Tough Love.....

the_cat

I think you are on the right track with the tough love, but make sure that you aren't being so tough that he loses his job.

I would expect him to be on probation as is the norm? If any of my new employees was late on their first 2 days, I would be very concerned and if it continued, they would not be kept on!

Molly41

mazinmouse wrote: »

Re statements like how we look back and wish someone had made us continue with our education.. speaking from experience (and now an adult diagnosed with ADD) I couldn't have done anything differently even if my parents had wished otherwise.

I got much more out of education when I was older and had life experience. I just didn't have the wherewithall to cope with studying when I was younger. But later on I did because I had developed the managing strategies that enabled me to manage my life and responsibilities. I didn't realise at the time that what I was doing was developing coping/managing techniques as I didn't have the benefit of knowing I had ADD - I just had to find ways to make things work for me.

I did go to uni but chopped and changed course, couldn't study - couldn't understand why I found it so hard - obviously had a brain and perplexed my tutors. Eventually got my degree but felt unworthy of it and didn't celebrate it.

My ADD kept me immature in many ways but older in others.. Although there is pressure to comply with the normal rules and follow the usual route - if you have ADD it can be harder to comply - we can also tend to live in the moment and make impetuous decisions (sometimes looks like sheer madness to non-ADDers.)

I am just glad that my parents were supportive of my decisions and not judgemental when they didn't all work out. I stress that I am not suggesting OP is or will be judgemental.

I also want to add that my Mum and Dad also helped me understand the cost of living and the nuts of bolts of what things cost. In our house it was a case of 'if you aren't in continuing in education then you go and get a job'.

I also used to change jobs quite regularly so possilby your dilemma may not be a long term one! Good luck with everything.

Thankyou for posting - your situation is almost a mirror image of my own. You have given me insight and hope for the future. I am continually helping my DS to organise and plan for eventualities such as travelling. He cannot seem to think these things through for himself and this time I deliberately did not interfere as I wanted him to be independent. I am also not in a position to be able to give him lifts as my health is poor and some days I cant drive. I dont want him to fail at his job. Im actually really proud of him cos he managed to get a job. I just wish he would stay on and finish his course and work part-time. Tough love is just so hard cos Im an old softie at heart but he has pushed me to my very limits recently.

mrcow

As his mum - if he was struggling with the bus & train, I'd be offering to drop him off at the train station.

Would that be a massive deal out of your way?

babyshoes

I would certainly continue with the tough love in terms of money, but make sure you are as supportive as possible in other ways - sit him down and explain WHY you are doing what you are doing, along with calculations of how much things cost - perhaps have the local paper available to look up rent costs etc. I also like the suggestion someone else made of helping him plan his journey to work in advance - use the internet to look up schedules, and perhaps print timetables out for him. Could you support him by making sure he is awake and fed in time to catch his bus/train? You can still do 'mum' things for him without giving him money! It is a big jump having to learn all these things, so ease him into it if you can!

Perhaps save up the £50 he gives you each month to use for driving lessons, or agree to reduce the housekeeping slightly if he pays for his own driving lessons. If his journey isn't via a motorway, could he get a scooter? The initial training and investment is less than a car. A CBT should only cost around £100-150 and you could find a second hand scooter for not too much money. If you subsidised the initial cost, it would be quite reasonable to expect him to pay petrol and maintenance.

Another idea, if he balks at the cost of the housekeeping money, is to have him buy and cook his own suppers several nights a week, unless you are a stickler for eating together as a family. Otherwise, perhaps include him in your weekly shopping so he sees how much it costs, or ask him to do one grocery shop a week instead of giving you money. When I was in my first part time job, my Mom didn't ask for housekeeping, but (often without being asked) I would regularly stop off on my way home and buy a few things from the shopping list with my own money. I am guessing I bought basics like bread/milk/veg/tins etc at least once a week, if not twice or three times. I wasn't much, but really it is the thought that counts - I would see that things were needed, know Mom wasn't going to do her weekly shop until a certain day, and pick up things to keep us going and save her a journey. It also meant I could buy veg etc that I fancied, not whatever was cheapest on the day...

I think you will get there with him, but just be prepared to bend in some areas so you can keep your stance firm in others! Good luck!

Molly41

Many thanks for all your replies. This situation has been a long and winding road and I have been doing many of the things you have suggested for many years. The planning and organising and trying to enable him to be independent. I know his ADD plays a huge part in all of this but its incredibly frustrating. His 13 year old brother is much more independent in every way and this worries me hugely. Thats why tough love is so hard because in my heart i know he will fall down and get hurt but I have got to let him do this as he wont be told, he wont be shown.

BitterAndTwisted

I think you are doing perfectly fine already. For some young people it's not doing them any favours whatsoever to hold their hands and help them do everything for fear of them failing, a lot need to be left to work out their own solutions and make their own mistakes. Valuable lessons are rarely learned the easy way and if you can't ferry your son about like a free taxi-service on tap 24/7 then you just can't and he needs to work round that. A few weeks getting out of bed really early and schlepping around on public transport might just concentrate his mind on how much better it was in full-time education.

Molly41

Thanks Biter and Twisted. Im hoping that too! He has not officially left college yet and is now on Easter holidays so with a bit of luck it might work. I think he sees his friends so independent with their cars (paid for by parents) and he sees his life as boring in comparison. I have suggested he get part-time work to fit around college as he is only there two and a half days a week so we will see.

sulkisu

TBH I am surprised that you call this 'tough love'. Expecting an adult to get up and get himself to work on time, is not unreasonable. Where I do disagree with you however, is in the fact that you appear to be doing it because he has left university. You say that he should be independent because he is working, but I would say that he should be independent because he is a 19 year old grown man. Even if he had remained in full-time education, he should be capable of getting himself to and from college in time of lectures etc. I am sure that he goes out with his friends or girlfriend without you in tow - at least I hope he does.

The fact that he was late for work, is his responsibility. He will probably get a roasting from his boss if he does it too often, but you have to let him deal with the consequences himself. As long as the journey is do-able, let him do it (even if he has to get up very early, change several buses etc).

Just try not to make it sound as if you are punishing him for leaving full-time education. He is an adult and it should be about him standing on his own two feet and taking responsibility for himself.

You may not approve of his decision to leave college - I can fully understand why - but you should support it.

Molly41

No he is not at Uni - he is at a college of FE doing a BTEC. In some respects I totally agree with you and this was my rationale. BUT....he just doesnt work like that. His ADD really impacts on his ability to be organised and independent. Its more tough for me than him I think !!!!

BitterAndTwisted

The decision might be made for him rather sooner than he imagines if he was late for work on his very first day. I've sacked people five minutes after they showed up for doing just that.

If you're worried about his ability to get himself to his new job then spend ten minutes sitting down with him making a plan about how he's going to get himself there on time every day. Then leave him to get on with it. His failure to be organised and independent needs to have consequences or he won't be able to even begin addressing it, never mind figuring out work-rounds or fixes