#3 son possible exclusion for hitting a bully

joeblack066

snowmaid wrote: »

This business about standing back and being a punch bag is utter rubbish and drives me mad.

I certainly don't condone violence and have taught my children to walk away from trouble. However, if someone is going to lay a hand on them my children will defend themselves.

My son was being bullied by a little runt who was much smaller than himself, but I had taught my children to walk away. This kid saw it as a sign of weakness and the bullying escalated to the point that he slapped my boy across the face on a bus.

Up until then my child had asked me not to say anything to the school and that he would handle it.

The slap in the face was the last straw. I wrote a letter to the school stating what had been happening and that either they deal with it properly, or my child would not be punished for the consequences of defending himself. I told them that it is all very well to say that the kids musn't retaliate it, but either they level the playing field and deal with it or the person being bullied must be able to defend themself without fear of being disciplined.

The child was dealt with straight away and seems he has now been excluded.

You are very lucky the school dealt with it. At DD's school, nothing happens to the bully, even after they have been ohysically violent, as long as they say "Sorry". This has happened at least 6 times in 18 months to DD. Now her Pastoral Manager (!) has been discussing DD with DD's peers and called DD irrational!!! I loathe my DD school, I have had three sons go through same school over over the last 13 years and I have watched it get progressively worse. Am up at school on Monda to sort out out this name calling bythe teacher. :-(

ailuro2

hitting someone for calling you a name is not acceptable, there are no excuses he can give to get out of that one...


If someone tries to hit him he's entitled to block it and stop damage to himself if he can. These kinds of scuffles normally have a bit of verbal going on before it comes to blows, he needs to be taught how to deflect it away from becoming physical.

If someone calls him a name he's entitled to tell them to sod off and get a life, or of course call them a name back.

He took it too far / overreacted, you need to help him see this and make sure he knows why he is being punished (again) for it....

You might not agree with his punishment, but someone needs to point out to him that it's a tough world out there, and none of us can go around hitting someone who calls us a name, or says something we disagree with, or just looks at us the wrong way, otherwise we end up being called a thug. Once you have that reputation it invites more aggravation, it's a vicious circle.

Let the school know you don't agree with him hitting other pupils, but that you're willing to work with them to help stop it happening again, and also ask for the other kid to be punished too.

mrcow

Raksha wrote: »

No, not same bully, seems almost like there are more bullies than victims in this particular school

So your son is going around being violent to children who are physically smaller than him when they've shown no physical aggression towards him and in your eyes, he's the "victim"?

He needs to learn that this is NOT the way that you deal with conflict. And that teaching needs to start with you and be extended into the school.

What plans do the school have in place for supporting him?

Has he apologised yet? If not, why not?

TheEffect

I work in a secondary school and deal with such problems quite often. Your son warrants an exclusion. He hit a pupil because he called him a name. Yes, he has been bullying your son, but you/son should have dealt with this by contacting the relevant staff, making sure and being persistent that this child is a bully and needs to be dealt with. If nothing if done (which is unlikely as if he has been bullying your son, this would have been picked up on my staff/reports from other children) then you take it further.

Fighting fire with fire will get you nowhere.

Obviously as you're his mother, you're not going to agree with my comments, but as is life.

daska

TheEffect wrote: »

If nothing if done (which is unlikely as if he has been bullying your son, this would have been picked up on my staff/reports from other children) then you take it further.

Sadly this isn't always the case. It should be! DS1 didn't report the bullying he was experiencing at his current school because bullying was never dealt with at his last school and he didn't think it would make a difference. Why did he leave his last school? Because he was punched in the face. Did the school have a 'bullying problem'? Allegedly not, but having since spoken to another couple of parents it seems DS1 was not alone and all reports of bullying had been dealt with by being ignored - no official record means no problem...

Treacly

I'm interested in the labels 'bully' and 'victim' in these cases...it can be impossible for an objective observer to tell the difference, frankly, and in many (most?) cases the truth is not that clear-cut, black and white. 'My child's a victim, yours is a bully', say the parents - never, never, never the other way round. Who are all these orphan bullies? Where do they come from?

Indie_Kid

TheEffect wrote: »

you/son should have dealt with this by contacting the relevant staff, making sure and being persistent that this child is a bully and needs to be dealt with.

When I was in secondary school, nothing was ever done. I refused to go to school and got moaned at because I wasn't there. They said "we can't deal with the bullying if you're not there". Fine then, I shall just have my bag nicked and ripped again & again and my mobile phone smashed, should I?

I got bullied one time and the teacher's response was to laugh? Oh wait, this was the same teacher who gave me !!!! when I turned around and thumped someone. Why did I thump him? He was doing the same to me and had been for months. Despite me screaming (yes, really) she just sat there and did nothing.

mandragora_2

OP has only had one side of the story - her son's. Wonder if she has the whole truth? There may be more to the events beforehand than meet the eye. Perhaps better to wait and see what the investigation by the school tells her.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Excuse me for copying an excerpt from an earlier post of yours...

''Yes OH is a bully - but the very subtle kind, and he'd probably be very upset to hear me say it (that's the subtle bullying again). For instance, this evening I got a letter from Army Cadets saying #2 son hadn't returned his uniform (I know he did, I took him up there and waited while he took it in and came out without it), so OH was telling me that I should contact them and tell them all this. I told him I wasn't stupid and that was exactly what I was going to do - he kept on, telling me what I should tell them, and when I said more forcefully that was what I was going to do - he threw the baking tray with sausages on it on the floor!

The boys came home yesterday to a broken computer keyboard in the middle of the living room floor because he'd found both their bedrooms in a mess..... ''

I would suggest that the problems at home need to be addressed. Perhaps he wouldn't be so reactive towards nasty comments if he wasn't a) swallowing back a heck of a lot of repressed anger towards someone too big and powerful for him b) taught that lashing out is the only appropriate response c) wasn't overeating to try and anaesthetise his emotions?

He may be a bully at school - exclusion isn't something they like doing, because it makes their figures look bad, if nothing else - but he sounds like a victim at home. The two descriptions aren't mutually exclusive.

Lashing out like that is just as likely these days to get him 'sorted out' by an elder brother or a gang of them after school. Or he could end up really hurting someone else.

coolcait

Hiya Raksha

At the end of your previous thread about your son's behaviour, and all of the other family dynamics, you said that you'd persuaded your OH to go for family counselling. Have you managed to see a counsellor yet? If so, maybe the counsellor could give you some advice on how to deal with your son's behaviour.