Tough Love.....

Molly41

I know that its a fine line between babying him and supporting him and it changes on an almost daily basis! I deliberately did not interfere in this instance and my son did not think it through or plan. It became my problem because I care about his welfare and wanted him to learn from this experience in order to develop skills for the future. A lot of kids with Add/ADDH end up in trouble with the police/ out of work/ have chaotic lifestyles with drink/drugs. Now I could easily see this happening with my son as he is so impetuous and easily swayed. Now he is lucky cos he has a really good group of friends and a mum who will try her hardest to help him for however long it takes for him to be independent! I am hopeful that he has learnt some salient life lessons.

Molly41

Just an update!!!! DS1 has gone off to college today. Im keeping my fingers crossed that it goes ok and he has not lost his place. He has learnt a few lessons especially around organising himself and the work place. He was not sacked...there was an amicable arrangement.

Savvy_sewing

Molly41, just be greatful he isnt a girl! then you could potentially be having the same kind of problems I have been having with the twins!. ADHD< dyslexia, dyspracia,, and mild autism. Now needing re-assessing, having babies, loosing babies, loosing jobs, homes and all the rest. It just goes on and on.
Once a parent, unfortunately as you will see, always a parent!

Hope you have a better day today.

You also failed to really mention that you are really quite ill, and that you are not well enough to be driving him around, morning, noon and night!. (Says me talking who spends all my time running around like a headless chicken, even though I am ill.). We both must step back at times, let them mess up, hopefully learn by the mistakes, and unless its a health and safety issue, just pick up the pieces afterwards if we have to?

chin up girl, we are all here to support you. As everyone has with my dilemma's.

Take care,
Moolooxx

Savvy_sewing

Just wondered how it was going in the adult v teenager syndrome. Sorry not been around much this week. Moving Twin2 has been a bit of a minefield my end.
My wayward son has come out of the woodwork for the weekend. Although staying with his sister in the new house, camping out, and not here with me.
How is your son doing?
Do take care, and relax as much as you can.
Mooloo x

oystercatcher

I was wondering how you were too. has DS had his surgery yet? Hope it all went well.

Hugs
P

jenhug

Molly41 wrote: »

.....I know I have got to be tough but why is it so hard? My DS1 is 19. He has ADD but is a bright boy and got three decent A levels. He went to a college of FE to do music production but for the past few weeks has been looking for a job. He found one but its miles away from home. He has no transport, no money. Im determined that he has to be independent in this job. He knows that I would have supported him in education for as long as needed. I feel really mean saying no to lifts and no to requests for money. Yesterday he was really late for his first day as he failed to plan his journey by bus and train. Its the same today:mad: He thinks Im mean as I have requested 50 pounds a week board. he even said I should drive him to work for that money:eek: I did a spread sheet and Im 100 pounds a month down. I wish I could afford for him to learn to drive.

Can I just ask, why are you prepared to support him in education, but not in employment? He has a disability, if he had a broken leg and was on crutches, would you tell him he could use his crutches for college but not at work?

He might be bright, but in the area of personal organisation, he will probably always be lacking. Why wouldn't you help him plan his journey for the first time?

I'm just asking because I have a daughter with Asperger's and ADD, she is going to need support for the rest of her life, thats part of my job, as her mother, isn't it?

jenhug

as an aside, he might get a grant to have driving lessons through the motability scheme.

jenhug

sorry, i made my comments after reading your initial post. I hope it all works out for you both, I do know how hard it is.

Molly41

Thanks for asking how we all are. My DS1 decided that he would go back to college and look for part-time work to fit in with this which he was successful in doing and starts his new job next Thursday. He also decided that he didn't need his operation (ongoing saga) and is working with his physio to strengthen it but will have to face it in the future according to his consultant!

Im pleased that your son has come home for a visit Mooloo x
Hope you doing ok OysterCatcher - I think of you often x

seven-day-weekend

My son is thirty and has Aspergers' Syndrome and slight dyspraxia.

He has always had difficulaty in sequencing and organising and even now needs reminders about things like planning a journey, although he is much better than he used to be.

Only this week I have had to remind him that he needs to make arrangements to be at the airport for 5 a.m for a flight and that there will not be a train at that time of the morning. He had just assumed there would be. I'm glad to say he then instantly checked to see if there were any trains and the answer was no, so he is making other arrangements. Not so long ago he would have got into a terrible muddle about this.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, I think you ought to support your son by helping him plan his route. My son would have had problms with that at his age. We found it helpful for him to have a timetable, including how long it would take to get to the bus stop/station and if it was an unfamiliar route, going beforehand with him so that he would be able to find the way, literally to the bus stop.

I would not necessarily hep him out with the money but I would certainly not hold it over him that you WILL help him if he goes to college. My son didn't want college either and couldn't organise himself to get the work in on time. He has had a job (bar periods of unemployment which were not his own doing) since he was seventeen.

Education is not for everyone, especially those who have difficulty organising themselves. But help him with his journey to work and also, I would gently encourage him to try to find one closer to home. My son now always works in the city centre as he can walk there or cycle (and he knows the way! ).

Hope this helps

(ETA: Just read he has gone back to college and has a part-time job! I'm sure that is much better for him. Wishing you and him well!)