Relationship advice

confused1234_2

Hopeing for a bit of advice on my situation so here goes.

I am in a relationship with a man, we have been together about 5 years and have two children.

We met through friends, and dated for a while before eventually moving in together, and then deciding we wanted children. I gave up work once our second was born, hoping to return eventually when this one starts nursery.

The problem is, I am increasingly feeling, not exactly taken for granted, but like I'm a housewife and a mother and not much else. If I'm being honest, I can say I can see this is probably partly down to me. I have changed a lot since having our first, we were never party animals but enjoyed going out together and I enjoyed seeing my friends. He has maintained his social life, which is fine, he likes to meet friends once or twice a week for a drink, but I find that after a hard day with the children, all I want to do is relax, watch TV, browse the internet and I have let slip meeting with friends.

I do make the effort within our relationship to keep the spark and not let things slide, but I am increasingly worried he's losing interest.

I suppose in an old-fashioned way, I still want to be 'courted'. Of course I know relationships change with time, but I hate to think he just sees me as being 'there' rather than the girl he liked so much when we first met.

The thing is, he's really good at home, works hard in his job, is good with the kids, but the only time he ever makes an effort at "stuff" is when we go to bed and the lights are out if you know what I mean!:o I suppose it feels like he did the chase, he got me and now that's it, he doesn't have to try any more!

What can I do to change things? I'd love some of the old romantic in him to come back again, I just keep wondering is it my fault?

Mojisola

I think, after five years, that still wanting to be 'courted' is a bit unrealistic. Relationships change as time goes on - no relationship stays in that early stage for ever!

Have you thought that his behaviour may be conditioned by your own? You say you have let everything outside the home slip away and wonder why he thinks of you as a housewife and mother and not much else - that's because that's what you have become!

It sounds as if it's time for a sit down and a heart-to-heart talk. If you can explain to him that you feel you've become stuck in a rut with home life and would like his help to get a bit of your old life back, he will be probably be very happy to help. The chances are that he is missing the old you as much as you are and will become much more attentive. He sounds too nice to let him slip away!

confused1234_2

Thankyou for your reply.

I have been very careful when thinking about this to think about the part I play in it too. You are right, in letting things slip outside the home I have inadvertently probably changed how he sees me. I've continued to make an effort in how I look, take care of myself, that sort of thing, but in all honesty it's quite damning when it's not appreciated if you see what I mean.

I know that isn't the be all and end all, of course not, but I know he'd soon say if I started slobbing about!

He did say the other day that he thought I'd lost some of my independence since we first met and it hit me quite hard. I agreed with him,I know I have done.

I also find myself initiating affection, you know, hand holding, back rubs, hugs, all things he used to like, and in a flippant way he acts like it's a hassle and jokes to 'just leave him alone'. I smile but it quite hurts my feelings, he almost makes me feel like I'm smothering him, he used to like all that and used to be bothered as I used to be shy of him holding my hand in public, and now in some way, in making the effort I seem to be annoying him!:(

Aspiring_Writer

Hello Confused1234,

Maybe I'm not ideally placed to advise on this, having just come out of a brief dalliance with an old flame which I should never have entertained, but anyway..

Whilst I'm not sure courting is perhaps the right term to use in this case- though I do like the meaning and I wish it was still used more - any r/ship needs to be worked out, so whilst you perhaps should be going out with your girlfriend(s) once a week or so, and buying yourself a few treats here and there, your husband should be romancing you aswell.

My parents, God Bless em, are going to celebrate their 60th Wedding Anniversary this year. That must have taken a lot of effort and and perseverance at times, although they are very much in love even today, the soppy old sod still writes her little notes I believe...

As for the tactile thing in public, I am v tactile and often give her a kiss mid sentence in a shop or somewhere...or at least I used to!

