the pub with his mates than he bargained for! xxx

confused1234_2

I might head off up to bed. Not sure yet. I remember him saying a while ago, if we'd had an argument, he could never understand how I managed to fall asleep straightaway whilst he'd be awake for ages in bed thinking about it.

Unofrtunately wasn't the case once I went to bed last night, I couldn't sleep for what felt like ages. Everything was going round in my head.

What I really can't bear at the mo is the agonising time we spend of an evening. I haven't been very conversational being honest, in a cowardly way really I've been hoping he'll bring things up to initiate a discussion. I don't because I know the roll of eyes he'll do, or the groan of "oh not this again". Or he'll start talking, I'll respond and he'll say he sees I'm in a bad mood again, I'm not still mad... And so it goes on:(

PS: Thanks skypie, that last bit probably shouldn't but it cheered me up

skypie123_2

I am glad if I helped in anyway. Believe me when I say I remember only too well the feeling of frustration when I felt I wasn't being heard!
Go to bed and sleep well - let him sweat a little! Who knows, the extra time to think might give him the kick up the bum he needs to sort himself out! xxx

blabberwort

I know i'll probably get shouted down as this may seem a harsh post but thats not my intention. This is just another view point but made by someone who is not naturally affectionate and can maybe see your OH' s side. I dont think anyone should be made to feel that they should be more tactile. I know you said he was very lovey dovey at the start of your relationship and this lasted longer than you would anticipate as being the honeymoon period however this may not be his natural self.

I think most people are more lovey dovey/tactile for quite some time when in a relationship, but thats not to say it will remain that way no matter how much both people love each other. It is quite possible that he feels comfortable enough to not feel the need to have kiss or cuddle all the time now. I know that from personal experience that at the start of my relationship with my OH I was fine with being loveydovey but thats not the natural me. After a while I didnt feel the need to prove my love by kissing and cuddling all the time. It makes me uncomfortable and I see no point in pretending otherwise, it will just end up in resentment. I show I care in other ways, love isnt all about holding hands and kissing.

If your OH is affectionate in the bedroom then not fancying is obviously not the issue. You say he does other things (more practical stuff) that you know means he cares so again this obviously cant be the issue. If he's anything like me then maybe he just doesnt feel the need to constantly hold hands etc, maybe by keeping on at him (sorry to sound harsh, but you have mentioned numerous times where you have tried to talk to him about this) is just wearing him down.

If my OH kept on at me I would be fed up to the back teeth by now. I understand you would like some affection but the fact he is happy to show this in the bedroom and that it's not just sex says to me that he's just not naturally a huggy person and that his compromise is by being affectionate in the bedroom. This may not be ideal for you but then asking someone to kiss, hug or hold hands when theyre not that way inclined can be uncomfortable. I think just accept him for what he is instead of reading things into a situation that may not be the case.

Spend time with friends, relax and most importantly stop keeping on at him by having these talks that he obviously doesnt understand. By relaxing about this and starting to get a social life for yourself may even be the thing that does get him interested in being more affectionate outside the bedroom if he's naturally this way.

Either way I hope that things work out for you and that given time you will both find a compromise that suits you both