Relationship advice

confused1234_2

OK so not quite so seething now, more reflective and a bit sad really.

He called earlier from work, we'd already had words earlier via text, not ideal but not argumentative either. Initialy he had no idea what I was talking about. He then said I read too much into things (not sure what relevance that has to this though?), and that maybe I should have thought twice before telling him about the story in the paper if I didn't want him to pay any attention.

I just said it feels like another kick in the teeth, considering the discussions we've had about being affectionate, me saying how I felt about my body post-kids and for him to do that was really insensitive to me. I said he doesn't have to agree but that my feelings are valid and I'd like it if he could think about why I felt like that. He replied sorry, he didn't think, then called me up later, what a nice packed lunch I'd done, how are the kids, etc, etc???

I just wish he could listen and not make a blanket "sorry" excuse everything, because I know full well later if I say can we talk, I want to know you understand how I felt, he'll say why, he said sorry and isn't that enough?

I just feel like I can't keep giving and giving, making the effort to invest in our relationship, being told I'm neurotic if I'm not happy about something, and have got to the point where I just hesitate about showing affection because I'm scared of being rejected yet if I don't, he doesn't... I don't feel it's big enough to just walk out on yet I don't know what else to do?

joeblack066

My DS1 is 24, and mature beyond his years. He has maintained for years that men do NOT understand hints, and need to be told directly what is required of them. This then saves a lot of misunderstanding and upset. So go for it, just tell him! Good luck! x

confused1234_2

euronorris wrote: »

Have you asked him if there is anything that is bothering him? ie, why he's not being physically affectionate?

And it could be anything. Stress at work, tired etc etc.

Have you tried initiating the physical contact also? If he is feeling under pressure at work etc, then maybe he's actually desparate for you to make the first move, but doesn't know how to tell you/doesn't want to tell you.

Edit: Or perhaps he just doesn't want to be the person who has to initiate it all the time, or be the 'giver'. Maybe he's frustrated because you're telling him what you want, but haven't asked him what he wants? (Not saying this is the case, but maybe it is, so worth thinking about).

He's not affectionate very much because he says that's what happens when you've been together for a while. He says he likes having his space after a hectic day at work and doesn't always (if ever) want to snuggle up on the sofa. He also says what's the point of having kisses and cuddles when the kids are around because it can't lead to anything (this makes me really really sad.) The irony is he's really affectionate when we're intimate.

I'm always the one who initiates affectionate behaviour. He will hold my hand when we go out, but apart from that, it is always me. If I don't, then it doesn't happen, if at all.

I have asked him what he would like me to do. I get answers about my appearance (wear a nice skirt, get my hair cut short), things he'd like to do in bed (I won't go into detail, nothing outrageous though!), practical things (dinner on the table when he gets in, a packed lunch so he doesn't have to buy something at work), but he never mentions things about investing time in our relationship. He says he's happy how we are, thinks there's nothing wrong with the state of our relationship.

He said yesterday something about how the men he works with all say the same thing about their wives and girlfriends, that they all complain they'd like more affection. He then made a joke about if we broke up, how he would explain to his mates that I always wanted him to sit with me in the evenings and he just wanted some space! Didn't really know how to take that one:(

confused1234_2

joeblack066 wrote: »

My DS1 is 24, and mature beyond his years. He has maintained for years that men do NOT understand hints, and need to be told directly what is required of them. This then saves a lot of misunderstanding and upset. So go for it, just tell him! Good luck! x

I take this point. I have said to him on a few occasions, I would like him to be more affectionate, he says like what, I tell him.

What he then comes out with is a list of occasions when he has done x, y or z. So for example, "I ALWAYS hold your hand when we go out, last week I gave you a hug when I got in from work that day even though I was all dusty and icky from work, we went out for tea on Saturday" (even though it was with baby, still nice to do but not quality couple time.) Then comes the comments about how I'm never happy (not true), it doesn't matter what he does for me I never appreciate it (not true at all), I was happy at the weekend so why aren't I be happy now, and so on.

