ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

Aruna

Absolutely agree with Steel and Kay Peel.

And a few quotes here:

"The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money"

"The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste". ~M.W. Harrison

OP I sympathise with you, I can sense your frustration in your posts. I hope laying your cards on the table will not put further strain on the your marriage. Some Men who cannot manage money well are like a bomb waiting to explode if you attempt to guide them in the right direction for the better. You will touch some raw nerves but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind - be frank and make all your concerns known to him.

Bear in mind that expecting him to change/improve moneywise isnt going to be easy. It's pretty much like you changing (from being as good with moneyas you are now to being as bad with money as he is), it's not going to happen overnight.


If he is sensitive about money discussions, put your concerns in writing first, and ask him when it's best for you two to sit down and talk further

I was with a man who worshipped Golf, the very expensive (if not addictive) hobby/sport,:( - but not an essential in times of financial hardship. You will find that what you think is not essential probably is to him, you just need to strike a balance and work out a plan that's sustainable in the longterm.

Good luck

consultant31

kaya wrote: »

i cant believe that people who are married still have his n hers bank accounts and savings in this day and age !!!!!
we share all our money and savings, always have done, we dont have an individual income as we are a couple, we have household income, you must all have serious trust issues going on inside your relationships, if you dont trust each other with something as simple as finances what chance do you have for a long term relationship?

Sorry, haven't read any further than this post yet, but had to chip in with my two penn'orth.

This poster's scathing attitude to what other couples do with their money made me choke over my coffee. My DD had a joint account set up with her new DH and he took her for every penny AND left her with a load of his debt when he split 18 months later. Well, he didn't exactly go of his own accord, she threw him out after finding out he'd got another girl pregnant and had a third girl on the side.

It has taught her several good lessons in life, but one of them is to keep your own bank accounts, completely separate, with, maybe, a joint account to pay bills.

My DH and I have been very happily married for over 30 years but we've never shared a bank account and I wouldn't have it any other way.

consultant31

jamespir wrote: »

do you know how humilliating that sounds
if he cant rember he cant remember

:mad: can't remember my eye!! As everyone keeps pointing out, he's an adult, so why can't he behave like one? He has a wife and child and he's behaving like a spoilt brat.

I can quite see why the OP has to keep control of the money or they'd be deep in debt in 6 months and she'd be on the DFW board with everyone telling her to do exactly what she's already trying to do :mad:

an1179

My OH is not complete unless he has an overdraft I have tried explaining that he is paying more in charges than we get interest on the same amount. Every time I pay it off with our savings (which I save) he runs up another overdraft. You just cannot get through to some people. I have never had a working joint account with him. I have got an account with both our names on for any occassion that we may get a cheque etc in joint names and basically for convenience, but I would never let him have any control over it.:eek:. Personally I cannot live with any debt except a mortgage

I have given up trying to get through to him. I could go on about all the other money wasting things he does but.........................

consultant31

Absolutely agree with Steel (post 81) and Kay Peel (post 101).

OP you can love him to death, but unless he starts to see that he has responsibilities (including being home to bath his DD instead of out with his mates) that love will begin to turn into something else over the years.

I really hope you're not on here again in a year or so about debt and a 'childish, irresponsible' husband, but I fear you may be

gratefulforhelp_2

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

And as it stands, without any agreement, what happens if something goes wrong? That's right, he gets as much as his solicitor is prepared to fight for. Just because he says he doesn't want it now, doesn't mean things can't change in the future, which they very well could if you 'start putting your foot down'.

This is sadly true, and exactly what happened to me when my XH got fed up with being skint as we had a baby. ( a planned, wanted baby in marriage I should add). Praying it doesn't happen to you.

paddy's_mum

I'm sorry to say it, but your trust, your blind faith, your willingness to share everything and your naivety about the rock-hard and inescapable financial facts of divorce are making you incredibly vulnerable.

Please take the time to think a little more deeply about the potentially disastrous outcome if all your savings are gone, you have no real income, your long-term financially irresponsible husband declines to pay a penny in mortgage or maintenance ... and I believe that I'm correct when I say that your who-owns-what Deed can be over-ridden by the wave of the hand of a Divorce court judge.

You have all the proof you will ever need that when boxed into a corner by your 'nagging' about financial imperatives, your husband's response is to clear off for several days, refuse to communicate in any form whatever and leave you to get on with it. Those are not the actions of a fair-minded, loving and responsible husband/father. What would have been the position if your child had been taken seriously ill while he was in don't-speak-to-me mode?

I'm the last person in the world to knock another for having faith, for wanting to work hard, for being tolerant and kind but you are being too unwary by half, in my view. You are in danger, if only because so far your husband has not worked hand in hand with you nor, perhaps even more importantly, agreed to do so. His attitude, it seems to me from what you have written, is to continue to fight you for what he wants, not what the family needs. That attitude is immature, selfish and blatantly unkind, given who gets so badly burned if it all falls apart.

There is no wrongness in taking basic steps to protect yourself from a marriage breakdown any more than it is stupid to insure your home if the unthinkable comes to pass.

You may like to find the fairly recent thread by hulagirl79 to see what happens when a husband will not, or cannot, be brought to see the financial facts of life.

I'm not trying to knock you, just wanted to give you another perspective to consider. Good luck.

daska

Sorry OP I think you're being naive. Those savings are joint savings. Those debts are joint debts. You may prefer to think of them as yours and his but if this gets to the divorce courts you won't be allowed the luxury of that distinction.

I would suggest that once you've got him looking at the figures and how they don't add up, you suggest to him that you set up a joint account for household expenditure and bills and all income (CB, salary etc) goes into that and the surplus is divided towards savings, rainy day fund and your individual accounts for personal spending.

Don't take his bank-card away, and don't pay off his overdraft, in fact, encourage him to max it out, so it will limit his spending.

Spendless

consultant31 wrote: »

Sorry, haven't read any further than this post yet, but had to chip in with my two penn'orth.

This poster's scathing attitude to what other couples do with their money made me choke over my coffee. My DD had a joint account set up with her new DH and he took her for every penny AND left her with a load of his debt when he split 18 months later. Well, he didn't exactly go of his own accord, she threw him out after finding out he'd got another girl pregnant and had a third girl on the side.

It has taught her several good lessons in life, but one of them is to keep your own bank accounts, completely separate, with, maybe, a joint account to pay bills.

My DH and I have been very happily married for over 30 years but we've never shared a bank account and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Different people though do different things. My mate with seperate bank accounts discovered her husband had been financing a mistress with my mate being none the wiser, till her husband had an accident and was hospitalised for several weeks and my mate found his bank statement. Doesn't mean some one with joint accounts will do what your ex SIL did, or someone with seperate will do what my mates husband did.
What comes across to me in the thread is that what was working well when the OP had her own income was fine but now she hasn't then it needs changing to something that works for their new situation.

lilac_lady

If 2 people are so different regarding money and debt, the partner who is responsible should start a "parachute" account in case he/she needs to get out quickly. Some people's overspending habits will never change.