ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

*Louise*

OP - I can understand how frustrated you must be with this situation.

I would strongly recommend pooling all your income, have a main bills account, then split whatever is left into seperate spending accounts for you both. It doesn't need to be 50/50, esp if he needs extra money for work lunches or whatever but it's not fair that you are having to use all your savings just because he can't/won't try and keep track of money.

I would cancel the holiday until you can get everything sorted out together. And definitely stop bailing him out all the time, or you will have no savings left.

Personally, if my husband wasn't prepared to sit down and discuss finances with some maturity, and decided to block me from his emails (petty!) and told me he wouldn't be home all weekend I would have his bags packed and waiting for his return.

Thankfully, it sounds like yours has calmed down and will be home after all.

Good luck

belfastgirl23

I kind of think this is a bigger question within your marriage. You both have specific roles - you are the bigger earner by quite a bit and also are the 'looker after'. Your husband has been used to that as a system. But now with the LO to look after your roles have been reversed. You are no longer earning wodges of cash and are understandably looking to your husband for support, both financial and practical. And it sounds to me like he is freaking out a little about it which is again not uncommon in men who are new dads. It's just all got focused around the money.

Can you sit down and talk through this major life change, how it's affecting your relationship and how you want to be in the future? I can see your frustration at the minute and understand totally why you feel like that but you need to set it aside, look at the man you married (and who you have defended ferociously here which makes me think you love him ) and talk to him. You need to say that this is really worrying you, that you panic when he seems out of control etc. Try to think of what you are feeling rather than getting into accusations about his behaviour though, otherwise you get into a terrible dynamic of blame and defence. Which will not solve anything.

It is a really difficult thing in relationships to acknowledge change and try to come to an agreed way of handling it. Especially when that change also brings a trail of nappies and feeds etc I think at the minute you are trying to 'fix' things which is obviously the kind of person you are. But you need to step back and get him to acknowledge that there is a problem that needs fixed.

I would also say though that you have been trying to put a band aid on the problem. His spending is clearly an issue for both of you and if he hasn't been able to address it before now, you have a lot of work to do to try to get him to do so now.

onlyroz

If you were the higher wage earner, then why isn't *he* the one giving up his job?

beasygirl

This thread has really struck a chord with me.

OP I can totally sympathise, its hard work when a couple are not on the save page with regards to finances, I've always been the one bringing in a regular incoming and having to juggle finances in order to pay the bills.

I have never given myself 'pocket money' all my wages go on bills and debts . When DH had a job he had £100 to do with what he wanted and the rest went on the household bills and this worked for us.

My only problem now is that DH still has his poket money but does not bring in another wage :mad: but thats a whole different thread.

I think if you take what you need from him out of his wages in order to pay the bills, save money etc and leave him the rest then at least you have that accounted for. What he chooses to do with it is his business, but that does me he can't take any money from your savings when his has run out.

I wish you well and hope you sort this before it becomes an even bigger issue.

euronorris

floss2 wrote: »

It's been done before, and everyone posting on them accepted that each couple / relationship was different and that what works for some will not necessarily work for others

Yeah, I know, I remember the thread. I just didn't want this thread to get sidetracked, that's all.

BitterAndTwisted

What I would do between now and when hubby gets home later is to prepare an SOA including a provision for absolutely everything which reflects both of your current incomes and print it out. I would then leave it somewhere obvious for him to look at and digest while you're out this evening. That way, you will have sown some seeds without having to discuss it directly until after the weekend.

Maybe, once he's seen it all in black and white he might become more approachable.

In the meantime, regardless of whether you both "deserve" a holiday later this year, I would cancel it until some savings have been accrued from your incomes to cover it. I also would not touch any savings for the time being unless this loft-conversion and the sale of the property are absolutely vital to your future plans. Obviously I don't know your complete circumstances but a dispassionate observer could say that this loft-conversion might not be vital at all

turbo

From reading your posts your mortgate is quite a large percentage (40%)of your net income. I agree with the previous poster. Having all the payments written down may help to get things in perspective. Hope that you can get things sorted.


Turbo

londoner1998

Indout96 wrote: »

Best thing I have read on here for ages

Totally agree- I am my own self, have my own life , run my own finances and have a very interesting, fullfilling relationship. So does my OHMy OH has the whole of me, a whole person, not half ...

Sorry, but this just doesn't seem fair- I'll say it again- diffrent people do things differently and the OP needs help and ideas to sort out her situation, not judgement...

And yes, it is about companionship. nt becoming some sort of half person dependant on somebody else.

confusedroast

Thanks for all your posts some helpful, some unhelpful and some very insightful

We are in a flat, if we do the loft conversion, sorry not if we ARE doing the loft conversion, in order for little one to have her own room and to make more money when we sell, if we cand o this then we can buy a nice 3 bed property, if we dont do it then its a one or two bed house, on hubbys wages we couldnt get anything else whereas if we make the most out of this london property then we reap the rewards
I am going to leave out a written detailed list of all money pooled together, all bills and their costs, mortgage and then all money we have spent this month for him to look at...dont know if he will mind you
I am about to give dd her dinner then get ready and wait for him to come home, will say goodbye as he comes in and let him get dd to bed (his favourite hobby at moment oh and getting her up in the morning)

Yes I know he had problems with money when I marrried him, I married him because I love him, I didnt marry him to change him, OUR circumstances have changed, I thought I would go back to work, but then I had our baby and that changed straight away, he is a mans man and wants me to stay at home and look after our children (we want more) and now so do I
Its about adapting to our changes not me changing him, as stubborn, sometimes horrible he is, he is also the most loving, caring, husband and father....just not financially savvy ;-p

peachyprice

Roastie, I'm sorry you've come here for a simple rant about how crap your OH is with money only to have your marriage pulled apart with accusations of domestic violence being banded about, bloody ridiculous.

It sounds to me like you two just need to sit down and talk, properly. You've both been through huge changes with the new baby and you deciding not going back to work, these things won't fall into place unless you communicate. Most men aren't as intuitive as us, they don't think that things need to change, they need to be told.

I hope you get things sorted and your OH realises he's being a bit of a plonker.