Go out for a date together, enjoy life! it goes way too fast as it is...

confused1234_2

I have suggested the date idea actually. He says we always go out when his or my parents have the kids to stay for a night. We do, but that might be once or twice a month, and often it involves meeting up with a group of friends for drinks. Whilst I have no problem with that in itself, I mean just me and him. He says it's too much effort now we have children to do anything any other time, he didn't think I was bothered.

I feel torn between trying to sort it out but worrying he's going to get sick of me going on about it!

SUESMITH_2

i think this is what generaly happens when in a long term relationship, i know what you mean.

instead of going out weith friends wh dont you go out just the two of you? and tell him why.

there was an article on bbcnews a couple of weeks ago about how relationships change, can't find it at the mo but it says that your hormones change after so many months and this is what enables relationships to last

Lotus-eater

This is the cry of women down the ages.

Relationships do change and both sexes tend to take their partner a bit for granted.

Men really do need different things to women and most simply don't understand what women need to be contented.
I would speak to him and let him know everything is OK and you still love him, but you need a little bit more tlc than just an excellent stud in bed.

confused1234_2

Sue, I definitely remember reading that article somewhere, it was very interesting.

Lotus-eater, hope I haven't got the wrong end of the stick but are you a man? It's good to get a male insight (sorry if you're not!) I think you got the idea, everything else is fine, he's lovely, he's quite proud and I think he shows love and affection practically, like for him going to work is a real male pride thing, providing for the family, doing jobs around the house, paying for things we need.

I don't want my appreciation for how hard he works to get lost within this. The thing is I have talked about it before and he'll make an effort for a while but when it tails off I don't like to mention it again for fear of sounding like a nag, so I think well I'll respond to him how I'd like him to be with me, but then I worry he'll think I'm smothering him.

We've actually had arguments over the just us two going out thing instead of meeting up with friends. He always says it's a shame to miss out, we don't all get together as much as we used to, and he's right, but when I explain we need to spend quality time together he gets defensive and will grudgingly agree to a 'date', but then I feel upset because I can see when we're out his heart's not in it and he'll be texting our friends asking what they're doing just in case. It's quite upsetting that he'll take time to meet up with friends but I feel like Im an after thought sometimes because he doesn't make the same effort for me

SUESMITH_2

aha found it!! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4669104.stm

Mojisola

confused1234 wrote: »

I don't want my appreciation for how hard he works to get lost within this. The thing is I have talked about it before and he'll make an effort for a while but when it tails off I don't like to mention it again for fear of sounding like a nag, so I think well I'll respond to him how I'd like him to be with me, but then I worry he'll think I'm smothering him.

We've actually had arguments over the just us two going out thing instead of meeting up with friends. He always says it's a shame to miss out, we don't all get together as much as we used to, and he's right, but when I explain we need to spend quality time together he gets defensive and will grudgingly agree to a 'date', but then I feel upset because I can see when we're out his heart's not in it and he'll be texting our friends asking what they're doing just in case. It's quite upsetting that he'll take time to meet up with friends but I feel like Im an after thought sometimes because he doesn't make the same effort for me

All that sounds a bit more worrying - I can see why you're troubled by it.

Would it help if you did something just for you - evening classes or a part-time job when he could do the child-caring? Sometimes not being there all the time can be a good thing and having something to talk about that's outside your relationship and home life can be good.

confused1234_2

Thankyou again for your replies.

I decided I would start today, I went over to visit a friend with kids the same age as mine who I hadn't seen for a while this afternoon and as we always end up having a great time and staying til kids' bedtimes, I knew the kids would all have fun and got the chance to have grown-up talk! Must admit I always wonder when I do manage to see friends why I don't do it more often.

When we got back, he'd been busy sorting out some things I'd needed doing around the house which was nice of him

Talking to him later, I mentioned about getting a babysitter at the weekend and going out us two, he said "yeah ok." Mentioned going to see a film, he said "yeah whatever." I said he didn't sound all that enthused, he got all irritated and said he was tired from work, ok?

Too much?