Short of demanding he gives me a kiss when he comes in from work, we have a cuddle on the sofa after dinner, and a bit of a snog when the kids have gone to bed, I'm not sure what to do! I just feel at the moment like turning round and saying, well I told you how I felt and what I wanted, and you knew, but you can't or won't give me that, so I can't stay where I feel unloved/unappreciated/like the nanny, cook, chauffeur, personal shopper and cleaner and nothing else, I'm leaving. I wouldn't, but I sure feel like doing it:(

lynzpower

edit- just read your update.

lynzpower

confused1234 wrote: »

I take this point. I have said to him on a few occasions, I would like him to be more affectionate, he says like what, I tell him.

What he then comes out with is a list of occasions when he has done x, y or z. So for example, "I ALWAYS hold your hand when we go out, last week I gave you a hug when I got in from work that day even though I was all dusty and icky from work, we went out for tea on Saturday" (even though it was with baby, still nice to do but not quality couple time.) Then comes the comments about how I'm never happy (not true), it doesn't matter what he does for me I never appreciate it (not true at all), I was happy at the weekend so why aren't I be happy now, and so on.

Short of demanding he gives me a kiss when he comes in from work, we have a cuddle on the sofa after dinner, and a bit of a snog when the kids have gone to bed, I'm not sure what to do! I just feel at the moment like turning round and saying, well I told you how I felt and what I wanted, and you knew, but you can't or won't give me that, so I can't stay where I feel unloved/unappreciated/like the nanny, cook, chauffeur, personal shopper and cleaner and nothing else, I'm leaving. I wouldn't, but I sure feel like doing it:(

Seems like relate is your option then, surely?

Has it always been like this? Was he affectionate when you started dating?

Foodhoarder

Hi Confused.
I really feel for you. It sounds like you are trying your best to get your needs met in this relationship, but dont seem to be able to get your point across...

I do understand that 'demanding' a kiss is not far from 'begging' for affection, affection should feel natural, free and without coertion. Wanting to feel wanted and attractive is something that i can understand as a female.

Have you been this explicit with your other half and laid it on the line? Can you explore his views on being affectionate. Without being too presumptous i imagine that this has not previously been an issue for you in the relationship.

Also, it might be an idea to ask yourself what things were like in the relationship when things were good- what did you both enjoy doing together? Any chance of re-doing some of those things which helped you develope that sense of security and intimacy in the relationship?

Keep your chin up!

euronorris

OK, well, perhaps he just isn't someone who naturally shows physical affection. In which case, you need to start thinking about a compromise.

Figure out what is the minimum amount of affection you want/need and then talk to him again. Let him know that whilst you appreciate that it is not a big deal to him, it is a big deal to you and so you'd like him to meet you somewhere in the middle and then start figuring out a compromise that you can both stick to.

Now, I don't agree with everying in this paragraph:

I have asked him what he would like me to do. I get answers about my appearance (wear a nice skirt, get my hair cut short), things he'd like to do in bed (I won't go into detail, nothing outrageous though!), practical things (dinner on the table when he gets in, a packed lunch so he doesn't have to buy something at work), but he never mentions things about investing time in our relationship. He says he's happy how we are, thinks there's nothing wrong with the state of our relationship.

All the things he mentioned are things that invest in your relationship. They may seem like small things, but they make a big difference and are an integral part of any relationship.

Don't forget that, in general, things that are important to a man in a relationship, can differ quite wildly to what's important to a woman (apart from the major things, like love, fidelity, trust etc).

I think that perhaps he has become a bit complacent with the relationship. ie, he's comfortable and happy and therefore doesn't feel the need to keep trying. I don't think he's trying to hurt you, or that he doesn't care.

Maybe you can try doing the whole hair, make up thing etc the next time you are out with friends together. It will boost your self esteem and is obviously something that he would enjoy too.

Also, I'm sure his mates will notice and compliment you, and that, together with the fact that you've dressed up for the evening, will probably make your OH notice you loads and be more attentive.

[Deleted User]

I wonder if u could actually 'take him back' to how nice it felt in the beginning.., how u used to cuddle and kiss, and how nice it was and how often it happened. Tell him there is no reason u can't feel the same way now.., however long the relationship has been going on. And that u'd both enjoy it. But perhaps try and not get to intense about it, say it with a smile on your face and I bet u stand far more chance of him wanting to investigate old feelings!

