#3 son possible exclusion for hitting a bully

aliasojo

Omniaural wrote: »

Presumably you're all here to find ways to duck responsibility for paying back money that wasn't yours anyway so who are you to judge!

Hard to take you seriously or value any points you make after coming out with a wild comment like that.

vaio

Omniaural wrote: »

I signed up because I couldn't let this pass without comment.

I've just read this through this thread and can't believe how some people have reacted to the OP!

She seems able to acknowledge that her son's actions weren't right but is looking for help on how to tackle the verbal and psychological bullying her son is receiving.

Instead she all she gets in response are people bullying her!

In what world is it right to turn on someone who has humbled themselves enough to look for help.

The few voices that show some understanding of what her son is going through are treated as if they are advocates of violent behaviour! In reality, they are just saying the kid should take charge of his own life where the responsible adults have failed him.

Her son's behaviour is in danger of becoming a pattern, but until she can get some advice on how to get the school to stop him being provoked then do you suggest he just stands there and takes the abuse?

Believe me, physical injuries heal much more quickly and easily than the ones left behind by verbal or psychological abuse.

Some of the people on here should take a long hard look at their behaviour on this thread. Presumably you're all here to find ways to duck responsibility for paying back money that wasn't yours anyway so who are you to judge!

Her son has something to learn, but at least his excuse is he's a young adult who has to deal with a not ideal home situation along with everything else your teen years throw at you. What's yours!

I’m inclined to say that the major problem that the OP needs to address is her above average sized son knocking lumps out his smaller class mates plus what ever issues have resulted in the “exit” card being provided rather than worrying about some name calling.

If you are big it’s relatively easy to walk away from name calling, less so if you are small and someone is holding you against a wall and punching you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

'Believe me, physical injuries heal much more quickly and easily than the ones left behind by verbal or psychological abuse.'

That'll be why I have scars from being shoved through a plate glass door 25 years ago then. I suppose the fact the perpetrator was unhappy at home made it OK for her to do this. Not to worry.

Following your logic, calling me nasty names was so much more traumatic than this - or having to defend myself when she tried to stab me in the face (something that would not have happened had she not got away with the first one by saying someone in the crowd had said mean things to her).

She may have been a victim at home, but that didn't make it OK to be a predator at school. As it was, in defending myself against being stabbed, I nearly killed her - she ended up with a broken nose, cheekbone and two ribs. I am not proud of this. It wasn't ever funny.

But her parents finally accepted that the home problem was causing the situation and took her out of school.

jellyhead

Raksha wrote: »

He has been seen by CAHMS who say there is nothing they can do, and he's had sessions with Connexions at school, which he describes as 'useless because all they do is get me to talk about my feelings'....

If he didn't thump the bully, he'd burst into tears with frustration. He's a very kind, loving and sensitive soul. and like another poster's son, keen on his rugby.

I have seen the schools anti bullying policy, but to be honest, it's all 'fluff'

No offence but this all sounds very negative towards the people who are in a position to help. I appreciate that you may not have seen any evidence of them wanting to help you and are probably just feeling really overwhelmed and helpless about the situation but CAMHS and connexions are there to help children who are not dealing well with the rough and tumble and verbal warfare in high school.

Last year my son lashed out. He was nearly 13, same as yours. When 5 or 6 kids piled onto him (in a classroom) he stabbed them with a compass, and drew blood on one boy. By using a weapon he could have been suspended for 2 days but the school decided to allow him to go into isolation instead, because witness reports and their own observations confirmed that my son was scared and didn't know what else to do. The teacher wasn't there, and they aren't allowed to leave the classroom.

By working together with the school and CAMHS things got much better. CAMHS can help counsel children about how they feel when they are bullied and what ways they could react. They helped my boy to see that he CANNOT retaliate with violence - it's not acceptable.

School encouraged him to join clubs at lunchtimes and widen his social circle. This might look like the bullies have won but it isn't about hiding away or avoiding the bullies, it's about getting self confidence and self esteem and having more friendly faces, more conversations with nice kids to brighten his day. Having interests in their lives and acquiring new skills makes them happier so they are less of a target for bullies - it means the bullies don't matter so much because there's more to school life than just the bullies.

He was referred to somebody to assess him for autism and dyspraxia, and the dyspraxia assessment is going ahead which has made a difference to his confidence - if his 'difficulties' are due to dyspraxia rather than him being a complete failure as a person (his words) that means he can stop hating himself and won't be such a target for bullies.

You say your son is big - is he tall, or is he overweight too? If he is overweight then getting help with that might boost his self esteem to a point where the taunts won't affect him to such an extent.

Do school run anger management classes?

Can you see CAMHS along with your son? I went for the initial appointment with mine and found it very helpful.

Connexions wanting him to talk about his feelings is not a bad thing, seeing as it's his feelings and his response to being taunted that causes his inappropriate behaviour, and violence is inappropriate, even against the foulest bullies.

All these things might help him at home too.

Treacly

Omniaural wrote: »

Presumably you're all here to find ways to duck responsibility for paying back money that wasn't yours anyway so who are you to judge!

