Relationship advice

angelicmary85

confused1234 wrote: »

Sue, I definitely remember reading that article somewhere, it was very interesting.

I read it too. It was a really good article.

dipsy

sounds like you two need a real night away... as in nice hotel spa..hard to do when limited budget... get kids to do spa stuff like massage feet..girls to do mums hands...rub dads feet.. works for me...my daughter always

pigpen

confused1234 wrote: »

Thankyou again for your replies.

I decided I would start today, I went over to visit a friend with kids the same age as mine who I hadn't seen for a while this afternoon and as we always end up having a great time and staying til kids' bedtimes, I knew the kids would all have fun and got the chance to have grown-up talk! Must admit I always wonder when I do manage to see friends why I don't do it more often.

When we got back, he'd been busy sorting out some things I'd needed doing around the house which was nice of him

Talking to him later, I mentioned about getting a babysitter at the weekend and going out us two, he said "yeah ok." Mentioned going to see a film, he said "yeah whatever." I said he didn't sound all that enthused, he got all irritated and said he was tired from work, ok?

Too much?

Maybe he just doesn't believe you will actually find a babysitter.. or maybe the idea of going to the cinema bores him.. Try food ~ cinema ~ beer .. so long as they are fed and watered they'll allow the bit in the middle..

What interests do you both share? Children aside... Is there anything you can do around those interests?

What did you do before you were mum/wife/chief slave and dog washer?

We are all taken for granted to some extent, you take him for granted the same.. you 'expect' he will go to work and use the money to pay the bills etc.. I 'expect' mine will feed the cats.. I am so shallow.. but that is the way of life.

try.. 'you didn't sound too excited about the cinema but I have booked a sitter from 7 (or whenever) is there anything you would prefer to do?'

dipsy

can you imagine thinking ten years on that your with the wrong man....as hard as it is go for the one you love..

confused1234_2

pigpen wrote: »

Maybe he just doesn't believe you will actually find a babysitter.. or maybe the idea of going to the cinema bores him.. Try food ~ cinema ~ beer .. so long as they are fed and watered they'll allow the bit in the middle..

What interests do you both share? Children aside... Is there anything you can do around those interests?

What did you do before you were mum/wife/chief slave and dog washer?

We are all taken for granted to some extent, you take him for granted the same.. you 'expect' he will go to work and use the money to pay the bills etc.. I 'expect' mine will feed the cats.. I am so shallow.. but that is the way of life.

try.. 'you didn't sound too excited about the cinema but I have booked a sitter from 7 (or whenever) is there anything you would prefer to do?'

I just mentioned cinema as it was the first thing that sprang to mind as a "date" activity. We did used to have a babysitter but when money got tight we had to forgo babysitter and going out so not used one for a while.

We both used to like going to see concerts, comedy at the theatre, but even though I still look to see if there's anything on, a lot of it is midweek so we end up missing it as he's said it's a lot of hassle to go out in the week and we may as well just wait til the weekend.

I know what you are saying about "expecting" him to go to work, but I do let him know it is appreciated, he works hard at his job, he's good at it but he's often tired from it, I make sure I tell him often it is appreciated. In return he says nice things like thankyou for dinner, you must be tired running after the kids and takes over so I can have a sit down when he gets in, which is lovely of him.

I will try asking him what he might like to do, I sensed last night he wasn't interested in thinking about it so left it but will mention it later, thing is if I don't think of something myself it'll be drinks then meet up with whoever else is out and about in town which isn't my idea of a date night:(

RAS

confused1234 wrote: »

Talking to him later, I mentioned about getting a babysitter at the weekend and going out us two, he said "yeah ok."

So he is happy to go out together?

Mentioned going to see a film, he said "yeah whatever."

Maybe he did not particularly fancy a film? What sort of thing does he enjoy doing with his mates?

I said he didn't sound all that enthused, he got all irritated and said he was tired from work, ok?

So you blew it. He responded positively to your first suggestion and you wanted a more enthusiastic response and criticised him for his response.

Too much?

Did you discuss the outing before or after you had thanked him for doing all this things on the house? Gave him a kiss and a hug?

confused1234_2

RAS wrote: »

Did you discuss the outing before or after you had thanked him for doing all this things on the house? Gave him a kiss and a hug?

We talked about going out when it was just me and him after kids' bedtimes. When we walked in earlier I was surprised because he'd got some stuff done he didn't say he was going to do but knew I'd like doing so told him that was sweet, thankyou.

He'll go and see films now and again, it's just the first thing that came to mind really. With his mates he goes to the pub, sometimes watches football.

When I said he didn't sound all that enthused, what I meant wasn't a criticism but my way of saying "you don't sound keen on that, is there something else you'd prefer?" I really wasn't criticising although I can see how it could come across like that, in fact I'd absolutely love it if he suggested something!

I think the good thing so far is I've been to see friends more times this week than I have in the past few months:o, both with kids and without. I've been catching up on "me" things, even just having a book to read of an evening, and I feel a lot better about myself just having done that, plus strangely, or not so strangely really, I've spent less time thinking and focusing on just our relationship and lookin at the bigger picture.

Bufger

To me it doesnt sound like a heart to heart is needed, it sounds like you need to get yourself more of a social life so you can start to feel more alive again.

Time and time again we see people around us fall into this trap but its never anyone elses doing. If you start to care about yourself more, make more effort in your appearance, go out with friends more and just enjoy your life then you'll start to see a big difference in your relationship straight away.

Yes you're a mother and a wife but you're also still young and fun. You can be all those things if you put the effort in

confused1234_2

I see that point definitely. I suppose what I want to know is if he'll start being more affectionate again, arranging dates again, he's always been quite an old-fashioned style man and used to like taking me out on dates, even just holding hands when we're out and I'd really like a bit of that back. I feel like if I don't arrange things or initiate affection then it's very rare he will initiate it:(

Bufger

confused1234 wrote: »

I see that point definitely. I suppose what I want to know is if he'll start being more affectionate again, arranging dates again, he's always been quite an old-fashioned style man and used to like taking me out on dates, even just holding hands when we're out and I'd really like a bit of that back. I feel like if I don't arrange things or initiate affection then it's very rare he will initiate it:(

He will as soon as he starts to notice you again. I'm male, me and my partner both reached the point where we were contempt with each other, we both put on a bit of weight, we both got lazy and we both took each other for granted. After a while you just fall into the stereotypical roles and its at this point that only people who actively try to change will be able to. Some people dont even notice they are doing it and its those that normally fail, at least you have self awareness which is a big first step.

Call some of your friends and have a girly night, change your hairstyle to something a bit younger/funkier that suits you, buy some nice new clothes that are classy but younger and still be affectionate to your OH. If he doesnt respond then i'll eat my hat!