Relationship advice

GEEGEE8

My ex was like that - no cuddles or kisses, and because I was younger than him when we met and he was my first boyfriend, I didn't know any different. It used to upset me so much, but what you have to realise is that it's probably just how he is.. although he really could make more effort.

My current boyf is the opposite, he innitiates a lot of the kisses, and I initiate the cuddles.. I can't image not laying all over him on the sofa, and I don't think he'd have it any other way either..

I know it's upsetting, have you specifically pointed out that it's upsetting you that there aren't kisses and cuddles unless at bed time?

confused1234_2

Yes we've spoken about it both at the weekend and previously. He's said things such as I shouldn't expect things to be the same now as they were at the start, and that's how people are when they've been together for a while.

I know things do change and evolve, but I think it is often easy to get caught up in the humdrum of every day life and put relationship beneath everything else that needs doing, and I don't want to fall into that trap.

I also think in a way that is how he explains what I see as a lack of effort, by saying "that's what happens", but I think he probably sees it in a different light, like we're happy moseying along and he can't see what the problem is if you see what I mean? Where as I remember how things have been, not just at the start but for a while, and I see it as him stopping making an effort and feeling it could reflect on how he sees me or how he feels about me.

If he knows we have some "grown up" time where we can do whatever we like, he's more than happy to laze about on the sofa together and that kind of thing. But last night when I went for a kiss and a cuddle with him and he did his jokey what are you doing? and held me away from him, I honestly could have cried. If it didn't upset me so much it'd be a running joke about him pushing me away.

And this morning he asked why I was in such a mood, I was going to explain but thought, I really really will sound like I'm repeating myself here because we've talked about it quite a bit over the last week or so and I really will sound like a nag... I have no idea what to do now about it.

January20

The way I see it, his life hasn't changed since you met, got together and had children. In fact, it has improved because he still goes to work, sees his friends regularly, comes home to a nice house, a loving wife and a couple of kids, cooked meals, looked after and sex whenever he wants I presumed (I'm sorry I can't call it "special cuddles").

For you, it's different. You don't go to work anymore, your world has shrunk and your life revolves around the house and the children, looking after your family and I really understand how you must feel undervalued and taken for granted. Being a sahm is not fulfilling for everybody. Why shouldn't you want to feel appreciated, valued and loved?

I've read your posts and I think you have only one choice. You can't change him. You can't make him be what he can't or won't be but you can change yourself. You need some time away from house and children to find yourself again, to be yourself again. You could pick up old friendships again, you could start going to the gym or swimming, take up an activity of some sort, a hobby outside the home. He can look after the children for a couple of hours whilst you are doing something else can't he? Broaden your horizon, get out of your routine, in a sense, meet new people and find new interests.

I have a feeling that when your OH realises that there is more to your world than he thought, he might start paying attention again

confused1234_2

Thank you January20. I have just recently started trying to "find myself" again, and I mean very recently, and I have liked it I have been seeing friends more over the last week or two, making plans and arrangements outside of the family as well as with them, and I do feel better for it.

I have noticed that he has been more interested in what I have been doing, as in he's made a lot more chatty, interested in my day, asking what my plans are for the weekend. He does seem more interested in me from that perspective. He made a comment the other day to his mum whilst I was there saying how he really liked what I had done with my clothes and the style I was wearing, after I'd been out shopping on Saturday and bought some new things and how I looked really nice.

I suppose that leads to the question of whether I carry on as me, being affectionate as usual, feeling like I'm being rejected most of the time unless there's time for getting down to it, or what other way I deal with it. I'm not a petty person but I must confess to feeling inclined to go on strike until he sorts it out, but then I feel like that would be belitting the input he makes to the household because despite my protests of him not being affectionate, he is very good practically, apart from going to work, and I don't want him to think I don't appreciate that.

skypie123_2

Have you asked him why he keeps pushing you away in this 'jokey' manner?
I would be livid if I kept getting rejected like that. How can he think thats funny?

confused1234_2

May be "jokey" wasn't the right word, what he did/does is when I go up to him and put my arms round his waist, or give him a kiss, he'll reciprocate for a second then sort of put his hands on my shoulders, moving me away gently, asking what I'm doing, always with a smile, I think so it appears gentle rather than "get lost, get offa me!" sort of thing.