Oi! We're not all in debt you know - but some of the wisest people on this forum are, and they're worth listening to and learning from.

ailuro2

Omniaural wrote: »

Presumably you're all here to find ways to duck responsibility for paying back money that wasn't yours anyway so who are you to judge!

I'm here from way before I started to pay off my mortgage in three years, which we did 6 months early - you'll probably think we're dead rich cos we've done it less time, eh?:p We're not, it's just this site has helped us to get better deals and spend less on the things we DO buy, so we could afford to overpay our modest mortgage.:j

Back to the topic in hand.....

Has anyone else read the OP's post about her son's behaviour in previous times, I think before people leap in accusing anyone else of bullying behaviour they should take a minute to read what has been previously written.

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=2256233&highlight=raksha+chair+bully

also, it would seem the OP has got previous for physical retaliation too...

Raksha wrote: »

I was bullied relentlessly, until I stood up to them. This happened twice - once was in woodwork, when the bully got me cornered as I was washing a paint brush, asking if she had given me permission to use that sink - I painted her face straight down the middle with the wet (sadly with water only) paint brush.
The second time was in English, teacher turned his back for a second and the bully started on me - I picked up the empty chair beside me and threw it across the desk at her!

the same girl, I believe, was also said to have locked an art teacher in his supply cupboard and he was seen at the little window about the door crying........

Never write anything down that you won't be happy to read and digest at a later date??;)

jellyhead

vaio wrote: »

I’m inclined to say that the major problem that the OP needs to address is her above average sized son knocking lumps out his smaller class mates plus what ever issues have resulted in the “exit” card being provided rather than worrying about some name calling.

If you are big it’s relatively easy to walk away from name calling, less so if you are small and someone is holding you against a wall and punching you.

I don't mean to jump on you, but I think this is unfair. He is just a 12 year old, whatever his size. He's not even a teenager. He shouldn't be punching ANYONE regardless of their size - size should not come into it at his age, he's the same age as the other kids.

Yes, he should be taught not to use violence, but no way should we be expecting him to consider his weight/height relative to the other kids. That's just singling him out because of his size, which is unfair.

As for the exit pass, I don't know much about that, only autistic children have them at our school, and if the OP's son is autistic then he may have problems controlling his temper and perhaps needs more help and support.

pigpen

Have you approached the school about this particular lad bullying your son before?
Has he actually bullied your son?

My youngest son was excluded for a day for breaking a girls nose.. what was not taken into account was that he lashed out because 3 girls, 2 of whom are much bigger than him set about him because he was in the dinner queue in front of them. These girls I had been in to school about on numerous occasions.. evil little witches stay well away from him now!

The only way sometimes to not become a victim is to become a bully which is a vile situation and it needs addressing by the governor and possibly the local authority too if it is not being sorted.

If there werre more bullies than victims my child wouldn't even be there!!

What a horrible school it sounds like.. the standard of teaching must be appalling if they cannot sort out a few bullies and maintain a reasonable level of discipline!

The LA should have an anti-bullying team you can request come into school and speak to staff and pupils. I had our in.. they told DS2 he should try to have things in common with the bullies.. I went off my head.. said they were encouraging DS2 to become a vile little creature like the evil children and not teaching them they couldn't go around beating on smaller children.

Raksha

Never write anything down that you won't be happy to read and digest at a later date??

And don't take things out of context.......

Those incidents were back in the early 70's, when you didn't have 'anti bullying policies', you had to try your best to sort it out yourself. I know the torment I went through that drove me to taking those actions and the last thing I want is for my son to grow up with the same feelings (which have lasted well into adult hood and seriously affected my life, to such as extent that I am currently on anti depressants and have a nervous breakdown and am sometimes suicidal)

Jojo - I now understand where your lack of tolerance for those who fight back comes from.

Update - he has an external exclusion for 2 days. We then have an appointment with the Assistant head teacher to discuss the behaviour which led to this reaction and I will be asking them how this fits with their anti bullying policy.

I have asked him why he chooses to ignore both the school and me and take notice of his Dad. He wanted to impress/please his Dad (like a majority of other young boys I suspect), but realises it was foolish.

He has an exit card because he finds it so hard to deal with the bullying and stuff in class that sometimes he just has to walk out.

I asked our GP about autistic spectrum, and it was he who arranged for the lad to meet with CAHMS, who said there was nothing they could do to help (I was at that meeting).

To those who say my son is a bully - bullies pick on others to make themselves feel better, they strike the first blow.

pigpen

Oh bullies don't do not always make the first blow.. far from it.. they whittle away at the confidence and self esteem until the victim can take it no longer and lash out in anger or shame or sheer frustration... said bully then wails VERY loud about the injustice of it all.

I was also bullied very briefly, continual name callin, spitting on, hair pulling etc.. it was a group of children in high school .. I went for the ringleader and pummelled them half daft.. I was very tiny and the main bully was very untiny! but I was just at the end of my tether.. I had spoken to staff and even the head and nothing had been done and I was not going to be miserable in my one sanctuary from my bullying father!