ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

floss2

jamespir wrote: »

all i was saying is that one of the vows is something like everything i own i share with you and that marriage is about trust and commitment

but people seem to get married just for the fun of it these days

I'm sorry but I find this really offensive.

It is purely your opinion that any couple who do not share their bank accounts are not committed, and I personally take marriage very seriously. When my first marriage (with joint finances) broke down in 1994, we fought tooth & nail to keep it together, we struggled on for another 5 years before we split up in 1999 and got divorced in 2001. He has since married again, and I am about to do so. My fiance has never married, but was in a 10-year relationship - without shared bank accounts.

And why should I jeopardise our future mortgage needs by sabotaging my fiance's credit rating with my bad one, just because we "should" have a joint bank account?!

euronorris

James and Floss - perhaps it would be better to start a separate thread on the subject of joint accounts.

floss2

euronorris wrote: »

James and Floss - perhaps it would be better to start a separate thread on the subject of joint accounts.

It's been done before, and everyone posting on them accepted that each couple / relationship was different and that what works for some will not necessarily work for others

I don't have a problem with joint accounts, I have had one previously, and may well do so again at some point.

I do however object to being told that my relationship is not committed just because we manage our finances in a different way to someone else, and the implication that I am getting married for any other reason than that I want to make a public committment to share my life with my fiance

confusedroast

he has just text me saying " I dont want to speak to you at the moment, I am too angry, I will see you tonight

I have just arranged to go over to a frriends for dinner tonight - have text him back - okay cool see you later, can you be back for 6,30pm as I am going over to x tonight
He is out tomorrow night and sunday for golf so its only fair - I havent been since January!

floss2

confusedroast wrote: »

he has just text me saying " I dont want to speak to you at the moment, I am too angry, I will see you tonight

I have just arranged to go over to a frriends for dinner tonight - have text him back - okay cool see you later, can you be back for 6,30pm as I am going over to x tonight
He is out tomorrow night and sunday for golf so its only fair - I havent been since January!

Have a good time

Why not leave him a task while you are out - starting a spreadsheet with all the bills & income on, so you can plan your future budget?!

confusedroast

I think he will flip if I do that - just going to have a night apart, he has planned loads of DIY things tomorrow and looking after dd whilst I potter about then he is out sat and sunday so probably re-approach the subject sunday night over a nice dinner and glass of wine and maybe ask him what he suggests we do....

jamespir

floss2 wrote: »

It's been done before, and everyone posting on them accepted that each couple / relationship was different and that what works for some will not necessarily work for others

I don't have a problem with joint accounts, I have had one previously, and may well do so again at some point.

I do however object to being told that my relationship is not committed just because we manage our finances in a different way to someone else, and the implication that I am getting married for any other reason than that I want to make a public committment to share my life with my fiance

i dont think i ever once said that YOU were commited but oh well if thats how your read my post


each couple is different

kegg_2

Stop baling him out. If he cant save for a holiday then he cant have one. If he goes overdrawn then let the bank chase him for it.
Workout the cost of running your home and give him a copy of it and tell him you expect x amount to be paid to you each month to cover it and the rest is his to do with what he wants but the bank of wifey will not be baling him out again if he is iresponsible with his money.

Dont soend all your savings on an extension until he can contribute equally or at least show he is saving money to replace what has been spent.

Finacially he is taking you for a mug and at the moment you are letting him.

bylromarha

confusedroast wrote: »

I must say rather than be supportive you are all making me feel like I am a nightmare, I think I should have posted the long winded picture rather than a short version

No-one on MSE can sort this for you, only you and your OH can. short versions mean people can make assumptions, long versions mean people can nit pick every tiny detail you post. Can't get it right with either version

Your OH obviously not happy either - he probably feels he's earning £1800 per month and he'd like to enjoy some of the fruits of his work.

What would HE like out of this? My guess is he would like you, your child and himself to be happy, with a roof over your head and food on the plate and for the fights about money to stop. My guess is also that you would like this to be the case as well.

The reality is that, with you not working, life HAS to look different to prior to the baby. Only you and he can decide how that life will look, how many times you go out, what sort of food you eat, where you go on holiday etc etc etc.

When he gets home, crack open a bottle of red and have an honest conversation together. All the best.

Steel_2

confusedroast wrote: »

My husband has bad credit, he is bad with money, he accepts this, I am very good with money, I have helped him out to pay him out of his bad credit, have got him on my mortgage to improve his credit rating, I have consistnetly paid for everything and he has tried to pay me back later....However I no longer work so I cant do this anymore

He was bad with money when you met him.

He was bad with money when you married him.

You knew what he was like. You have bailed him out repeatedly. This is the financial foundation of your marriage. This isn't about money. This is about you both digging up and re-laying the very foundations your marriage is built on and you have a hard slog ahead of you.

You married someone knowing they were bad with money and hoped to change him. You didn't marry him. You married the person you hoped he'd become with your influence. You are trying to change him into someone he's not and he is resisting. Many people do this. They think "if only he/she could be a bit more ambitious/thoughtful/sociable/good with money everything would be great" and then set about trying to mold them.

You thought by marrying him he'd magically morph into someone who is fiscally responsible, that somehow your fiscal responsibility would rub off on to him and now you're getting frustrated it hasn't. You're in love with the fantasy and not the reality.

The reality is: if you want financial security and you marry a fiscally irresponsible person, you have a huge mountain to climb and the odds are stacked against you from the start.

Why did you think it would change when you had kids?

Cancel the holiday. Put the loft conversion on hold. He has to see there are consequences.