Relationship advice

confused1234_2

OK I'll see how it goes, I do like hearing it from a man's perspective!

It does sound quite stark to say when he notices me again though:eek: Maybe I've been like part of the fixtures and fittings, which makes sense as I feel like I spend so much time in the kitchen!

I do feela bit out of the loop though, but is that what keeps a man interested? I know from his comment about how he thought I'd lost some of my independence from when we first met that that must be something he liked? I mean, I don't want to be out every night or spending a fortune on new clothes that I can't afford but the haircut was something I've been getting round to for a while so will do.

Bufger

confused1234 wrote: »

OK I'll see how it goes, I do like hearing it from a man's perspective!

It does sound quite stark to say when he notices me again though:eek: Maybe I've been like part of the fixtures and fittings, which makes sense as I feel like I spend so much time in the kitchen!

I do feela bit out of the loop though, but is that what keeps a man interested? I know from his comment about how he thought I'd lost some of my independence from when we first met that that must be something he liked? I mean, I don't want to be out every night or spending a fortune on new clothes that I can't afford but the haircut was something I've been getting round to for a while so will do.

And they say men never pick up the signs! haha. Yes that would be something he liked. Every man likes an independant woman. I like my good lady to go out with her friends and have a chat and a moan about people etc because it makes her happy and means she wont be in the house moaning and moping around which would bring my mood down too.

I also like it when she says its ok if i go out with my friends or when i just want time to myself to read or play the xbox etc, we all need time with friends, time alone and time with partners to be happy, finding the right mix is the hard bit.

Have a look in some magazines at some nice hairstyles you think might suit your style. Also buy some clothes on the same day and get 'a new look'. Dont tell him you're changing your look, just tell him you're going to get your hair cut - he'll be suprised if its a big enough change. Do make sure it suits your features/face/shape though, a good hairdresser should help.

confused1234_2

I think we have some of the balance there, he'll happily play XBox in the other room whilst I browse the internet then we'll sit together later, I like him going out with his friends because he can indulge his like of beer and talk about man things whilst I watch the soaps and trashy tv, which he hates:)

He says frequently if I want to go and see friends in the week I can, I just haven't taken up the opportunity much until this last few days.

The haircut will be booked later for in a week or two whilst going clothes shopping tomorrow. We should be off out tomorrow, pending checking babysitter is good to go, although still not sure what we're doing yet!

sandiep

Don't enter into a debate about what your doing, you just book it and sort it, and present him with a "fait acomplit" (if that's how you spell it!). That way, he's not thinking of hastles or obstacles, it's just something all planned and sorted. What ever you choose make it fun.

Have you tried getting some evening walks in? Now that the evenings are getting longer and there's that window between teatime and bedtime? it's something we like to do, the kids run on/cycle on whatever, and it gives us a bit of chance for a natter, strolling hand in hand.....etc.

Also, remember all the easy little things;
- kiss goodbye everytime one of you leaves & gets home
- Say/kiss goodnight
- go to bed the same time
- give him a kiss for absolutely no reason at all whatsoever in the middle of the day
- hold hands when you're walking
- tell him you love him.

Also, if he calls you "mum", then get him to stop it. It's OK when the kids are around and he's refer to you to the kids, but you're not his mum, so there is absolutely no excuse for it when it's just him calling/talking to you.

jenhug

hubby and I have been together for 14 and a half years, we still "date". Not as often as we used to but when we do we get the children looked after for the night, and go to a restaurant that is not too child friendly! (and its the only time I wear heels! LOL) We go out for meals with the children at other times, for family meals, trips etc, and we also see our friends alone and together, but its really important that you still work on the couple in the centre of the family unit. One day the children will move on, and you need to continue to keep the interest going so when its just the two of you at the end of the day, there will still be things to say to each other.

confused1234_2

sandiep, I do all those things If being honest I have started to feel a little resentful because they're all either initiated by me (eg hand holding) or done by me (eg kiss for no reason) and this is part of what I'm talking about. I've got into this sad situation where either I initiate things because he doesn't, or I don't initiate them, they don't happen and I stew about it whilst he continues on oblivious:(

When I've talked to him about it before, he says he thinks I like to find things to complain about! We had a really interesting talk last week about how relationships evolve, I got the ball rolling in the spirit of us talking about what we were happy with and what we'd like to do that we don't or haven't done so much recently, such as going out, spending time together, remembering to focus on us as a couple as well as being a family.

This was when he came up with a lot of negative things, such as he "didn't think" I'd want to be invited out, I'm always tired so why would I want to go out, things change when you have children, we do go out when we have time together... We do BUT this is 90% of the time with the youngest in tow who doesn't always go for sleepovers with grandma and grandad yet as still quite young. Of course that's nice but my point was that it isn't the same as being able to relax, together, and just be a couple outside of everything else and remember why we're together in the first place...

confused1234_2

To update...

We had a lovely weekend, just enjoying each other's company. He was really amenable to my thoughts on our relationship and he even opened up, he's not always one for talking about feelings but it was good, I felt really touched he'd shared because that one came unprompted, from him, when we were sat together.

The thing is...

I am starting to properly worry there is actually something the matter. What happened over the weekend was what I thought would happen: we'd have a heart to heart, he'd make an effort, and by the middle of the week it would be back to how it was previously.

Like today, I was out all day with both the kids and came back not long ago and put them straight to bed. I came downstairs and shimmied up to him (lol), thinking he'd be pleased to see me, but what I got was a "what are you doing?", with the smile that means he doesn't want to upset me but wants me to leave off:(

Now I wouldn't mind too much but he's already done that earlier this week, in fact he's done that more than he's reciprocated!

In every other way he's fine, chatty, asks about my day, is probably more interested in what I've been doing than previously, but if it wasn't for the fact that he "snuggles up" in bed (if you get what I mean!) I'd think he didn't find me attractive anymore. Which is also confusing because he does tell me he thinks I am... Why doesn't this make any sense?!!

shaven-monkey

You could always try being unavailable.
Let him make the advances, flirt with him rather than shimmying up.
Just a thought.

confused1234_2

shaven-monkey wrote: »

You could always try being unavailable.
Let him make the advances, flirt with him rather than shimmying up.
Just a thought.

When I've done the unavailable thing before, he either doesn't notice or he thinks I'm mad at him over something if he does notice!

I'd love him to make advances... he just doesn't anymore. If he does reciprocate when I show affection, he tends to see it as a prelude to sex, which it doesn't have to be. If we're in a situation where he knows that can't happen, he pulls away as if there's no point in it:(

shaven-monkey

No special hugs until he earns them?
Buy him a copy of men are from mars, women are from venus to keep him occupied on those long lonely nights.