PLUS u might want to try making yourself feel better. I recently had my dad come round for a visit.., first thing out of his mouth was 'You've put on weight'. I hid upstairs for the rest of his visit. I knew I had but having someone like that just say it was not nice. I have now lost a stone in weight, gone down from a 14 to a 12.., but before I even did that I bought some clothes I really wanted on ebay (some designer jeans, tops and a matrix type coat I'd wanted for ages, spent hardly anything cause it was ebay) and made myself feel a lot better about how I looked altho in reality I was unchanged skin wise. I also cut my hair (money is short) and making sure I take the time to titivate a bit more than I have done for a year or two. Consequently I am walking around with a smile on my face, with a bit of a bounce in my step and losing weight just added to it., I felt better BEFORE I lost weight. My OH has noticed, and I just feel so much better about myself. Then u might, possibly, not NEED him to make u feel better about yourself because u already do. Expecting others to make u feel better is kindof a downward spiral cause deep down u feel miserable and we tend to notice things that reinforce the negative image we have more than the positive things people say when u've in that frame of mind. If u feel better about yourself and more confident, it doesn't tend to matter so much what others say or do.., your more resilient to negativity because u know its not true within yourself.

Plus something that helps me.., when u'r walking around, find someone who's a little overweight.., and ask yourself what u think. I bet u hardly notice, aren't judgemental at all about this other person. This is how other people view you. We only judge ourselves.

I really hope that this might help u.

Kimitatsu

confused1234 wrote: »

I'm looking deep inside myself and looking for how I am part of things and how I can work on this. Practically I am continuing to "invest" in myself, seeing friends, spending time on my own interests, and I am very happy with this.

I do continue to feel that somehow, there is some exchange going on, just on different terms. What I mean is... I feel that he deals in "practical" gifts of affection. His response when I have said I would like him to be more affectionate, is that he IS affectionate, he's always doing things for me, and will come out with a list of things which he certainly has done, such as taken me and the kids out for tea and paid so I don't have to make tea, fetched me a bar of chocolate from the shop, done little jobs I've asked him to around the house, that sort of thing. I love him doing these thoughtful things and I always make sure to say thankyou, tell him I appreciate it.

I think somehow, he is missing what I mean, which is physical affection, hand holding, kisses, hugs etc, and feels somehow I am negating his gifts of affection. It's almost like he forgets I have shown I am appreciative when I bring this up and says I'm never happy. I think he thinks I should be happy all the time because he's done certain things he know will make me happy, if that makes sense?

I do feel a bit stuck and unhappy at the mo. We'd had a lovely evening yesterday and something came up which will probably sound silly to some but has just made me really upset. I was reading the news online and made a jokey comment about some ladies who were posing nude for a charity calendar and showed him the photo. He took the laptop off me and sat there scrolling through all the pictures. I said is that what you are doing? He said no (he obviously was) and I had to get up and walk out. I don't mind him indulging his whims when he's by himself but after talking to him last week about how I felt quite sensitive about my post-kids body at the moment and how it's difficult to see pictures of other women looking so good, he knows how I feel and I told him I felt he was really insensitive to do that.

He was quiet for a while after that when I came back in, then asked what wad the matter?! I said again I thought he was insensitive, he said really, what did I expect him to do when I started talking about it?!

Completely see his point but what made me madder was that he couldn't even acknowledge why I was upset, like it was wrong. So seething at the mo!

How do I deal with all this?

Can I just say confused that I think you are at a crossroads. Its always difficult when you are at home, your world naturally shrinks and you become less confident about social situations and your own body shape.

You need to learn to love yourself, wrinkles, baggy bits and all of the bits you dont like first because if you think that your husband can make them right then you are kidding yourself. You are an affectionate person but your hubbie is not as affectionate - that could just be because he has never had that displayed to him as a child and doesnt think it is appropriate around your children.

My DH is like yours, it wouldnt cross his mind to bring home a bunch of flowers, but some days I will get home and find he has done the ironing :T that is HIS way of showing affection, rather than being overly romantic. He will still look at women on the telly and in the newspapers - I just tell him if he cant keep one woman happy he has no hope with two :rotfl: I realised long ago that they dont see all the baggy bits that we think they see, because they love us just for being us baggy bits and all.

Think you need to sit down with him and just explain that you feel insecure at the moment and you would like him to be more physically affectionate (without having to have sex at the end of it everytime) because that would make you feel better right now. Dont put the onus on him being in the wrong because he may well kick against it, just put it as something that you think would help you right now.