Tough Love.....

itsallinthemind

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If you're worried about his ability to get himself to his new job then spend ten minutes sitting down with him making a plan about how he's going to get himself there on time every day. Then leave him to get on with it. His failure to be organised and independent needs to have consequences or he won't be able to even begin addressing it, never mind figuring out work-rounds or fixes

I would agree with you totally

BUT, the very nature of his condition means that a simple task of looking up some times of transport, getting to the transport on time etc can be overwhelming and occasionally impossible, depending on how much it affects him.

As much s the OP sounds drained from constantly having to whip him into action, I do feel that some support and encouragement may be needed right now. If jobs were ten a penny currently I would let him get the sack through his failure to get to work on time. However, it is much needed income to the household I suspect. I would be inclined to help him plan his route, then the night before (each day) run through it with him and possibly even take him to the first bus/train, but only until it has become a routine, after that tough luck if you get the sack, I still want my housekeeping!

I think possibly for her son(guessing here) the whole workplace dynamic is another minefield he is negotiating and so a tolerance over and above, what you would expect from another teenager, may be required?

I'm not suggesting that the OP holds his hand, just that she supports him for the first week or so.

In terms of housekeeping though I would whip his butt

Molly41

Yes Im beginning to see I may need to be more supportive again as regards the practicalities. He did really well to get this job - I will give him that credit. I was expecting him to be on JSA for weeks on end. Im just so tired of it all really. I thought that it got easier as they got older not harder:(

itsallinthemind

Molly41 wrote: »

Yes Im beginning to see I may need to be more supportive again as regards the practicalities. He did really well to get this job - I will give him that credit. I was expecting him to be on JSA for weeks on end. Im just so tired of it all really. I thought that it got easier as they got older not harder:(

There is only a fine line between wrapping him up in cotton wool and giving support, I think where that lies, only you can really tell as his parent? I think he also needs to know where that fine line is now he is an adult :D

mazinmouse

I meant to say in my earlier post that I left school after my O levels... wasn't going to go back but a spell in the real world temping in a factory focussed the mind. The main reason I went back to school was because in school and then FE college, there were rules and boundaries and with a brain that works overtime or else is in day dream mode, following the rules means that decision making and thinking is done for you.

I reckon that is why I could easily become an out of control jobsworth!

So even though we are less able to organise ourselves we can take being organised by others a lot better than some. Having rules takes a lot of pressure off an ADDer. You may find that working will be the making of your son.

Maybe your son is not enjoying college becuase because he has too high a level of autonomy. Probably for his GCSE and A level courses he was guided and supervised and taught, and did not have to find out or do so much learning by himself. ADDers are not always at their best left to their own devices!

Where the wheels can fall off is when there are no rules. For some but not all ADDers the external restrictions are our life-saver.

As for getting on with a task. My OH realised, even before he knew why this worked, that if I was having a hard time getting started on a task, if he gave me hand or showed an interest or got things started.. then I'd take over and motor on until the job was finished. So giving your son a hand with planning the journey and times is a great suggestion. This method also works with housework in our home!

Itsallinthemind summarised the ADDer exactly. ADDer brains really can find the simplest tasks insurmountable to comtemplate let alone start upon - and likewise, non- ADDers find this notion practically impossible to contemplate.

Although your son may be your older child the likelihood is that he will always feel like the the younger child to you. I was the last to grow up and the last to pass my driving test, leave home, get married and I found it impossible to decide upon a career! I even forgot that I was the eldest child.

pigpen

How about he buys a provisional license and you teach him to drive to and from work a couple of days a week.. obviously you have to drive back home and off to meet him.. but if he paid for petrol.. which is probably not much different to his train fare... This way he has to find his way independantly a few days and can have a driving lesson the other days.. I know it is a trek for you but you did suggest driving lessons!

Maybe you could sit down with him and the timetables and help him plan his route/timings better.. help him be organised in a morning/evening by encouraging him into good practices like getting clothes ready the night before, making a pack up etc.. Just because he is 19 doesn't mean he doesn't need help from his mum sometimes.

Molly41

"Although your son may be your older child the likelihood is that he will always feel like the the younger child to you. I was the last to grow up and the last to pass my driving test, leave home, get married and I found it impossible to decide upon a career! I even forgot that I was the eldest child."

This is so true. I feel such responsibility for him...my youngest child is far more independent in every way. Again I thank you for your comments as they really helped and given me a lot of insight into the difficulties my son faces. I think, on reflection, I have been a little harsh and will temper that but I will strongly encourage him to be independent - as I have done all his life. I will however take a step back and be slower to respond. This will hopefully enable me to cope with the situation instead of it stressing me. My DS1 has a lot on his plate as he is due to have a knee reconstruction next week as he damaged this playing rugby. This has not helped, nor has the fact that he used sport as an outlet and this has not been possible for many months due to injury.

Again thank you to everyone who has commented and given me ideas and suggestions. I have taken them on board and the support is much appreciated.

Oldernotwiser

silvercar wrote: »

Why are you £100 down because he has left education?

The OP will have lost Child Benefit and Child tax Credit when he left education.

Savvy_Sue

Molly41 wrote: »

He thinks Im mean as I have requested 50 pounds a week board. he even said I should drive him to work for that money:eek: I did a spread sheet and Im 100 pounds a month down. I wish I could afford for him to learn to drive.

Have you shown him your spreadsheet? Maybe not the next step, but one to come soon ...

Also, you probably don't want to think about him leaving home just yet, but IF he keeps this job and the travelling is a problem, is there a Foyer near you? That should give him some support, without you having to hold his hand.

Oldernotwiser

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Have you shown him your spreadsheet? Maybe not the next step, but one to come soon ...

Also, you probably don't want to think about him leaving home just yet, but IF he keeps this job and the travelling is a problem, is there a Foyer near you? That should give him some support, without you having to hold his hand.

Foyers aren't really viable for working people because the rents are so high to cover all the support that's offered.

Savvy_Sue

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Foyers aren't really viable for working people because the rents are so high to cover all the support that's offered.

Really? It's a while since I had direct contact with one, but I thought they actively encouraged the young people into work! And that the amount of Housing Benefit which could be claimed would be higher for such supported housing than 'normal' tenancies, to cover that support.

We have a residential facility at work, new-ish, and found after we'd opened that residents could claim a much higher rate of HB if we could justify the rent increase because of their support needs!