I'll say something like "well we haven't seen each other all day" (all seductively lol) and lean in and he'll do it again, the message being loud and clear so I stop:(

You know, I haven't asked him why he does it but I have said it is very hurtful and I understand people don't want to be kissy kissy every time their partner does but but to do it that often is starting to make me think that he doesn't like me anymore. He says I'm silly, of course he likes me/he's got stuff to do/he's got to pop out/he just wants his own space for a bit (this is a common one)/I always take things personally/(when he's annoyed) it's always about me and I should just chill out.

Fair enough, any of these are valid but to get any one of them most of the time starts to tell me there's something not right or... he just can't be bothered!

Person_one

confused1234 wrote: »

May be "jokey" wasn't the right word, what he did/does is when I go up to him and put my arms round his waist, or give him a kiss, he'll reciprocate for a second then sort of put his hands on my shoulders, moving me away gently, asking what I'm doing, always with a smile, I think so it appears gentle rather than "get lost, get offa me!" sort of thing.

I'll say something like "well we haven't seen each other all day" (all seductively lol) and lean in and he'll do it again, the message being loud and clear so I stop:(

You know, I haven't asked him why he does it but I have said it is very hurtful and I understand people don't want to be kissy kissy every time their partner does but but to do it that often is starting to make me think that he doesn't like me anymore. He says I'm silly, of course he likes me/he's got stuff to do/he's got to pop out/he just wants his own space for a bit (this is a common one)/I always take things personally/(when he's annoyed) it's always about me and I should just chill out.

Fair enough, any of these are valid but to get any one of them most of the time starts to tell me there's something not right or... he just can't be bothered!

Not that I don't think your feelings are valid at all OP, but just a view from the other side of the coin. My OH is a lot more physically affectionate than I am naturally. He'll often want to kiss or cuddle or just be very very close to me so that I have absolutely no personal space!

I love him very much but I do on occasion feel a bit smothered by this. I truly do need a bit of space and some quiet alone time. If he's so close that I can't move my arms/legs/head AT ALL without hitting him, then I feel closed in!

Only you will know if this is a new thing for him, but I just wanted to let you know that it is possible to love someone, be attracted to them, yet not want masses of kisses and cuddles and hand holding all the time.

confused1234_2

I take your point person_one and that is very helpful. I am wary of being smothering, and we do both have our own time, he'll go and play Xbox in the other room, I'll hop on here for a bit, we leave each other to it and he'll come in here when he's done, for example. Or he'll go and potter in the garage doing his man things (lol) whilst I read a book or whatever.

I suppose my issue is that he will never instigate affection. He never used to be like this, in fact if anything it used to be the other way around, he was really quite "manly" about it and I thought it was lovely:)

I have no problem initiating things, but it is 99% of the time me who does it, and I swear in the last week, when I've gone for a smooch, and I'm only talking if we walk past each other in the kitchen, he's been like I mentioned. I could understand it if I was all over him whenever he was in the room but I've been so careful not to so he's got his space, or not to smother him, but still he's not been interested... until bedtime.

I'm going to have to leave this alone for a bit as I'm getting all upset now thinking about it!:(

confused1234_2

Somehow we had another argument about this earlier out of the blue.

I wasn't going to bring it up again with him but we were talking about something else and somehow it went off on a tangent and off it went...

I explained how hurtful it was when he did what he did, I understood he probably saw it differently to me but for him to have a think how it comes across.

He said all sorts of things, like...

I read into things far too much and it doesn't mean anything.

He does like his own space, a lot.

I just like moaning about things.

If I don't want to "get down to it" when we're in bed then don't bother, I don't have to.

Do I see other couples we know all over each other all the time?

I did think it interesting though that what he said about to him it didn't mean anything like he didn't like me anymore, or he couldn't be bothered, he just sees it as a natural progression of our relationship to not be as touchy feely anymore, and if I hadn't brought it up he wouldn't have felt there was a problem.

I did point out when he said may be he just wasn't like that, that he did used to be like that and that was something that bothered me.

He went out and when he came back later he gave me the massivest hug and swept me and the kids out for a drive which he knows I like:)

GEEGEE8

awwww.. I think you are worrying way too much, but at the same time I know how hurt you must feel.

I don't know what to suggest really.. you either need to be happy with it or not I suppose, it doesn't sound like he wants to change.

Is he affectionate when you are 'at it'? I mean does he kiss you and snuggle up to you afterwards? Maybe you could concentrate on looking forward to that instead?

xx