Tough Love.....

Molly41

.....I know I have got to be tough but why is it so hard? My DS1 is 19. He has ADD but is a bright boy and got three decent A levels. He went to a college of FE to do music production but for the past few weeks has been looking for a job. He found one but its miles away from home. He has no transport, no money. Im determined that he has to be independent in this job. He knows that I would have supported him in education for as long as needed. I feel really mean saying no to lifts and no to requests for money. Yesterday he was really late for his first day as he failed to plan his journey by bus and train. Its the same today:mad: He thinks Im mean as I have requested 50 pounds a week board. he even said I should drive him to work for that money:eek: I did a spread sheet and Im 100 pounds a month down. I wish I could afford for him to learn to drive.

floss2

Maybe you could suggest he looks at the cost of equivalent accomodation to that he's getting for his £50 a week? I guess he will soon shut up & pay up when he sees the cost of private rented or even lodgings - where he would have to do all his own laundry / cooking / cleaning etc!

robpw2

whilst i appreciate you tryng to make him independent you will still be down money if he loses his job
can you not offer to drive him if he pays for petrol - you should be pleased he has a job as a lot of people are really struggling to find work

Ivrytwr3

i wouldn't, as that is supporting him in his decision to leave education. He wants a job? Then he can make his way there and back. He can now contribute to the household bills.

However, if he were to stay in education.................!!!

lilac_lady

It'll be a learning curve for him if you let him be responsible for his life now.

He may decide to go back into education after seeing that it's an easier option for him at the moment.

robpw2

but whats the point in making him do education if its not where hes happy - he has a job guys he hasnt left and said i dont wanna do that and expecting to sponge he has got himself some work

you should be proud that he is working and not choosing to just sit on the dole - and you should support him in his descision

Ivrytwr3

i wasn't happy doing education. I wish someone would have pushed me when i was younger. It would save me now of having to do all my bloody exams again!!

Even though you think you know everything at that age, you actually know !!!! all!!

flutterbyuk25

(((hugs))) Molly

I think overall that you are doing the right thing by helping him stand on his own 2 feet. He has to learn that people have to plan/schedule/earn money/pay board etc. I work with 16-25 year olds and some of them are absolutely useless and expect everything to be handed to them on a plate!

I know you don't want to give him lifts etc (which I think is right becasue you can't do this forever!) but could you perhaps sit down with him and help him plan his journey to work? It will show that you are taking an interest in his job and that you do want to help him become independant.

Education is definately not for everyone so you should be proud that he has realised this and that he is willing to get a job, not bum round like some people and claim benefits.

HTH

x

mazinmouse

Re statements like how we look back and wish someone had made us continue with our education.. speaking from experience (and now an adult diagnosed with ADD) I couldn't have done anything differently even if my parents had wished otherwise.

I got much more out of education when I was older and had life experience. I just didn't have the wherewithall to cope with studying when I was younger. But later on I did because I had developed the managing strategies that enabled me to manage my life and responsibilities. I didn't realise at the time that what I was doing was developing coping/managing techniques as I didn't have the benefit of knowing I had ADD - I just had to find ways to make things work for me.

I did go to uni but chopped and changed course, couldn't study - couldn't understand why I found it so hard - obviously had a brain and perplexed my tutors. Eventually got my degree but felt unworthy of it and didn't celebrate it.

My ADD kept me immature in many ways but older in others.. Although there is pressure to comply with the normal rules and follow the usual route - if you have ADD it can be harder to comply - we can also tend to live in the moment and make impetuous decisions (sometimes looks like sheer madness to non-ADDers.)

I am just glad that my parents were supportive of my decisions and not judgemental when they didn't all work out. I stress that I am not suggesting OP is or will be judgemental.

I also want to add that my Mum and Dad also helped me understand the cost of living and the nuts of bolts of what things cost. In our house it was a case of 'if you aren't in continuing in education then you go and get a job'.

I also used to change jobs quite regularly so possilby your dilemma may not be a long term one! Good luck with everything.

silvercar

Why are you £100 down because he has left education?

Personally I would loan him enough money, until he gets his first pay, so that he can afford to travel to work using the quickest public transport. I would also sit down with him and plan his route to work.

RedBern

why not see if there's a car sharing scheme in the place he works (or in the general area). He'd have to pay petrol to whoever he shares with, but it would be cheaper and more environmentally friendly!

Also, he should contribute to the family budget - even if you take his £50 and squirrel it away for him to have as a deposit for a flat at a later date. Good luck.